HowTo:Survive Arkham Asylum
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“Fuck Alcatraz, Arkham Asylum is where it's at ”
“And so he was all like 'why so serious'? And I was like 'I told you I don't like dolphins. Now get away from me you fucking clown.'”
“Oh my God, what the fuck happened? Jesus, did you shove your head into flippin toaster?”
“Wait, you're a bad guy?”
So You and Your Homeboys Are Robbing Gotham Bank
trying to cop some quick cash. Everything is going perfect. The hostages are pissing their pants and the cops are scratching their fucking heads tyring to figure out how they can possibly get you. The money's in the bag and you're about to make your Great Escape when suddenly this guy wearing a cape and tight black spandex pants falls out of the fucking sky. Your first thought: Oh shit it's Batman, we're screwed. But wait, its six against one, he can't possibly win, right? Dead fucking wrong. You and your friends get a first-hand demonstration of what would happen if Bruce Lee and Jack Bauer were combined into one person and injected with steroids. Your last thought before your head is shoved up your ass: Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that burrito.
So, What's This Guide For?
This guide was made specifically for people like you, who are too stupid to see that fucking with Batman is a BAD IDEA. So now you wake up wondering where the hell you are, and all you see are three big guys with clown faces, armed with knives and chainsaws looking down at you. Now for your first test: You are:
Being a supreme dumbass, you immediately assume that you are at Famous Dave's. This, of course, is wrong. You are actually in Arkham Asylum, currently in severe danger of being gangbanged by a group of homicidal clowns. Unless your name happens to be Bobby or Lesley, this will most certainly not be a wonderful experience for you. In this case, there is really only one thing to do:
RUN FUCKER, RUN
Alright, so it took fifteen minutes of intense sprinting, but you finally managed to ditch those fucking clowns. Now, enter the bathroom on the left and lock the door behind you. Not really the cleanest place in the world, but at least it's safe (in this case, safe is used in a very loose fashion). Now, pull that large textbook labeled How To: Survive Arkham Asylum out of your right pocket and begin reading.
Survival Guide:Chapter 1
Hello criminal, and welcome to Arkham Asylum. Since you are reading this book, it is safe to assume that you were thrown into this fine establishment by that asshole Batman. If this is the case, it is logical to infer that your IQ is somewhere below the square root of negative zero since you actually thought you could beat the Caped Crusader (every smart person in the world knows that this is impossible unless you happen to be a certified member of the Justice League of Jesus). In order to make it possible for idiots like you to fully comprehend the things said in this guide, there are a plethora of externally enhanced diagnostic images as well as large quantities of complex verbal language that is very difficult to understand. It is imperative that you complete this book before exiting the bathroom or else you will suffer from an extreme case of death.
Arkham Asylum was originally created to be a senior's home, until Batman (the mayor of Gotham City) got an inspirational idea that would help cut down on the high crime rate in Gotham City. He decided to throw all the criminals into the senior's home and allow them to kill all the old people. When criticized about the morality of his decision, The Dark Knight said: "I too was against the idea of killing our elders. Then, I read an article on Uncyclopedia that informed me that scientists have recently made a profound discovery. They have apparently come to the conclusion that old people are more likely to die." Thus, Arkham Asylum was born.
Survival Guide:Chapter 2
First of all, let us introduce you to the people who run Arkham Asylum (aka, the dudes you should not fuck with).
1. The Joker-As a young boy, the Joker aspired to be a clown. Unfortunately, he was rejected many times due to the fact that everyone he met called him mentally unstable (which is the medical term for FUCKING BONKERS). At some point in his life, The Joker acquired an intense passion for green eggs and ham, which led to his decision to become a homicidal clown supervillain. Today, The Joker resides in Arkham Asylum and is undoubtedly conspiring with his evil clown henchmen to kill his arch-enemy Batman. In summary, The Joker is an insane clown with green hair and a lethal joy-buzzer, and is therefore classified as extremely dangerous.
2. Hugo Strange-This guy is also crazy, and is similar to The Joker in every category except that they are complete opposites. Not much is known about this character except that at the age of 4 he was accused of killing his mother, whose name was Lois. The police found the body in Hugo's room, but when questioned about it Hugo told police he knew nothing as to where the body came from. Later police found Hugo's diary, which included an entry which described how Hugo had killed his mother along with a video recording of the incident. Two days later, the court proclaimed Hugo not guilty due to a lack of sufficient evidence. So far, we know nothing more about this character except that he is diabolical and you shouldn't fuck with him.
3. The Penguin-This super villain is a grade A loser. I mean, what the hell kind of supervillain names himself The Penguin? There really isn't anything else to say about this guy...Though he is virtually harmless, he is extremely dangerous due to the fact that he has the ability to shoot strange substances out of his umbrella.
4. Mr.Freeze-This is the coolest villain ever (literally). This is the only villain in Gotham City who, at one point, was actually a normal person. Unfortunately, one day during an experiment, a freak accident occurred that would change Dr. Victor Fries' life forever. It was a bright, sunny day and Victor Fries and his assistant were doing what they normally do on bright, sunny days. Experimenting with extremely volatile chemicals and subzero temperatures in the basement just for fun. After completing yet another freeze gun, Victor turned to his assistant and said "do not press that red button that says do not press this button over it." Suddenly, Victor's assistant tripped over a large of block of nothing and fell down. On the way down, his pencil slipped from his hand and flew 70 feet across the room, and knocked over an empty bottle of soda. The bottle of soda fell off its shelf, and landed directly on a trampoline below. As it bounced back up, it made contact with a bowling ball, which rolled directly up to the red button and mashed it down. At that exact moment, Victor's wife accidentally fell down the stairs and flew across the room, landing directly in front of the freeze gun, and was frozen. At this point in time, Thomas Edison had not yet invented fire, so there was no way to unfreeze her. Victor was so filled with anguish over his wife's death, that he made it his lifelong goal to kill Batman (who was in no way related to the incident).5. Poison Ivy-When we say do not fuck with this bitch, we mean it literally. If she even looks at you, run away as fast as you can, say you are homo, or do something to get the hell away from her. However, if you don't want your dick anymore, then by all means, fuck her like there's no tomorrow, because you won't live to see tomorrow after fucking her. For those of you who can't live for four seconds without sexual intercourse, see Harley Quinn on page 28.
Chapter 3: Things to do in Arkham Asylum
There are many activities to participate in, all of which are implemented to help reform and educate criminals so they will not have to turn back to a life of crime if Batman ever begins to feel any sort of mercy and decides to release the criminals before they rot in this hellhole.
1. Killing people-This activity is very common in Arkham Asylum as it is very satisfying. There are a number of ways to do this, including: stabbing, throwing people into trash cans, setting others on fire, banging people on the head mercilessly with coconuts, Arkham Asylum chainsaw massacre, Ka Me Ha Me..., etc.
2. Plotting to destroy Batman-Some people just never learn, that's probably why they are in an asylum. This is also a very common activity done by many while in the asylum. These plots are numerous and often very violent, for example: shoving Batman's head into a garbage disposal, running over Batman repeatedly with a John Deere tractor, throwing Batman into a trash can, pushing Batman into bananas, bouncing on Batman's head, castrating Batman, etc. These plots are not recommended as they always fail.
3. Trying to climb over the big wall-Many people have tried to climb over the big wall and escape from Arkham Asylum. Many means such as ropes, ice picks, and standing on other people's heads have all been used to no avail. Obviously, these people are unaware of the existence of ladders or the magical portal known as The Front Door.
4. Where's Waldo?
You are now ready to exit the bathroom and officially begin your stay at the wonderful Arkham Asylum. Remember all that this guide has taught you, and you might make it out of here with your cojones still intact.