HowTo:Survive A Nuclear Attack

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Welcome fellow idiots and idiotettes, to our HowTo page on how to survive a nuclear attack. Now shut up and listen.

edit What the H-word is a A-Bomb?

For those who have not heard of an atomic bomb, ask your grandparents, because I not explaining the atomic bomb. Let's just say it's a big explosion with radiation and heat, so it's a bad thing. And for the record, radiation DOESN'T make you have superpowers; stop reading comic books.

edit The Actual Advice

edit Calm Down

First of all, STOP RUNNING AND SCREAMING LIKE AN IDIOT!!! You need to calm the fuck down! Now that I got you calm down, take a look at the explosion. ...OH CRAP. IT'S COMING!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!

edit Warn the People

Make sure everyone knows the atomic bomb is coming by:

  • Running around wearing a shirt that says "THE END IS NEAR!".
  • Screaming at the sky.
  • Calling 911 and saying atomic bombs are stalking you.
  • Making air raid siren noises.

edit Take Shelter

You need shelter... BUY A BOMB SHELTER.

You can also go to the lowest floor and cover yourself with poisonous lead.

edit Not Home?


Don't go into your car because it's a piece of grade-A bullcrap. Go into that unattended Chevy, the owner is gonna die anyways. Now drive into that school filled with elementary school children.

edit I'm Stuck

Go to the nearest gas station... wait, forget that.

Run again!

edit I'm In The Shelter... Now What?

Remember to get some supplies, because you're gonna be in the shelter for weeks:

  • Water, or beer, whatever makes you happy.
  • Some cheetos, Hamburger Helper, and all food you have. You might need to carry the refrigerator to your shelter.
  • Medicine, like your pot or crystal meth.
  • A radio, so you can listen to the latest music.
  • Television, computer, that heavy looking object by the window.
  • Machine gun; you may encounter radioactive mutants and a couple of lawyers.
  • Clothes for everyone. If you have babies, throw their diapers at those lawyers.
  • Flashlight with AA batteries, in case the power goes out from the explosion, or from using too much power on the blender you have.
  • Some books to read... or burn if you're cold.

edit In Case You Are Attacked

MY FAVORITE PART. You can do these things if you are attacked by zombies during the whole nuclear bomb thing:

edit Conclusion

Now that the bomb is over, you can now go back to your pathetic life. Or being chased by men if you are a women.

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