HowTo:Survive A Nuclear Attack

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Welcome fellow idiots and idiotettes, to our HowTo page on how to survive a nuclear attack. Now shut up and listen.

Upshot-Knothole Annie 001

Try and look on the bright side of life, just be careful not to burn out your retina while doing it.

edit What the H-word is a A-Bomb?

For those who have not heard of an atomic bomb, ask your grandparents, because I not explaining the atomic bomb. Let's just say it's a big explosion with radiation and heat, so it's a bad thing. And for the record, radiation DOESN'T make you have superpowers; stop reading comic books.

edit The Actual Advice

edit Calm Down

First of all, STOP RUNNING AND SCREAMING LIKE AN IDIOT!!! You need to calm the fuck down! Now that I got you calm down, take a look at the explosion. ...OH CRAP. IT'S COMING!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!

edit Warn the People

Make sure everyone knows the atomic bomb is coming by:

  • Running around wearing a shirt that says "THE END IS NEAR!".
  • Screaming at the sky.
  • Calling 911 and saying atomic bombs are stalking you.
  • Making air raid siren noises.

edit Take Shelter

You need shelter... BUY A BOMB SHELTER. And do it yesterday.

You can also go to the lowest floor and cover yourself with poisonous lead.

edit Not Home?


Don't go into your car because it's a piece of grade-A bullcrap. Go into that unattended Chevy, the owner is gonna die anyways. Now drive into that school filled with elementary school children.

edit I'm Stuck


Mannequin stand-ins for loved ones sold separately.

Go to the nearest gas station... wait, forget that.

Run again!

edit I'm In The Shelter... Now What?

Remember to get some supplies, because you're gonna be in the shelter for weeks:

  • Water, or beer, whatever makes you happy.
  • Some cheetos, Hamburger Helper, and all food you have. You might need to carry the refrigerator to your shelter.
  • Medicine, like your pot or crystal meth.
  • A radio, so you can listen to the latest music.
  • Television, computer, that heavy looking object by the window.
  • Machine gun; you may encounter radioactive mutants and ravenous packs of feral lawyers.
  • Clothes for everyone. If you have babies, throw their flaming diapers at those hoards of hungry lawyers.
  • Flashlight with AA batteries, in case the power goes out from the explosion, or from using too much power on the blender you have.
  • Some books to read... or burn if you're cold.

edit Conclusion

Now that the bombing is over, all you have to do is hold out inside your bunker for the decades it will take for the radiation levels on the surface to drop to something you can survive. Enjoy your extended underground vacation!

Asplosionwarn The Nuclear Family
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