HowTo:Subsist on an all-OREO® diet for the rest of your life
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You're fat. Both your abusive father and your whore of a mother know this. Your idiot friends — you know who I'm talking about; it's those two freaks that always sit by you at the lunch table — know this. I know this. Pretty much everybody knows this. Of course, it is you who knows this better than anyone else. You've tried dieting. It didn't work out. You say to your pathetic self, "I guess Dr. Atikins just didn't know what he was talking about." WRONG! Well, no. That's a bad example. The Atikins diet has proven to be a complete failure in terms of a practical diet plan. Instead, you say to yourself, "Proper exercise and smaller portion sizes just aren't a legitimate way for a person like me to lose weight." WRONG!
Here's the skinny, fatty. You're just a lazy slob. Instead of lying to yourself and making up lame-ass excuses, perhaps it's time that you face the music (in this case, Fat by "Weird Al" Yankovic). It's time that you stop "trying" to be even remotely thin and just accept your obesity for what it is. Placate in your porcine proportions. Revel in your radical rotundity. Gloat in your gigantic girth. Lounge in your lardy...um . . . lardiness.
"How," you ponder, "Might I do such a thing?"
Easy, you numskull! The answer lies in the OREO®. Yes, I am, indeed, speaking of the Nabisco® brand cookie. It is in this, the most delicious and versatile of all cookies, that you may recreate yourself. The OREO® is a gateway to the life that you've always wanted to live but from which society has always held you back.
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Step 1: Forget Society
The first step that you must take in replacing your oppressive, tasteless, archaic, pyramid-based food regimen is to realize that your current diet was concocted by a bunch of stupid twats. That's right, your society, with all its boundless history and diversity, doesn't know a thing about gastronomy. If society even had a slight notion of what good food really was, then they would all be doing exactly what you're doing right now.
Society, like many things in the world, is flawed. They start off with honest intentions: "Hey, let's build some houses and farms," "Working together sure is dandy," "We need a leader to provide us with direction." Of course, this all goes sour fairly quickly. Eventually, society comes up with traditions. Then society creates laws. Soon enough, society decides that theft and murder are crimes just because some pussy got his feelings hurt! Finally, society takes all that they've created, and they place them onto the unreachable pillars of impossibility.
What was once at least achievable, is now just a mirage used to make all the members of society feel inadequate and depressed. Of course, this is all a benefit to society itself. Once everybody seriously believes that they should be the way that society says they ought to be, they are at the mercy of its unmerciful will. To this, I say screw society! If you let society's standards grab a hold of your soul, there's no chance of regaining your individuality. Go ahead and let society attempt to brainwash others with its restrictive laws, unrealistic advertising, popular music, expensive cars, and glamorization of physical perfection. So long as you fight back, society will never be completely victorious.
Step 2: Acquaint Yourself With The OREO®
Now that you've kicked the dominating force of society out of your life for good, it's time to actually begin with the specifics of your diet. Let me just tell you right now, I understand that you're a cretin. Don't let that worry your poor, obese, little self, though. While successfully including OREO®s into every meal is, indeed, a difficult task, it is by no means impossible. Plus, so long as you follow my simple advice, you should at least come out of this whole thing with a somewhat adequate idea of what to do.
The OREO®'s Complex History
The OREO®, whether or not you care to know it, has a rich history. Originally engineered in 1916 by the Nabisco® division of Kraft® Foods, a company established by James Lewis Kraft®, a man with aspirations of one day becoming leader of the free world, the OREO® cookie had always been intended to usurp all other forms of food, making itself the only viable source of nutrition — hence, killing two birds with one stone, by both eliminating global starvation and enslaving all huma — er, you know, now that I think about it, I meant just one bird (silly me). Using advanced culinary techniques based on years of scientific experimentation, the OREO® was a foolproof method of eliminating the human need for anything else, due to it's incredible taste, multifunctionality, great quantity, and the fact that those chemicals used in the cookie's signature "creme" reverse engineered consumers' DNA, causing their bodies to reject all non-OREO®-based foodstuffs.
Unfortunately for Kraft® (in this case, both the man and his company), the general public eventually took notice of the mutations to their metabolic system and, due to their irrational fear of change, forced the company to alter the cookies' recipe. Of course, in the public's eye, the "damage" had already been done. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a so-called "official" organization created by our so-called "government," more than one half of American citizens who were supposedly "overweight" had already consumed the original OREO®s. What the Census Bureau didn't include in their so-called "report" was that the OREO®s could have instantly solved the global food shortage. Plus, they were damn near the most delicious concoctions on the planet.
In the end, the recipe was destroyed, leaving the scrumptiously life-altering cookie untapped of its full potential. Society had ruined Kraft®'s (once again, referring both to Jimmy and his company) plans of world betterment. Though he continued to introduce new sweets that would serve as catalysts to his ultimate supremacy, society's ignorant dread associated with a "poor body image" always led to petitions and lawsuits. At the age of 79, Kraft® (this time, I'm only talking about James) ended his life by casting himself into a large vat of creme.
The OREO®'s Design
You've seen an OREO® before. Everybody has. If you were to claim otherwise, I'd be forced to disembowel you with a straight razor. Certainly, you've picked up on the basic layout of an OREO® cookie: two chocolate wafers surrounding a white-creme center. Of course, you, being the idiot that I know you to be, just aren't mentally capable of distinguishing some of the finer points of the OREO®'s perfect design without having it thoroughly explained; which, obviously, is exactly what I am going to do.
Looking beyond the apparent chocolate cookie, vanilla creme, chocolate cookie arrangement, there is actually much more to the OREO®. As the OREO® was initially created to dominate the lives of those who consumed it, it was absolutely essential that the cookie's appearance, texture (both in one's hands and in their mouth), and taste be flawless. Let us first break down the OREO®'s physiognomy, then.
The OREO® was designed, among other things, to entrance those who set their gaze upon it. For this to work effectively, the OREO® cookie makes use of three major forms of subliminal imagery: commercial logo placement — in case you didn't notice, it says "OREO®" on the damn thing; basic geometric shapes and patterns, the OREO® choosing to use the circle and a basic sandwich pattern; and references to pre-established ethnic phobias. To further explain the utilization of references to pre-established ethnic phobias, one need look no further than the color scheme. Nabisco® understood the innate fear of racial suppression. To take this fear to a logical extent, the cookie was made to represent the supremacy of the black race (two sturdy, unyielding cookies) over that of the white race (the soft, but delicious, creme).
Before you ask, "Why does this make me want to eat the cookie, though? Also, I've got shit for brains." I will tell you. The use of a commercial logo does a couple of things. It rekindles fond memories of previous experiences that one may have had with that, or a similar, product. It also establishes a sense of quality and legitimacy for the product. I mean, it's not like you're going to buy "Chocolate Cookie with White-Flavored Cream™" brand cookies, are you? Okay, I'll admit, that was a stupid question. We all know you'd buy out an entire grocery store if you were presented with the chance.
The use of basic shapes is also quite elementary in terms of brainwa — er, I mean methods of persuasion. From the time you are born, you are assaulted by various shapes. Squares represent strength; triangles, hope; heptagrams, narcissism; and circles, comfort. Simply by making a food item in the shape of a circle, one instantly interprets that as a sign to relax and be happy. Circles, by their own nature, relieve stress; so, a circular OREO® cookie will do the exact same thing.
Finally, there's the contrast of comfort and safety with fear. The inclusion of racial apprehension also serves an important purpose for the OREO® cookie. It instills a deep feeling of righteousness in the buyer. It causes you to take a stance against the growing threat of black supremacy. By devouring the OREO®, you are fundamentally voicing your refusal of such archaic concepts to even exist. You are enforcing your will — nay, your right — as a middle class, white, American, male citizen to have power that no black man could ever have.
Texture and Taste
Luckily for your hyperactive, inattentive brain, much of the OREO®'s appeal relies on appearance. "Why?" you ask? Well, it's not like you get to feel a package of OREO®s up before you make a purchase; similarly, it's not often that you get an OREO® sampling. "What does this mean for me?" you prod further, continuing your streak of interruptions. Well, it means that the section on the OREO® cookie's texture and taste is going to be one hell of a lot shorter.
Once a consumer (you) obtains their OREO®s, they're going to want to eat them. It is at this point that Nabisco® had to ensure that their cookie lived up to the visual hype. You (well, in this case, the general "you," not the you "you") wouldn't eat a cookie that crumbled into your hand. You wouldn't consume an OREO® that had its creme melt all over the plastic storage tray. When dipping an OREO® in milk, you don't expect it to slide out of your hands. Well, the culinary engineers at Nabisco® knew that.
With that knowledge in mind, Nabisco® made a cookie that was sturdy enough not to crumble with a mere touch, while, at the same time, yielding enough to provide a satisfying crunch when bitten into. Similarly, the cookie material itself had to be porous, so as to allow the absorption of common liquids used for cookie dipping, such as milk, coffee, and acetone. Finally, a rigid pattern on the OREO® cookie's surface would enable easy grippage for those who would be eating them — you and your greasy, sausage-like fingers should know what I'm talking about.
Of course, alone, the chocolate flavored cookie was not enough. It needed something to compliment it. Nabisco®, having already performed extensive research, had been prepared for the inclusion of vanilla creme since day one. It was absolutely necessary that it function as an adhesive — strong enough to hold two cookies together, but at the same time, soft enough to both allow unhindered separation as well as provide a melt-in-your-mouth, too-good-to-be-true sensation when ingested. At the same time, the creme could not be too soft or sticky, as that would inevitably lead to frustrating pre-melt scenarios or unsatisfying amounts of twisting before one could properly separate either chocolate cookie from its creamy bond.
The OREO®'s Many Uses
Because of the OREO®'s unique design, the number of potential functions that it can serve are staggering. Generally, the cookie is eaten as is. For those who like things simple, this is the method to use. Alternatively, obsessive freaks are provided with the option of removing the cookie part, eating the creme first, and then munching down on the two remaining cookies. I'm sure that, in cases such as yours, the utilization of a stack-and-swallow technique is most common, usually entailing the consumption — inhalation, really — of several dozen OREO®s at a time.
The ability to separate the OREO® cookie from the creme has, indeed, become a large part of OREO®-eating culture. This essentially provides you with the ability to produce cookies with double, triple, quadruple, and even quintuple the amounts of creme filling. Nabisco® took advantage of this by distributing the Double Stuf™ OREO®, a brand of OREO® for those too lazy to actually take an OREO® apart themselves. At the same time, this provided avid OREO® dissemblers with a virtually limitless number of possible creme layers.
Besides serving the purpose of a cookie — and, of course, that includes milk dipping — the OREO® also functions as an ingredient for any number of foods. When crumbled, one can make pie crust, especially delicious when matched with an OREO® creme pie; cake mix, including those with decorative OREO® cookie arrangements on top; a topping for OREO® brand pudding, OREO® brand ice cream, or even an OREO®-based salad with heated OREO® creme for dressing; and many more delicious foods, be they small treats or full-scale meals, from OREO® cookies alone.
In fact, it could be argued that, beyond the OREO®'s ability to replace any component in any meal, it can function as a replacement for basic construction materials, such as the sand used in cement and the adhesive caulk. In art, OREO®s can be used both for canvas-based works and sculpted productions. Similarly, basic hygienic products, such as toothpaste, hand soap, and deodorant, could all be supplanted with OREO® creme. With the literally infinite number of possibilities that the OREO® holds, it would be impossible to list them all.
Step 3: Purchase and Consume
Okay, so now that you know just what it is that you're in for, you can start pigging out, my friend (By the way, that's just a turn of phrase; I'd never consider you my friend. Ever.). Just go into your kitchen with a garbage bag — perhaps a few — and clean out the refrigerator, every shelf of every cabinet, and especially the pantry. Trust me, you'll need this space for your stockpile of OREO®s. Once you've cleared out the kitchen of any and all edible things, get your fat ass over to the nearest grocery store or retail warehouse and purchase the necessities. Here's a brief list of just some of the few things that you should look for:
- OREO® Cookies - This should be obvious. Besides acting as the staple to your new diet, the OREO® will also serve as a main ingredient in every one of your meals.
- Double Stuf™ OREO® Cookies - You can either use these as an additional item for your menu, or just establish the Double Stuf™ OREO® cookie as your standard. Of course, you could always just clean the store out of both.
- Mint OREO® Cookies - These will serve both as an alternative twist to your culinary palate as well as a perfect ingredient in — well, in anything that you might've used your basic OREO®s for. Basically, Mint OREO®s will effectively double your options.
- OREO® Cookies and Creme Ice Cream - Occasionally, a few OREO® Cookies won't cut it. Occasionally, you'll need a few OREO® cookies ground up and mixed with ice cream.
- OREO® Pie Crust - This is perfect for those long days spent attempting to sit in a fully upright position. A nice, warm OREO® Potpie is enough to sate any fat slob's appetite. Of course, you'll need to muster up the energy to bake it.
- OREO® Pudding Jell-O® Mix - Quick, simple, and OREO®-flavored — everything that a stupid, drooling pig desires in one 5-minute package. Five minutes in the fridge too long, you say? That's fine. Just eat the pudding mix right out of the box, you disgusting, self-hating, buffoon!
- Milk - You will, of course, need something to dip your OREO®s in. A couple dozen gallons should do for now.
The Good Life
After you manage to find a way to haul all this back home, your new life officially begins. Pig out, eat up, and, most importantly, pig out. Remember to have fun with it. You've got no reason to leave your home, now, so you might as well seal the doors. You don't want to be worrying about unwanted visitors, after all. They'd only mock your new lifestyle in their complete ignorance.
Not quite sure what to do with this sudden rush of freedom? Well, the first thing to do seems fairly obvious (Oh, wait — I forgot. I'm not a small-minded imbecile, like you.). Grab a glass of milk and a package of OREO®s and chow down. In fact, why stop there? Go ahead and fill your bath tub with nice, refreshing milk. Just keep a stockpile of OREO® cookies right next to you for dipping. Now that's what I call living the life. You know what? Forget plain old milk. Fill that tub with OREO® Pudding Jell-O® Mix, you fat slob, you!
Type 2 Diabetes
Two weeks later...
Oh, hey! You — ah — well, you smell like decomposing flesh, to be completely honest. What have you been doing? Living in your own filth for the past two weeks? That's disgusting, porky. Well, ignoring your putrid stench, it certainly looks like you've finally grasped how much better off your life is now. You wanted to live the life of a king, and all you needed was a pack of OREO® cookies. Heck, it even looks like you've lost some weight! I guess that just goes to show what society knows about dieting.
What's that? "My hands and feet feel numb," you say? You've also been experiencing shortness of breath and blurred vision? And you have a bladder infection? And you've been getting open sores in — what?! Okay, stop right there!
Look, I've got to ask, why the hell do you think I care about your whining, tubbo? It's probably just diabetes. If you just keep up with the diet, everything will work itself out. Trust me. I'm not a complete and utter moron like you are, so I actually know what it is that I'm talking about, okay?
Two more weeks later...
Well, that was an absolute failure. I thought that maybe I would go out of my way and help you — somebody who, just to be clear, was in desperate need of guidance — out, and this is how you repay me?! I don't remember saying anything about dying, you nauseating piece of slime! You know what? Screw you! I gave you the tools for success and you chose to ignore my advice.
Honestly, I should have known better. I knew from the beginning that you were a loser — a misfit with no actual future. Let's face the facts; you were a living, breathing piece of lard, and your intelligence was lacking, even for a mass of blubber, like yourself. It's probably a good thing that there's one less person like you on this planet.
Ha! Plus that funeral of yours was hilarious, so I guess we're even. Was I really the only guy to show up? Look, I knew that you were a social deadbeat, despised even by your own family, but seriously...Nobody? Not even a priest? Hell, even the hearse stayed only long enough to dump your empty casket into that shallow pit. I guess that's what you get for being the size of a whale. They wouldn't have had to cremate you if you had lost a couple hundred pounds, chunky.
Okay, I forgive you for failing me so incredibly. I should've been able to guess that only somebody as miserable and stupid as you would be able to screw up something as straightforward and uncomplicated as an all-OREO® diet. Perhaps it'll serve as a lesson for me, you know? I've certainly learned a lot about judging character, and — who knows? — maybe a lesson even managed to squeeze itself into that peanut-sized skull of yours, too. Well, I'll be seeing you, then...
...in Hell, that is. Gluttony is a sin, after all.