HowTo:State your opinion

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Ah, the opinion. The absolute epiphany of human expression. The nectar of the articulate masses. The verbal excrement of- oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. Have you come to learn the fascinating art of opinion-stating? I can tell you now, it won't be an easy task. Some of history's greatest figures couldn't adequately state their opinions, and many of those that could wound up being usurped by unruly peasants anyway. It's a tricky business, and a single mistake could find you on the business end of a vintage mint condition knight's sword[1]. If you think you're up to the task then please, stay, and learn the power to sway the minds of lowly peasants and average teenagers alike.

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edit Finding your opinion

Opinion-web

Artist's impression of an opinion. Note the blinding red color and sensuous curves around the "O"s.

The first step toward influencing the masses is one of the hardest. In order to state an opinion, an opinion is, naturally, needed. Should you not have one, I suggest pulling your head out of your ass and looking around a bit. There are atrocities everywhere, surely one of them can rile you up enough to stand in the middle of a crowded intersection with a loudspeaker to protest it. If you cannot find some event or massive global movement that moves you, opinion-stating is not an art meant for you. I suggest finding a career in cult-leadership instead, as no sympathy is required for the task and in some cases is actually frowned upon. You could also try to somehow obtain a soul, although this is notoriously difficult and not often attempted, as evidenced by the heartless bastards that always steal my lunch money. If, however, you have successfully found one or more crimes against humanity/wildlife/the earth/microscopic organisms that move you, congratulations! You are officially now a better person than 97% of the guys that work on my floor. Time for step two.

edit Staking out a suitable audience

Having an opinion is of no use if you never speak it! No, in order to gain the support of the public you must show them your opinion. This is absolutely vital, as you must show them your beliefs if you are to ruthlessly shape their own thoughts to match. However, not all people are willing to listen to your truth, no matter how absolute. In the world there are those known as "cynics", malicious creatures that will try to rip away your following and leave you naked in a Manhattan warehouse. You must beware of large, concentrated populations of these creatures, as they will inevitably produce the greatest threat to your recruitment of followers: the Fuzz. This Fuzz will do whatever it possibly can to apprehend you and throw you in some prison will a cellmate named "Blue Bear". In order to avoid both cynics and the Fuzz, you must follow one of two approaches.[2]

This is a dude. A dude in a suit. A dude in a fucking awesome suit

Pay attention to your wardrobe. Some outfits, like this Jehovah's Witness's business suit, will close more doors than they open.[3]

edit Underground movements

First, you can move incognito around suburbs and isolated apartment complexes, passing your opinions from family to family. This will help you gain a large underground following to use when you decide to erupt into the world's disturbingly limited attention[4]. Nobody will pay attention to you unless there's a significantly massive group of lunatics willing to follow your every command, so the larger your following of drones, the better. However, gaining a truly massive following could be an undertaking of months upon months of recruitment, during which time many of your converts may tire or become pregnant. With this in mind, I highly recommend that you try the second approach.

edit Blogging

The internet has already been established as a powerhouse of information storage and transportation. Back in the day, some families had to wait take weeks or even months for a simple video of a dancing chimp to buffer. However, with the power of Comcast high-speed broadband with PowerBoost™, available over your local cable network, even the most isolated of hermits can view the high-definition sweat dripping off of the president's chin as he tries to explain how he was really just trying to order pizza. Within this massive network of pipes, there lies a hideous, festering boil called the "Blogosphere". The Blogosphere consists entirely of "blogs", pointless diaries written by lonely teen- and tween-agers to express their angsty feelings to the world. These "blogs" (hereafter referred to as blogs) will be the vehicles that will carry your righteous opinion throughout the internet, whether the internet wants to accept it or not. You must find as many of these blogs as humanly possible and post your opinion within every comment box you can find. It doesn't matter whether or not it's in the context of the original post or not; all you need to do is make sure that as many people as possible know you exist. After doing this for a time, you must set up your own blog and start linking to it within your comments. Gradually readers will migrate to your blog, which will become the carrier of your opinion and the headquarters of your righteous global movement. With the massive number of people contained within the Blogosphere, you will soon have a following that will dwarf any other movement of our time.

No matter which method you use, your ultimate goal is to obtain as massive a following as your untrained abilities can handle. Among this following, you must have a minimum of the following:

  1. One technologically literate 18-25 year old[5]. He should have little to no social skill, and a lack of inhibitions to match. Bonus points if he has a nervous tic.
  2. Two wacky, yet loyal, henchmen to do your bidding. They must have shady pasts, and it's a plus if they have occasional disputes while still trusting each other implicitly[6].
  3. One bimbo, preferably blond, to affirm all of your decisions and show ample cleavage. She should also be constantly in the grips of a moral quandary while still terrified of your wrath should she disobey you.

Once your following is complete and your easily sympathized cast of secondary characters is assembled, you are ready for step three.

edit Mobilizing your followers

You have your message, you've gained your followers, and it's now time to seize the reigns of power and lead the world into a new era of peace and prosperity that's not been seen since the dawn of man. It's time to organize a protest march. Instruct your followers to create picket signs, alert the local colleges and universities to be prepared in case "The Man" tries to bring you down, and massage your vocal cords in preparation for the biggest day of your life (I suggest bring a megaphone). It may be a good idea to spread the word about your upcoming march to local businesses in the area, so that they can advertise for you and bring more mindless followers. Make sure, however, that they know of the consequences should they refuse or, worse, report your activities to the "authorities".

edit Notes

  1. In the original packaging and everything!
  2. There's actually a third approach, but it involves four of the seven deadly sins, and doesn't present a particularly "family-friendly" image
  3. Also of note are the Mormon white-button-down-with-tie combo, the monk's brown burlap robe pajamas, and anything associated with veterans
  4. Sounds like protest material to me, *WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE*
  5. If he can do something with a computer that makes you go "whoa", he qualifies
  6. Goofy exploits together, while not required, is also highly recommended

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