HowTo:Start a Religion

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“I don’t mind what sort of religion they found so long as I’m permitted to have my way with those who attract me. ”

~ Oscar Wilde

Starting a religion is a surprisingly simple process. The entire system generally takes only a handful of basic steps.

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Contents 1 Step 1: Finding your followers 1.1 Poor, powerless people 1.2 Rich, crazy people 1.3 Combine the Two Above 1.4 An ethnic group 1.5 Nerds 2 Step 2: Creating a name for your religion 3 Step 3: Creating your main character 4 Step 4: Creating your enemies 5 Morals 6 Doctrines and punishments 7 Step 5: Writing a backstory 8 Step 6: Crafting a plotline 9 Step 7: Laying out rules 9.1 Killing: Positive or negative? 9.2 Men & Women: Equal or subservient? 9.3 Food: What do you hate? 9.4 Other Religions: Convertible or No? 9.5 Afterlife: What comes next? 10 Step 8: Determining your rituals 10.1 Feasts and fasts 10.2 Chants and prayers 10.3 Sacrifices and killings 11 Step 9: Lining up finances 12 Step 10: Getting out there 12.1 Create a website 12.2 Opening a place of worship 12.3 Boastful beginnings 12.4 Write to the Kansas Board of Education 12.5 Stir up a shitstorm 13 Step 11: Milking the profit 13.1 Nice thingies

[edit] Step 1: Finding your followers

A religion is worthless if you don't have people to worship it.

• People should trust God you completely.
• People should hand control of their lives over to God you.
• People should think you're wonderful and lordly.
• People should cringe in abject remorse when you tell them they’ve broken God's law. your rules.
• People should overlook the things you do wrong because you're God or at least a special representative of God.

First you need to do some basic research on who you're targeting with your divine message. This step is critical; failure to optimize your gospel towards the right audience can cause your project to be dead before it can even begin conversions. According to experts, 92% of religions fail in their first year. Don't meet the same fate as them.

You'll need to determine which group of followers will benefit you most. There are five equally valid options, each with pros and cons.

[edit] Poor, powerless people

Follow in the footsteps of Jesus, for once in your life. Christianity, with its message of equality and spirituality over material wealth, has great appeal to the downtrodden.

• Advantages: There are lots of them, and they breed like rabbits. They generally have little education so they'll believe whatever Inspiring Doctrines you teach them. They'll give you their last cent/penny if they think that will get them to Heaven.

• Disadvantages: They are, by definition, poor and powerless, so it's difficult to milk them for much. They have relatively little influence. Make them work for you and endure instead.

[edit] Rich, crazy people

Scientology targets rich, mentally ill celebrities, and even Americans know about it.

• Advantages: Rich people have tons of money, power, and influence. Crazy rich people have tons of money, power, influence, and tabloid-worthy exploits. Do the math.

• Disadvantages: When money can solve most of your problems, you don't need to turn to religion for help.

[edit] Combine the Two Above

Tell you followers that the poor and powerless are especially blessed. Add that in order to receive this blessing the poor must stay poor and powerless. To receive the very best blessings the poor must let the powerful oppress them horribly.

• Advantages: That makes you popular both with the oppressors and with the oppressed. Christianity has chosen that route to success for 2,000 years and most of the time it worked.

• Disadvantages: People who really believe in freedom and equality will turn against you.

[edit] An ethnic group

Judaism holds that Jews are God's Chosen People, in spite of the general bad luck over the last few millennia.

• Advantages: Your followers will feel ever-so-special. Asians could work. So could the United States.

• Disadvantages: You can only grow as fast as they can reproduce, so you'll need to pick a big one. People who don't belong to the Chosen Group could work against you.

[edit] Nerds

Generally an untapped resource, none of the big guns have catered towards them. The Church of the SubGenius has a following in this area, when they can pry them away from their computer keyboards and role-playing games.

• Advantages: They possess lots of technical skills; if your computer breaks down, PC repair can immediately become a free ticket to heaven.

• Disadvantages: They tend to be skeptics. Plus, do you really want a bunch of nerds for followers?

[edit] Step 2: Creating a name for your religion

Nothing will attract followers more than a flashy name! The fastest and cheapest method is just to string random words together. For example: Bananalamptianology. Britanniamericanism. Furrounderoligmatismologism. Barakatuel. (That one's angelic.[1]) The possibilities are literally endless. Or you can just babble nonsensically, and hope that you can make a name out of something you say.

Apart from that you need to choose a symbol of your religion. Celestial bodies and devices for torture and/or execution have been popular so far, so you might follow the trend with a touch of modernisation adopting such things as meteors, black holes (beware the doom is coming!), electric chairs or gallows.

[edit] Step 3: Creating your main character

Christians have Jesus, Jews have Moses, Pastafarians have Flying Spaghetti Monster. If you want to be in the big leagues causing international conflict, you need to craft a convincing lead. Your Leader should be:

• Male
• Strong Speaker
• A commanding authority figure
• Wear long, white, flowing garments (robes are a plus)
• Able to make Alcohol
• Respectable
• Good with crowds
• Must be in possession of decent guitar & amp

In the event you cannot create a single suitable figurehead, polytheism may be the one true calling. Experiment a bit and bounce ideas off of prospective members. Believability is a plus, but not entirely necessary; religions have been created on less.

[edit] Step 4: Creating your enemies

Your religion will appeal to impressionable audiences if it is cast as a battle between us and Them. The most common and leisurly way to create this rift is to make all other gods merely a demiurge (minor deity) to your own. It also helps to throw in a conspiracy theory to give the impression that you are being persecuted by Them. If They are a group of people at whom you can easily point your finger, then this will impress your followers even more and bring them in line with your holy crusade against Them. Here's a handy list of possible enemies you might want to consider for your religion:

• Bears
• Witches
• Arabs
• Jews
• Shellfish
• Gays
• Wiccans
• Non-believers
• Other nations
• Mel Gibson
• This Guy
• Atheists
• Catholics
• Pagans
• Cows
• Antichrist
• Everybody but yourself
• Yourself

[edit] Morals

You are on the way to getting your religion sorted. What should your moral code be like? There are two possibilities.

1. The first is to make the code so hard that everybody is bound to fail. That way your followers will be forever grovelling over their various shortcomings and coming to you in supplication, hoping that you will forgive them or put things right with the Higher Power/Powers. Brainwash your followers propery. They should spend half their time feeling inferior because they can't keep your unrealistic moral code. They should spend the other half feeling superior to those who don't even try an unrealistic moral code. A hard moral code will suit you if you are sadistically minded and keen to dominate your followers. Naturally as God or as God’s Chosen One you yourself are above criticism. (Roman Catholics traditionally practised self flagellation as do some Protestants. Shia Moslems self flagellate as well. Requiring that could appeal to you.)
2. The alternative is a moral code that is easy to follow. That way your followers are pleased that they can do as expected and stay faithful. You can share and enjoy whatever orgies or other lax moral things your followers do.

[edit] Doctrines and punishments

1. Convince your followers that not believing what you tell them will bring terrible punishments now or after they die. That way they stay scared even if nothing bad happens. If scientists say parts of The Sacred Text don’t make sense then those scientists are an abomination. Your followers must not get the type of education which would show where The Sacred Text is wrong. Ideally followers should study Sacred Texts, worship and gather good things for you. Children must be taught the religion before they are old enough to see it doesn’t make sense. Their children must be taught the sacred religion when they are young so they will escape punishments. Prescribe punishments for those in your community who don't believe The Sacred Text you have written. Prescribe punishments for those in your community who don't believe some parts of The Sacred Text you have written.
2. Convince your followers further that they should test all other religious and doctrines. If other doctrines are irrational or unscientific it’s virtuous to point this out. If the followers of other religions follow silly ideas like little children naturally that’s bad. Those who follow other teachings deserve nothing better than to be fed to lions.

[edit] Step 5: Writing a backstory

Without a backstory, your religion is utterly pointless. Who would believe in something without any historical basis? You'll need a solid explanation of how we all got here, what we're doing here, who put us here, and for what purpose. Typically the way in which we view the cosmos will mirror the way in which we view family life. If the father is the head of the house where eye contact is strictly prohibited, especially while your father is burning some bush. It might be helpful in which case to refer to your father's presence by the activity rather than himself (see Moses, Deuteronomy). It will be very informative to your readers if their daily lifestyles align with the divine. It's true because it rhymes. The most important part of the story is what will happen to us next. Good things will happen to those who believe you and obey your instructions. Bad things will happen to the rest. Craft a complex story involving divine acts, angels, epiphanies, godly powers, and blessed pregnant chicks. If you can't think of anything good, take a stab in the dark or look around your house for a random object and make it golden. Uh... golden plates. If you can't think up a good supernatural story flying saucers and slimy aliens with buggy eyes just might work.

[edit] Step 6: Crafting a plotline

You need to make sure that your followers will keep coming back. Keep them entertained with cliffhangers. You can create these by crucifying your god, enforcing constant struggles, or crafting tabloid fodder. Any way you look at it, something's got to keep them interested. Paralysing people and killing them, with hydrogen bombs is certainly a fantastic cliff hanger. When you've got it figured out, put it in some sort of book. Writing down your story gives you an easy reference, and lends credibility to it; after all, if someone bothered to publish it, it must be true.

[edit] Step 7: Laying out rules

The rules of a religion should provide a handy how-to guide for life that covers everything from what you eat and wear to moral decisions. Questions to consider when crafting your rules:

[edit] Killing: Positive or negative?

You'll need to think this through very carefully; even the slightest loophole in a "Thou shalt not kill" can lead to a vigilante in the name of your god. Until you make the big leagues, that's some solid negative PR that can bring you down as a cult.

Of course, if your religion advocates killing, then you're not very concerned about PR; just kill your critics.

[edit] Men & Women: Equal or subservient?

• Are women inferior in the eyes of your god, and expected to do whatever their husband says?
• Are men inferior in the eyes of your god, and expected to do whatever their wife says?
• How many wives can your male followers have?
• How many husbands can your female followers have? How about concubines?
• How about temple "virgins"? How about "spiritual marriages"? Does this limit apply to the Leader of the Faith?

[edit] Food: What do you hate?

Most religions have foods they consider taboo; for instance, Hindus can't eat cows, Jews and Muslims can't eat pork, Catholics can't eat semen. If there are any substances you really can't stand-- mayo, for example-- you can simply have your god declare them unclean, unholy, and unacceptable. You'll never have to deal with it again.

You can also go the opposite route with this and make it OK to eat certain foods. For example, because Jesus ate fish, they are not considered to be meat in Catholicism and Christianity. As a result, they are tortured and consumed in vast numbers every Friday in Ireland, the Vatican, and Greater Boston.

[edit] Other Religions: Convertible or No?

Most religions have rules on who can convert and how. Although some religions propose that conversion should be out of free will, most religions practice conversion by force; famous examples are the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, or Jesus Camp. If you need some more pointers on this, your local Catholic church can help you out. You must also consider who should be allowed to convert. By allowing anyone to join, you greatly widen your membership, but you then run the risk of having people with internal religious conflicts within your group. Be selective in which religions are able to convert. For example, if your god believes that pamphlets and perpetual harassment are the only way, then grab a few Jehovah's Witnesses.

[edit] Afterlife: What comes next?

What's the result of following or not following the rules? Without consequences, your rules aren't enforceable. Preface with a Heaven, Hell, Hades, or Purgatory to solidify and affirm your authority. Reincarnation is also good, both as a reward and a punishment: ("If you disobey God's word and eat mayo, you will come back as a lowly creation; an egg, or a lemon, or an olive.) Sometimes emboding simple rules of thumb in a grand cosmological theme of reoccurance, for example, "You are what you eat" works just fine. Link to an eggplant with a penis

[edit] Step 8: Determining your rituals

The essence of the ritual is mindless repetition, which keeps your followers from asking pesky questions like "If every religion says that every other religion is false, why should I believe in any one religion?" Some tried and true methods:

[edit] Feasts and fasts

Everyone loves a feast, especially if you're in the United States. Schedule as many holiday feasts as possible, and you'll keep your pudgy people pleasant. Fasts aren't as popular these days, but add some in anyway; market your religion as a combination of spiritual salvation and a proven weight-loss regime.

Some religions also involve the ritual use of substances such as wine or peyote. Be sure to use and abuse religious exemptions to narcotics possession laws.

[edit] Chants and prayers

So you want your followers to sing praises or recant dirges? That's all fine and well, but you need a game plan. What type of songs do you want your people to recite? If you want your tunes to be catchy, you'll need a genre or type of melody recognizable when your religion is mentioned by heathens. Thankfully, there are several options:

• Adapt a band. Do you listen to U2 or Britney Spears on your iPod? Would you like everyone in your congregation to sing the songs they do... but not? If you have existing prayers, try adapting them to popular songs. Instantly, your prayer service will have a fresh, upbeat feel to it. This method is even adjustable per audience you want to attract.
• Copy another religion's melodies. Is your religion big on converts? Remember, when you convert, you're handing your soul to another priest. Make conversion easier by simply copying the melodies of religions that have already made it. This simple step can make leaving behind Moses or Jesus a little easier.
• Find a patron saint of song. Similar to adopting a band, this approach will "lift" an already well-known artist or band's "copyrighted music" and make it a part of your church. The only difference is that this time, your prayers are the songs of the artists. Once your followers hear that INXS had daily conversations with your deity or main character, your congregation will insist that all songs recited be penned by the prophet of your choice. This formula is by far the easiest, since it requires absolutely no effort on your part.

[edit] Sacrifices and killings

Do you want to kill, burn, maim, consume, or slaughter virtually anything? You absolutely need to incorporate altar sacrifices into your church doctrine. Trying to think of a good material for offering? Here's a handy guide to pleasing the god(s):

• Incense. Let's face it: Incense smells horrible, and people take too long to die. If your church is big on requiring its members to donate everything they own to your organization upon their inevitable deaths (highly recommended), speed up the process by requiring daily sacrifices of incense by church members. Do you smell the second-hand smoke? It means you're going to be rich!
• Slaughter animals. Killing animals is historically done as a ritual in numerous religions, but these days it tends to get the ASPCA and PETA after you. You may want to hold off on sacrificing lambs and chickens. Aim your spiritual sights a bit lower; try sacrificing a vegetable, such as a squash or turnip, and work your way up as you build credibility. If Christianity really wanted to, we could see the Bible Belt indulge in a wave of Aztec-style human sacrifices without anyone batting an eye. Except the gay guy burning at the stake. He'd be batting his eyes.
• Gold. Offerings of gold bars, made at altars, idols, and off-shore bank accounts, are a great source of supplementary income. Since gold takes a long time to "burn," tell your worshipers to "deposit" a gold bar or bullion and then come back "later," when it has "melted."
• Fucking anything. When you can't think of anything meaningful to sacrifice, but you got that achin' for a burnin', tell your congregation that God thinks they have too much junk, and the only way to cleanse their souls is to sacrifice it to the heavens. On a side note, this is a great way to heat your church in the winter.

[edit] Step 9: Lining up finances

Religions are gigantic empires, taking lots of money to sustain themselves. If you want to stay afloat, you'll need to get financial backing. You can go a few different ways depending on your own personal preferences.

• Your followers. This is the most common method, and your weekly paycheck is easily collected in the form of a "tithing," "donation," "bake sale," or "charity drive." As long as there's a positive cash flow, you can call it whatever you damn well please.
• Politicians. You'll find that "donations" from politicians are exceedingly generous. Be sure to repay the favor with a loving endorsement for the giver's "generosity".
• The government. This is the hardest to accomplish; you'll need to either a) convince an existing government to adopt your religion as the state religion, giving you a portion of tax money to maintain the "moral well-being" of its citizens, b) convince the government that your almost-nonexistent social services deserve a chunk of secular charity money in a "belief-based preemption", or c) create your own government, setting your own rules and regulations.
• Homeless people. Let's face it: Homeless people have money. They're just spending it all on alcohol and drugs. If you can convince the homeless you'll actually pave them a road to salvation, you can successfully divert their spending from liquor stores to spending on your religion. There are plenty of bums on the street, so with enough charisma, you can fill your treasury with hobo money. This method works exceptionally well if you have a main character who can turn water into wine.

[edit] Step 10: Getting out there

You've made all the preparations. You've got a character, a story, and a plan for survival. It's time to put it out there. There are several ways to establish yourself.

[edit] Create a website

Nothing says spiritual redemption better than a page thrown together in Microsoft FrontPage in fifteen minutes giving a basic outline of your beliefs. Toss a link around a bit in guestbooks and comments, and Google will pick you up. If all goes well, you should end up the top hit for "holy deity religion spiritual one true path." That's the money search.

[edit] Opening a place of worship

Is your god physical? Can you pretend that they are for the sake of getting on your feet? Open a place of worship near you. You need not build an extravagant cathedral; a rented-out storefront in your local strip mall, or even your garage, will suffice. Remember: the one true religion always has humble beginnings.

[edit] Boastful beginnings

If you've gathered financial backing already, blow it on promotion. Hire people to join the ministry, advertise on television, and pay stores to only accept your religion's prayers as currency. Remember: the one true religion always has extravagant beginnings.

[edit] Write to the Kansas Board of Education

Ask that they share your opinions equally with other opinions of how the Universe, the Earth, and Mankind began with all the children in Kansas and some other PC crap like how Kitten Huffing increased under Democrat Presidential administrations. Throw in a "in [your deity]'s name, think of the children!," and they're butter.

[edit] Stir up a shitstorm

Hold protests. Abuse non-believers. Declare bounties on celebrities on the word of your god. If all else fails, start a campaign to create a colony that's "holier" than current civilization. Somewhere in the Rockies should suffice.

[edit] Step 11: Milking the profit

You should be rich and famous by this point; you're the leader of a major religion, you have people worshiping your creation, and you will never pay for another check when you're on a date. Milk it for all it's worth. Planes, trains, automobiles, lions, tigers, bears, snap, crackle, and pop. Gather as much as you can from your followers. Take pride; you are the most powerful man in existence.

Now book it to Mexico.

[edit] Nice thingies

Right now everyone is hopeful and scared. It’s time for the next step. Require your followers to provide you with any nice thingies that you like to have including:-

1. give you a large part of their incomes,
2. give you their virgin daughters as brides if you’re a man or a lesbian (Or perhaps their wives, husbands or lovers - as some people consider virgins to be seriously overrated, and hey, it's your religion so you make the rules.)
3. give you handsome considerate male lovers if you’re gay or a woman,
4. give you cheese, wine, beer, ..... nice healthy lentils or beans, Healthy lentils will certainly make a good impression with the faithful. There’s one problem. GOD DOESN’T FART AND NEITHER DOES GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE. God isn’t subject to flatus and neither is God’s representative.[2] If that need arises tell your followers that you wish to meditate alone to provide them with spiritual benefits.

If you follow the steps outlined above you should have it made for the rest of your life. Don’t worry about what will happen to you in the afterlife. There’s no evidence for any.

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