HowTo:Start a Fire

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Fire 2
“Easier done than said. ”
~ Cow Arson on Chicago

Whether you're trying to commit an act of arson against the major civic building you just got fired from or you're a toddler playing with the incendiary grenade your bastard parents just tossed you, starting a fire is a wholesome activity that can be lots of great fun as long as you're not careful.

Fires have been started since the dawn of man; in fact, there is a god in every religion that has something to do with fire, for instance: the Human Torch of the Fantastic Four. Religion is the backbone of fire, so if you don’t believe in a higher being, send $500 to the Evangelical Avarice Society in Houston, TX and we’ll guarantee you instant fire-power or your money back. CALL NOW!!! 666-821-9382; however, if your IQ is above 80, then you wouldn't fall for that sort of bullshit.

edit Rules to Die By

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WARNING!!! READ THIS BEFORE CONTINUING

1. Fire is not a toy; it is neither solid, liquid, or gas but you can still play with it.

2. Always yell fire instead of rape.

3. Never chew fire with your mouth open.

4. Do not look fire in the eye or you will turn to stone.

5. Stop, Drop, and Roll only works in movies. In real life we use: Stop, Hammer time.

6. Holocaust victims have not accepted fire as an investment vehicle since 1941, so don’t try to sell it to them when you get bored of it.

7. God sold fire to the Devil yesterday, so you will have to sign a contract and liability waiver with Satan if you ever intend to use fire.

8. If you have surpassed the age of 6, you must own a general F-class license in order to legally wield fire. Contact your nearest fire department for more info.

9. When attempting a nice flaming dinner for gay holidays, always preheat your oven to 98 degrees, then insert your fire and let it sit for 6 hours. Make sure to let it cool before you eat fire. Refer to #3 to ensure maximum use of table manners.

edit Pre-heat your oven to 3,600 degrees

Firerock ani
Actual sun rock; photo courtesy of National Geographic, March 2003.

Ok, now the fun begins. Ever wanted to make fire small child/insane sociopath? Do you feel indigent when your mom or personal guardian lights the candles on your birthday party and not you? Ever wanted to see your worst enemy/ex-lover wither and char before your very own eyes...?

Well look no further because a little bit of the simple F-word is the answer to all your problems. Fire, that is. Some of you reading this may kill ants for pleasure or fantasize about being a superhero so you can do the things you can't do in real life, such as, affecting the lives of others and attracting women. These are base emotional sensations most of us encounter when we are initially struck by an object or concept (something) that contains power. (See gun)

Pay close attention to the following measures and your primal rages will be satisfied in no time. We will now teach you in 8 deadly steps, how to start a fire!

1. Build/steal a spaceship

2. Fly to the sun

3. Gather a few sun rocks (Warning: Hot)

4. Place sun rocks in a jar

5. Place lid on jar

6. Fly back to earth

7. Throw sun rocks at a gas-main and Voila, fire.

8. Avoid having sex with Whoopi Goldberg at all costs.

edit Stuff that makes fire

Fires can also be started without the use of sun rocks; it is however, the most organic and natural way of starting a fire but it will cost you extra. If you’re short on funds and or are having trouble carrying out the procedure stated above, you might want to consider these options: buy a fucking book of matches; make sure however, that it has the words, “fucking book of matches,” inscribed upon the product merchandise or you will have little luck in properly crafting a genuine fire.

National Geographic made an article a few years ago on substances that fires are known to start the most readily from. Please regard the following list of chemically known words as potential channels for instigating a fire.

Born of fire vhs
National Geographic, March 2003.


(Things That Are Fun to Burn, National Geographic, March 2003.)


  1. Forest
  2. Chicago
  3. Jews
  4. Hell
  5. Fire
  6. Books
  7. Kittens
  8. Dolphins
  9. Baby Seals
  10. Billy Joel - You started the fucking fire
  11. Witches
  12. More Witches!!
  13. Sun
  14. Sun rocks
  15. Marilyn Manson
  16. Micheal Jackson (Deceased)"doesn't burn but melts"
  17. George Bush
  18. Volcanos
  19. Water
  20. Children
  21. London
Tip

Running low on stuff that burns? You may want to try igniting stuff that isn't so fun to burn such as wood, coal, comic collection or a stained blue dress.

edit Maintain the flame

Ok, you’ve got the fire going and you want to keep it going.

“There is only one thing worse than not having a fire go out and that is having a fire go out.”
~ Oscar Wilde on fires going out

Remember this quote and you cannot possibly fuck up.

Before science, people were persistently confused with the fact that their fire would go out without prior personal consent. Defiant fires were often whipped and criticized in the olden days for having gone out without some authoritative body granting its extinguishment.

This development of disobedience was countered in the late 19th century with Thomas Edison’s invention of the fire hose. If a disobedient fire was discovered, the fire hose was taken to its whereabouts and would strangle the fire mercilessly like a furious boa constrictor. Before this time, constrictors were used incessantly to extinguish out-of-control fires all over the world. It wasn’t until their untimely shortage that Chicago ran out of boa constrictors and had to watch their city crumble before mighty defiant flames. There is a book by Voltaire 2 on the devastation sustained in Chicago during the late 19th century titled, "Help Us! We’re out of Boa Constrictors!". The people they were supposedly calling to for help was Green Bay in Wisconsin but they were too busy eating cheese and learning football.

The invention of the fire hose has forever changed the history of extinguishing a fire, so if you want to keep a fire going, make sure it’s well out of range of any fire hoses or boa constrictors.

Fire 3
Woman trying to put the Boa out with a fire.

edit Extinguish the flame

What an absurd idea! Well, I suppose there's always a good time to stop but that's not until you've pissed off a lot of people or caused grievous city-wide damage. If this particular line of subject matter is disturbing, play Vice or Sim City until you are comfortable. Think of it as if you did not succeed in accomplishing these things, the entire effort should be looked upon as a complete failure.

Under NO circumstances whatsoever should there be anybody, other than YOURSELF (the fire-starter), who serves as appointed extinguisher to the fire. The Bible says, Let not one who is without fire be the first to smother thy fire hath he been the one who did not start the fire in the first fucking place.

- David 14:3


edit Why does fire burn?

Fire burns simply because it is having sex with more fire or it is near stuff that burns (See stuff that burns above). Modern science has taught us that there has to be a resource present for the fire to fruitfully discharge upon so it can effectively burn and not turn into Bill Cosby.

In 2006, the University of Hawaii refuted this generally accepted claim and theorized that fire, in fact, does not discharge upon mere earthly matter but magical matter as well.

During this exhaustive scholastic study, Dr. Jesus, a professor of divine physics at the University of Hawaii (UH!), was sent next door to the Pacific Ocean to collect the ashes of the late J.P. Morgan for technical analysis. After placing the acquired remains into an urn, he asked the question of why fire burns and it responded, according to his journals, “magic.” He then violently soiled himself, according to his journals, and sought out some esteemed colleagues of his at U of H for marketing advice. One day later, he published a grammatically error-ridden paragraph in every scientific periodical he could find to disclose the properties of inter-dimensional magic and its effects on fire. The article was titled, Fire and stuff. Dated: December 25th 2006 - Random House Periodicals LTD.

122mortarImage7
In the corner, next to the mortar, is always the safest place to hide your fire extinguishers.

edit Being irresponsibly responsible with fire

Alright, we’ve taught you how to be responsible with fire so now we’re going to show you how to be responsible with fire in an irresponsible way. In order to successfully accomplish this, you must have a firm understanding and knowledge of a Koan or Chinese penis riddle. Knowing the answer, you must then ask someone who is older then you what the premise of the riddle is.

For example, you say: “Fwop, Fwop, Fwop,” and then the old person says: “What’s the sound of one hand jacking?” Get it? Got it? Good, get out of here; fire lessons are over for the day.

It was awesome!
Now you're ready to start a fire in a building

edit How to deny arson accusations

The best way to do this is to recite a string of historical events while occasionally interjecting to assert the fact that you "didn't start the fire".

edit Useless Trivia

  • We didn't start the fire.
  • It should be known that James Taylor doesn't know shit about fire, or rain.
  • Legendary prophet St. Elmo even has his own fire.
  • Fire endorsed presidential candidate Alf Landon in 1936.
  • Fire was portrayed by Dorian Harewood during the 1984 Emmy Awards; he died as a result.
  • Fire won the 200m sprint at the 1936 Summer Olympics against Jackie Robinson's brother, Matthew "Mack" Robinson, who also beat the world record at the time.
  • Fire appeared on the Wheaties Box in 1775 after helping the American revolutionists burn down trees that housed proton-monkey assassins belonging to the British Army.
  • Fire can play chess one-handed.

edit Related Topics

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