HowTo:Staple toast to a wall

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Toast-clock
It's time for some toast staplin'.

Hi there friend! If you're anything at all like me, [1] you have an incredibly powerful, almost erotic romantic erotic love for stapling toast to a wall. You may at this time be wondering why you, an important person with important stuff to do like picking out drapes and crap, would ever want to staple toast to a wall? Well, my answer is that this is a How to article, not a Why article, but to satisfy your curiosity, I will provide a list of reasons:

Why you should Staple Toast to a wall (even though it's pretty obvious)

If none of these reasons seem sufficient for you, please consider this sixth, most important reason:

  • I have a gun.

Why Stapling Toast to a wall isn't as easy as it looks

Toast wall449
When we finish, your toast should look like this.


Stapling toast to a wall is one of those activities that seems really simple, but frankly it isn't. There are a near infinite number of variables to consider when you begin stapling. How dark should the toast be? What kind of staples? Should you butter the toast or put jelly on it, and if you do butter/jelly it, do you staple it first, or butter/jelly it first?

And that's just the beginning!

How many staples should you use? Should you hire an interior decorator? How about a cook?

Does it still seem simple now? And with the invasion coming any day now, do you really want to stand around thinking through the options? You need action. I've tried all the methods, from blowtorching the toast to fucking it. Through this extensive testing and experimenting, I've learned what works, and I can lead you, hand-in-hand, through the confusing quagmire and challenge that only stapling toast to a wall can provide.

How to staple toast to a wall

Find a stapler and staples

This may be difficult if you happen to be poor or lazy. If you're lazy, you're probably too much of a useless turd to go to an office store like say, Staples, to buy some. If you're poor, you might not be able to afford staples or even have them lying around the house. If you're lazy, the solution is to go ask your next door neighbor, assuming you can muster the energy to get off the fucking couch. If you're poor, try pulling a staple out of the wall or a floorboard with your bare hands. I'd suggest using a hammer or something, but you're poor, so you probably don't have one. You probably have crack, but that's not likely to help here.

If you're poor and you don't have a stapler, you can always try panhandling for staplers, or you can just ask nicely.

Sanitize the staples

This step is only important if you don't want to bother getting tetanus. If that's not important to you, or the aliens are invading right now, then skip ahead to step three.

To sanitize the staples , go to a nearby restaurant. Ask for a cup of sanitizer. The cashier or whomever you talk to will raise an eyebrow in confusion/suspicion. This is okay. You were anticipating this. Tell them it is an emergency and the fate of humanity lies in their hands. The cashier will be swarmed by a mix of emotions, such as fear, pity, and horniness. If for some reason this doesn't work, threaten their families.

Before you actually dip the staples and stapler into the sanitizer, try using it on something else, like your bare skin. If you feel a slight tingling, burning sensation, or if you see bubbling or you hear a loud hissing sound, then you've been duped. They actually didn't give you sanitizer, but hydrochloric acid. This is why you should test on your hand first, or else you have to go back to step one and get a stapler again.

Conversely, if you dip your hands in the liquid, and your hand feels cold and the texture feels creamy, then the restaurant gave you a milkshake instead.[2] In this case, it was probably accidental, so you don't need to waste time going back and murdering everybody. Just go back and ask for your sanitizer. Wear a ski mask.

Prepare the toast

You'll need good, sturdy toast in order for it to hang on the wall for a decent amount of time. White bread isn't going to cut it. You need the fiber in the wheat bread to hold the toast [3] together. For this same reason, buttering your toast is a no-no.

Before toasting your toast in the toaster, make sure the setting is on three fourths dark. If your toast comes out the color of Tiger Woods or lighter, you haven't toasted long enough. If the toast comes out the color of Flavor Flav, you burnt your toast. If you run out of bread, you'll need to go to the store to get more. Don't forget your ski mask.

Find a wall

This can be an especially difficult step. There are a lot of things that aren't walls. Here are some examples to help you:


Cute-puppy
This is definitely not a wall.


Wall-e
No no no, that just has "Wall" in it's name.


Pink floyd the wall
Okay, technically, that is a wall, but it's not what we're looking for here.


090721e
Yes. A freaking wall. Congratulations, genius. You figured it out.

How to staple the toast (standard way)

You will need to choose your stapling plan carefully. Too few staples, and the toast won't hang on the wall properly. Too many staples, and you will stifle the organic energies that naturally emanate from the toast, as well as ruin the aesthetic need for movement that all toast naturally has. I've drawn a diagram to illustrate:

Stapled toast diagram
On the left, we have toast with a moderate amount of staples. On right, we see the destruction of the toast's natural beauty. Don't do this.

How to staple the toast (daredevil way)

Say you're in the mood for a little thrills and excitement. Say you want an adrenaline rush while you're busy stapling that toast to a wall. It's totally understandable. Here's how you do it:

First, buy a motorcycle and bring it into the room with the wall in it. Next, get a staple gun. Get on the motorcycle, and this is important-

'DON'T WEAR A HELMET' or 'ANY PADDING WHATSOEVER!'

Hold the toast straight out with one hand and the stapler gun with the other. Use your knees to drive the motorcycle. Drive full speed toward the wall while attempting to shoot the toast into the wall.

Optional: Hit the brakes before crashing into the wall. The likely negative outcome of this event will be you crashing into the wall and breaking a few bones, possibly important ones, such as your spine, but, and this is also important-

'It will be a HUGE adrenaline rush! YES!'

Should you eat the toast?

This is a big decision here. Once again, there are many variables and many consequences. If you are on the brink of starvation, eating the toast could be a good idea, but be warned, as doing so may inadvertently cause an alien abduction, intergalactic war, or a minor case of Post Traumatic Stress From Not Having Toast Disorder. (PTSFNHTD)

  • If the toast is moldy, don't eat the toast.
  • If the toast is somehow alive or has become sentient for any other reason, don't eat it, or you will be labeled a murderer.
  • If you put too many staples in it, then don't eat the toast.
  • If you happen to be on fire, now is not the time to worry about toast. Stop, drop, and roll first, then reconsider eating the toast.
  • If you are being attacked by zombies, don't eat the toast, because if the toast is old enough to look like a human brain, you may be able to distract the zombies with your toast. Also, if the toast is old enough to look like a human brain, eating it will probably make you sick.

Honestly, whether or not you eat the toast is up to you, but you're really better off not eating it.

  1. and why in the name of Poseidon's mossy trident wouldn't you be?
  2. Or refrigerated jizz.
  3. and hence the entire sense of meaning in your sad, fickle, Kafkaesque life
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