HowTo:Stand in front of large threatening objects and/or situations
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“In Soviet Russia, large threatening objects and/or situations stand in front of you!”
So, you want to stand in front of large threatening objects and/or situations. Very well. This is a great method for suicide or impressing the girl/alien being of your dreams.
edit Getting started
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You may first want to practice standing in front of large non-threatening objects like redwood trees or the huge mutherfucking thing at NASA that goes like 2 miles an hour and carries the rockets. Yeah...
Once you do that, you may want to study up on the tank man of Tianemen Square. He was a famous guy that stood in front of large threatening objects and/or situations.
edit Taking it Up a Notch
Alright, now it's time to stand in front of your first large threatening object and/or situation. I think that now I should point out that THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE AND ALL SUBSEQUENT EDITORS WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY, DEATH, PERSONAL INCONVIENCE, OR MEDICAL BILLS FOLLOWING THE READING OF THIS ARTICLE. THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, you must run out into the street, jump in front of a car, then jump aside again. It will decide if you are able to become a professional jumper-in-front-of-large-threatening-objects-and/or-situationser.
edit I Died
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. But let me take this time to remind you that THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE AND ALL SUBSEQUENT EDITORS WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY, DEATH, PERSONAL INCONVIENCE, OR MEDICAL BILLS FOLLOWING THE READING OF THIS ARTICLE. THANK YOU.
edit Are you ready?
If you survived, then you are ready to become a contender. But you gotta stay hungry. Mmm, hungry. Speaking of which, I need to go make myself a sandwich. Go practice.
edit Are you ready? PT. 2 (I'm back)
Okay, I'm back. Have you practiced? Good. Now, it's time to enroll yourself in an amateur jump-in-front-of-large-objects-and/or-situations competition. These are usually held every 80th Sunday of the month or every Saturday at a nearby highway. Below are the rules.
edit The Competition
Here is how the competition works.
- Every player jumps in front of a random object then moves.
- The next player has to jump in front of a larger object. If no larger object comes, you must jump in front of the largest.
- The competition is over when everyone except for two people are eliminated.
- People are eliminated when they are injured, chicken out, cheat, or die of course.
- When only two are left, there is a major face-off. The two remaining players drive a car high speed into the other's car. Whoever comes out of the wreck in the best condition is the winner.
- Bonus points are awarded when: You're drunk and win somehow, you're high and win somehow, you piss off the driver of a car into following you and trying to run you down and survive somehow.
- The champion receives a trophy, a cash prize, and of course, become an honorary member of the League of SIFOLTOA/OS. You know what it stands for, don't make me write it out. (Hint: Look at title of article.)
edit The League
The League of SINFOLTOA/OS (lets just call it SINFOLTOA), was created by the infamous Tank Man of Tianemen Square. He was actually an OCD sufferer who only felt good about himself when standing in front of large threatening objects and/or situations. This guy was everywhere!
Anyway, the club has lodges everywhere. There are many members. Here are some of the more famous ones.
- The Tank Man of Tianemen Square
- Al Pacino
- Saint Jimmy
- Paris Hilton
- Christopher Walken
- Glenn Danzig(He actually made a tractor trailor run away!)
- In 2002, proffessional asshole and anal rapist Jack Thompson sued the League of SINFOLTOA for "insinuating violence". He preceded to write letters to the Tank Man saying that if he didn't stop insinuating violence, he would firebomb his grandmother's house.
- In 2007, a young woman named
Anna Nicole SmithJodie joined the League of SINFOLTOA and was killed by an oncoming truck. Lawsuits were brought against the league, even though people had been dying from this sport since back in the early 1900's. What the hell did she think we meant when we made her sign a form saying she could possibly die from the League. And is there not a disclaimer or 2 above this. Let's put another one.
THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE AND ALL SUBSEQUENT EDITORS WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY, DEATH, PERSONAL INCONVIENCE, OR MEDICAL BILLS FOLLOWING THE READING OF THIS ARTICLE. THANK YOU.