HowTo:Spray all over the goddamn place when you pee
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An estimated one-third of the women in the world over the age of 40 experience urinary incontinence, causing embarrassing moments in public restrooms where urine gets on the toilet seat, toilet, stall walls, floors, ceiling, and other bathroom patrons. Unfortunately, a significant portion of the population without this problem would jump at the opportunity to spray pee all over the goddamn place, if only years of toilet training, germophobia, and strong healthy, uncrushed urethras didn't stand in their way.
Now, thanks to advances in modern technology, anti-kegel exercises, and incredibly unhealthy food, men and women at any age can pee all over the goddamn place like drunken truckers on trampolines.
Spraying urine everywhere and you
Many critics of urinary incontinence claim that it is an embarrassing and demeaning situation to be caught in, on par with that of going to work covered in used condoms, or of owning a Segway. The large majority of the critics do not actually experience urinary incontinence, because if they did, they'd realize that it is actually a blessing in disguise.
A brief list of advantages to urinary incontinence
Individuals who "suffer" from urinary incontinence get to experience all kinds of great benefits. Here's how it can benefit YOU.
- You get to tell all of your friends and have them garner sympathy for your plight.
- You have a legitimate excuse to pee wherever you want.
- It is very easy to cool yourself on a hot day.
- Your friends get to invent cool nicknames for you, like "firehose"
- It makes you more dominant in personal and work relationships.
The In's and Out's of the peeing everywhere crowd
Okay, so you have a perfectly normal urethra but a burning desire to spray on something. Congratulate yourself. You've already won the most important part of the battle. Learning to spray the day away is really a matter of removing barriers. From here on in, it's just a matter of mastering your mental attitude, destroying your timing, and mangling up your tubing something fierce.
Fighting the fear
Who does "polite society" think it is? How dare society tell you where to pee! That's the mindset you should have, going into this. Are you just gonna stand there, taking it from the man, or are you going to demonstrate the sheer power of your bladder? Don't be shy. I'm not.
If your attitude isn't exactly so bold, it's understandable. Years of societal conditioning, adult diapers, and drugs can take the fight out of a person. Let's look at your individual fears one at a time and dismantle them.
Why you're afraid to spray
- Your spouse/parents/parole officer will judge you.
It is easy to care about what your loved ones or government sponsored correctional officers think about you. After all, you care about them, or at least what they have to say, but consider this; what if they too, are chained down by the man, simply yearning to free themselves needing only inspiration? You could help liberate them. This is where you need to be brave. Like all new pioneers, new ideas are initially resisted, but the payoff is great. You could go down in history as a famous revolutionary, liberating others from their fear of peeing all over the damn place. At first your mother may not like the idea of you peeing all over the goddamn place, but she'll come around. You might even win her over to your side!
- People have to clean up after you.
Who wouldn't feel a little guilty at the thought of some janitor, or perhaps some minimum wage fast food worker cleaning up after you? Please try thinking of it this way: Without the existence of your urine all over the place, these people would have nothing to clean up. Having nothing to clean up means that there is no reason for a person to have that job in the first place. By peeing all over the goddamn place, you are essentially helping to fight unemployment.
- Urine is yucky.
Whoever told you this is wrong. Urine is delightful. I want you to say it out loud with me. Right now. Say "Urine is not yucky. Urine is wonderful." Say it five times, and mean it. Now, I want you to go lick some urine. Don't ask why, just do it. I promise you, this is absolutely essential in order for you to break your flawed thinking. There, did it taste good? If it didn't, lick it again. If you did, tada! Urine isn't so yucky after all!
- You're afraid you'll give somebody AIDS
First of all, do you actually have AIDS, or any STD for that matter? If not, then there is no reason to worry about this. If you do have AIDS, don't worry. The germs will probably die off or something before anyone gets around to touching it. It's scientific fact! I think...
- You mistakenly believe that only losers pee all over the goddamn place.
Losers? If you believe that only losers pee all over the goddamn place, then I'm afraid you're stuck calling a lot of infamous people from history losers, including Martin Luther King Jr.,  Caesar Augustus,  and Nero. Are these people losers to you? Remember if Siddhartha did it, then you can too.
Now that we've removed the deep and complex mental barriers that bar you from successful peeing, it is time to physically enable your full potential. Before you can successfully alter your body, it is important to understand how your body works.
Imagine that this water balloon is your bladder. If you pour it out normally, it pours in a steady stream, which is of course what we don't want. Next, try flattening the neck of the balloon. See how it sprays? This little fact is your key to achieving urinary incontinence. I know this because I saw it on Dr. Oz.
How to flatten that sucker
If you're female, the solution is pretty straightforward. Get pregnant. It may take a few pregnancies to work, results may vary. If for some reason birth doesn't work, try waiting around for menopause, or if you aren't patient enough for that, try punching yourself in the uterus. Pregnancy, however, is the most simple method and should be your first course of action.
For the guys, it's a little different. Since their tubes extend to the tip of the penis, it's easier to flatten. The best method for tubal flattening is either a large rock placed over the penis, or alternatively, a vice grip slowly clamped onto the penis. This method works best when the penis is aroused. Men also have the option of temporarily spraying, which is useful if they need to pick and choose when and where to spray depending on location. I find that spraying on a golf course for example, doesn't do anything for me, but going at an Apple-bees is perfect.
To do this, find either some dental floss or a few pubic hairs. If you cannot find pubic hairs, you are either thirteen or aren't looking hard enough. If you are underage, borrow a pubic hair from an adult. Thread the item over the tip of your penis in a vertical fashion. When you are finished, your penis and floss/pube apparatus should be vaguely similar to an archer's bow. If you are successful, urine should spray in two or more directions and those streams should hit basically everything except for the toilet.
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If you followed all of the steps successfully, by now you should have reached the peak of bathroom liberation. Peeing all over the goddamn place is beneficial to both mental and physical health. I recommend it to all people who ask my advice on anything, even to people who ask advice on things irrelevant to peeing all over the place. The way I see it, it's important to spread the word. People sometimes think that my focus on it is a little obsessive, fixated, and monomaniacal. None of those words, however, have anything to do whatsoever with spraying all over the goddamn place when you pee, so it doesn't matter. May your sojourn into the world of peeing everywhere enrich your life in the same way it has enriched mine.