HowTo:Spot A Transsexual
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More and more men are taking female hormones, receiving breast implants, and undergoing sex-change operations to become “women.” Some start these procedures while they’re still teens and more than a few mimic women so well that they can use the ladies’ room without raising an eyebrow among real women and are able to snare a man of their own. Of course, red-blooded American men want no part--especially not those parts--of an imitation woman, so knowing how to spot a transsexual can help real men avoid these freaks.
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[edit] Giveaways
Fortunately, many indications give away the true nature of wannabe women, among which are their feet, the way they walk, their hooters (or lack thereof), their shoulders, their larynxes, hands, cosmetics application, jargon, and coyness. Certain clothing items can also help one to spot the transsexual who is seeking to pass itself off as a real woman. If it looks to good to be true, it probably is.
[edit] Feet
Does “she” have feet the size of Bigfoot’s? If so, run, don’t walk, as fast as possible from “her” womanly clutches, because, most likely, anyone with the feet the size even of Bozo the Clown’s ain’t no lady; “she’s” a he--a ladyboy.
[edit] Walk
Can “she” walk the walk, especially in high heels, that true women can walk? Does "she" stride in style, have a graceful gait, exhibit a womanly walk? Or does "she" look like a model on a catwalk (many of whom, incidentally, are transsexuals), trodding like a goosestepping commie, with too much “precision” and obvious rehearsal in "her" rollicking walk?
[edit] Breasts
If "she" is small-breasted, or has no boobs, like Alyson Hannigan, "she" may be a tranny. On the other hand, if "her" juggs look like basketballs--too big, too round, and too good to be true--and are divided by a deep, wide valley, and stay spherical even when "she's" lying flat on "her" back, "she's" lying, all right: "she's" a he!
[edit] Shoulders
Give the shemale the cold shoulder if "her" shoulders are wider than "her" hips, because, again, most likely, "she" ain’t no lady. Women’s shoulders-to-hips ratio is typically more in proportion to one another.
[edit] Adam’s apple
The apple got stuck in Adam’s throat, not Eve’s, so if “she” has one, “she’s” probably a he. Ann Coulter and Sandra Bullock are both transsexuals, although they’ve both been able to pass, at least in some circles, as women. Bullock, despite the masculine sound of "her" surname and "her" obviously masculine throat, has succeeded well enough to be accepted as female by much of the world’s population and is always referred to as an actress rather than as an actor.
Unfortunately, the plastic surgeons have found a way to “shave” the Adam’s apple, which enables transsexuals who have had this procedure to "pass" more easily as female mimics. For those who can’t afford this alteration, there are always turtlenecks and scarves. Stay away from ”women” who wear such neck attire.
[edit] Hands
Big hands probably indicate a he-man, even if he’s dressed in drag, so look for more than a wedding ring when you check out this portion of your “lady’s” anatomy.
[edit] Cosmetics
It is a proven fact that transsexuals do not know how to apply make-up. Unlike real women, they have not had the opportunity to practice every day, so if "she" has poorly applied, lipstick, eyeliner, and blush and generally looks like a hooker who put on her make-up while drunk, then "she" might be a "he."
[edit] Hair
Half of all transexuals have long hair, the better to look classically feminine. Therefore, if "she" has long hair, then "she" probably wasn't born female. The other half have short hair, the better to look modern and chic. Therefore, if "she" has short hair, then "she" is probably looking for a little operation in Sweden.
[edit] Terminology
Transsexuals seldom call themselves “transsexuals” or “shemales,” and many don’t go by “ladyboys,” either, especially in front of men they want to con into sex-for-hire or a long-term relationship. Instead, when they refer to their “condition” at all, it’s usually in code, so a wise man will learn the jargon before it’s too late.
[edit] Coyness
If you reach for "her" you-know-what and "she" snatches your hand away, it’s probably because "her" package isn’t what you’d expect a lady to have “down there.” If they prefer backdoor sex after a bit of fellatio, as Sarah Michelle Gellar reportedly does, that’s another tip that your “girlfriend” might be a boyfriend.
[edit] Dating
Only a transsexual, and even then only an extremely horny and sex-starved transsexual, would ever date you. If you are reading this because you're dating someone, run.
[edit] Transsexual celebrities?
Ever since transsexual Caroline Cossey, better known as Tula, appeared as one of the long-legged "ladies" (or, in her case, ladyboys) who languished at the side of a swimming pool in the 1980 James Bond flick For Your Eyes Only, rumors are rampant in Hollywood and elsewhere that several other supposedly female celebrities are really transwomen, or male-to-female transsexuals, so don’t get anything more from them than their autographs.
Alleged transsexual actresses include Alyson Hannigan (no breasts), Ann Coulter (huge Adam's apple, hands, and feet), Britney Spears (skull structure like Mike Tyson's), Camilla Parker-Bowles (definitely a man in drag), Grace Jones (to see "her" is to know "she's" no woman), Jamie Lee Curtis (Hollywood's first transsexual), Jennifer Garner (facial bone structure like that of Hulk Hogan's), Jessica Simpson (the Caucasian Mr. T), Katherine Harris (more than chads were hanging in "her" voting district), Mariah Carey ("her" physique is masculine, except for the breast implants, and in high school, they called "her" "Buddy"), Paris Hilton (even all her money couldn't buy "her" decent sex-change surgery), Rosie O'Donnell (the face that launched a 1,000 gags), Sandra Bullock (an Adam's apple like the primeval patriarch's), and Sarah Michelle Gellar ("she's" a peroxide-blonde version of "her" hubby).
[edit] What to do if you do spot a transsexual
If you do spot a transsexual, there are several actions you can take. In the order of their preference:
[edit] Run for your life!
The best and most appropriate action is to run without stopping until you reach the relative safety of a police station, a military base, or a sorority house (but make sure it's full of real women). Transsexuals fear cops, soldiers, and genetic females, so these places are generally safe. On the other hand, you want to make sure you avoid such locations as women's restrooms, beauty salons, and, especially, ladies' clothing stores.
[edit] Pretend you're a homo
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If you are unable to flee, you can pretend that you are gay. Transsexuals are only interested in men who are interested in women. If you don't appear to be, chances are that they'll pass you by without a second glance.
[edit] Pretend you're on the pill (but don't have one handy)
If you can't bring yourself even to pretend that you're anything but an all-beef, totally manly man, then pretend that you are impotent and have forgotten your Viagra. "She" won't waste another moment on you.
[edit] Lie
If all else fails, tell "her" that "she" looks like your Uncle Marty or ask "her" if "she" forgot to shave. Tell "her" this even if "her" skin is the smoothest, sleekest, most satiny epidermis you've ever laid eyes (but never hands!) on, and "her" complexion puts even Marilyn Monroe's to shame. "She" may scratch your eyes out, but, otherwise, "she's" sure to leave you the hell alone.
[edit] The test
You've read, you've learned, you've inwardly digested: now let's see how much attention you've been paying. Take the famous 'Female or Shemale' test [1] Score anything less than 16/16, and you have to do some serious, hands-on, in depth research.
