HowTo:Speak German

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This is not an article to take the piss out of Adolf Hitler. That is here
If you want an article that takes the piss out of Germans you are looking at it.

History of the German Language

German was invented after the collapse of the Roman Empire. This period is known as the Dark Ages. This is a time when people forgot to speak because they were n00bs and lived in huts. New languages were invented all over the world but the most prominent and stupid of them was German. It was invented by a guy called Hans von Grubellschimmer. Input was also given by Chuck Norris and Superman.

Main Principles of the German Language

The language can sound horrendously complicated and annoying but if you follow these simple rules you will be speaking German in no time.

  • Use the word 'Ja' as often as possible.
  • Try and insult a foreigner in every sentence you say.
  • Put as many suffixes on the end of a sentence as you can.
  • Big up Hitler as much as possible.
  • Funny sounding words should be used as much as possible.


Words That DO NOT Exist in German

  • Sorry.
  • Peace.
  • Excuse me.
  • Please.
  • Thank you.

Be very careful when trying to say something that might need one of these words. You will get beaten up.


German Prefixes

  • Von
  • Ge

That's about it really.


German Suffixes

This is more like it.

  • reg
  • kor
  • zor
  • gen
  • gruberhaft
  • mit
  • zen
  • gereg
  • grun
  • grunge
  • dij
  • iss
  • en

When speaking German USE AS MANY OF THESE AS POSSIBLE


Some useful German phrases

If you are in Germany and are new to the weird language they speak here are a few key sentences you will need to learn.
Was ist deiner lieblings Butterbrot?-What is your favourite sandwitch?
Von welchem gleiss?-From which platform
Deine Mutter-your mother
In meine Tasche habe ich ein Kuli-In my bag I have a pen
Ja wohl mein Fuhrer!-Yes emperor! Note: this is the best translation of 'Fuhrer' we have in English. The only other good translation is 'Jerk with small moustache'.
Ich mochte ein curriedworst-I would like a curried sausage


Popular German conversation topics

Once you have mastered the language you will want to test out your new skills on some unexpecting Jerrys. Try asking what they think of Poland. You will be able to have a nice conversation about lebensraum and why some people are naturally superior than others (I am a commie so I don't persaonally think that). If you are into hisory you can ask them which Reich they prefere. Of course they will have to say the third one or the Gestapo will arrest them, but it still a good conversation starter.
Tip: don't get Germans started on Jews or commies. rtdrdutrdftrgc and remebr fuck hard.....

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