HowTo:Speak Dolphin

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Tursiops truncatus head

Ee'k a'ak sqeeek uh'k ak! Are you ready for your first lesson?

Squee'ek uh'k kk'kkkk squeek eee'eek! Hello, human, it is nice to see you here. If you had no idea what I said, then you don't know shit (about Dolphin). The language of dolphins (called Dolphin) is spoken by over seven million intelligent beings all around the world (all of them dolphins) and on most parts of the dolphin's homeworld (also called Dolphin). And this is a course designed especially for humans to learn Dolphin. A'aak k'kkkk eeek squeak! So come learn!

edit Why should I learn Dolphin?

Although no human in existence understands Dolphin (yes, this article was written by a dolphin), learning Dolphin could be an extremely useful skill. Learning a second language provides one not only with more job opportunities in the future, but more chances to meet new people (dolphins), and it also opens up a window to a people's (dolphins') culture. Also, on the off chance that the world is about to be destroyed to make way for a hyperspacial bypass, you won't confuse it with a triple sommersault through a hoop while whistling the Star-Spangaled Banner.

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edit First Lesson: The ABCs of Dolphin

The Dolphin alphabet consists of exactly seven letters. Three vowels: a, e, u with lots of umlauts and accent marks to confuse foreigners even more. Three consonants: s, q, k. And the letter h, which..uhh..we don't really get what it is, so just forget about it. Kk'kk-squeek! Forget!

A'aak uh'k eeeeeh ahk ahk'kkk! Learn the ABCs please:

(In a melodic tone) A, E, H, K, Q, S, U...A, E, H, K, Q, S, U...etc...

edit Lesson Two: Nouns

Nouns in Dolphin belong to one of three genders, just like humans: Strait, Gae, and Bi. Knowing to which gender a noun belongs to is not too important, as all but the pickiest of Dolphins will understand you nonetheless. However, you should still learn. Every noun also has a certain level of "sexiness", which determines exactly how one should pronounce it (but you'll learn about that later. If I feel like it) Here is a chart of some common words in Dolphin and their sexual orientation (gender, duh):

WordGenderSexiness
K'kkah (water) StraitAverage
Eeeehk (dolphin)BiGodly sexy
Uh'k (human)StraitHideous
Squeee (fin)StraitJust a little sexy
K'kk (kitten)BiAverage
Squee'ak (fish)Gae Maybe
Kah'kk (boat)GaeNot sexy
Squa (ocean)Bi(Unknown)
Kkkkk (penis)GaeAverage
Squasqua (*it*)BiSteamy...
Quaaaa (land)GaeDefinitely Not Sexy
Squeeeh'kah (toy)GaeKinda Sexy
Uuuh? (tree) ??? What's a tree?
Squa'akk (tailfin)Strait Extremely sexy

edit Lesson Three:Verbs

Any action in Dolphin (i.e. eating, sleeping, masturbating) can be expressed with one word, depending on the gender of the subject: Eeeh (strait), kkk'kkk (gae), or squeeek (bi). The sexier a word is, the more E's and K's it gets. So if you were to say "Slap the dolphin", you would say:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeh ka eeeehk!

Because "dolphin" is such a sexy word, it gets 12 E's in the word slapped, as oppose to human:

K'k ka uh'k! (Slap the human)

Which only gets two K's because it is such a hideous word.

edit Lesson Four:Adjectives

Dolphins don't use adjectives. We don't believe in pointing out differences between us dolphins and you ugly, smelly humans.

edit Lesson Five:Prepopopopsitions? Prepostions? Prepozoids? Those things you put between words

In Dolphin, to use a preposition, the subject must exhibit a certain level of sexiness to be worthy. For example, you can use the word aaah'k, which means "inside" with any word, even human. But the word k'kkqua (outside) is reserved for extremely sexy words, like dolphin or tailfin. If one were to say "Throw the human outside" in Dolphin, they would be instantly eradicated. But if one were to say "Throw the dolphin outside", they would still be eradicated...nevertheless, that's not the point. Dolphins are picky, so use the right word. Or else..

edit Lesson Six:Questions

Never ask a dolphin a question in their native language (Dolphin). It is a mark of the highest disrespect and will immediately earn you a bitch slap. The Dolphin language was invented for communication; how is anyone supposed to use it the right way if we keep asking questions? ! However, it is perfectly alright to ask a non-dolphin a question, even in Dolphin. So if you must ask a question, the right thing to say is: "I amm hor nee". No, really! It's a universal sentence that can mean whatever you want it to. Yes, it is magic. Yes, dolphins are wizards. Hee hee...stupid, smelly human.

edit Lesson Seven:Adverbs

Adverbs are like adjectives. But for verbs. We don't use them. Go away!

edit Lesson Eight:Punctuation

All sentences spoken in Dolphin end in an exclamation marks. Since we don't use questions, question marks are useless. If a sentence makes you really happy or really mad, don't use exclamations, use @. It's the plural form of "!" and makes a delicious snack anywhere.

edit Lesson Nine:K'aah Queee!

K'aah Queee! is a word in Dolphin that means "Knowing when to shut your mouth" and is a very important part of speaking Dolphin. K'aah Queee! involves shutting your silly non-pointy-toothed human mouth when confronted by a much worthier being. K'aah Queee! should be used whenever:

  • a human is in the presence of a dolphin
  • you are in the presence of a king, knight, or paladin
  • you are in another dolphin's hood

Failure to follow K'aah Queee! earns you complete and instantaneous extermination of you and your species via Capybara bomb.


Congratulations! You can know speak fluent Dolphin! Ee'k kkk'kkkk hu'uk squaaah squeeek! All you need to do now is purchase Dr.Chum's Human-Dolphin Dictionary, available anywhere Human-Dolphin dictionaries are sold.

As a reward, you can now put these pretty templates on your User page next to your other assorted random crap:

{{User Dolphin}}
Tursiops truncatus head Eeek ahk sque'ek uhk kkkk'k squeek!


do-3 This user is able to contribute with an advanced level of Dolphin.
Show everyone you can speak Dolphin, too.
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