Hello, superior life form! Have you ever wanted to learn the marvelous and ancient language of
cocks chickens? No? Well now you can anyway. From the same people/ person / creepy-ass guy who lives in a basement people who brought you HowTo:Speak Dolphin, comes the all-new language guide to learning the language of cocks chickens! (called Chicken)
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
If you want to be able to speak, write, and decipher countless ancient scripts written in Chicken, you've come just in time. Every year, an annoyingly high amount of chickens are emigrating from their homeland, Chickenland to other less crappy countries in order to escape war, famine, oppressive government control, crap like that. These chickens aren't just here to take our jobs and overcrowd our schools, they have come to mingle with us superior lifeforms, though they're poor attempts at learning the Human language (Esperanto!) has left them completely isolated from us superior lifeforms and our superior culture. If you have a soul (hence, you are not: Oprah, Wayne, a Dolphin, a Heartless, a boat, a plane, Greg, or Jane) then you will learn the inferior language of chickens so you, too, can communicate with these inferior lifeforms, and make their inferior hearts feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Lesson One: Cast Aside Your Presumptions
Do just as the title says, stupid. Cast aside your presumptions about grammar, spelling, your little syntax formatting and sentence structure; throw all that out the window. Chickens do not use grammar. Is it because they're barbarians, or i's it becuzz theyir stuppid and cantt speell? That's right, it's both. They're inferior lifeforms!
Lesson Two: Common Phrases
In Chicken, there is one common phrase: Cluck cluck gargle gargle churp-cluck. This phrase can mean many different things, from "Thank you", "Sorry", "Come again", "I love you", "I hate you", "How are you?", "How's your mum?", "She's doing just splendid", "She's doing terribly", "That's too bad", "Let's change the subject", and even "Did you get the 'stuff'?" In fact, this phrase has over 250,090,690,300 meanings. By using it in the proper context, it could be a great way to get your point across (of course, you don't have to prove anything to chickens; you're a superior lifeform!). However, for a novice, it might be advisable to use it sparingly, like butter and kittens, to prevent what you meant as "I'm sorry" to be taken as "Yo' mamma so fat, she got baptised at Sea World", or "Yo' mamma so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks." (oh, burn!) You see, if there is anything chickens hate more than people dissing their mommas, it's Killer Whales and low-calorie multi-grain wheat snacks. Say it, and it'll earn you a talon upside your head. Or worse, a rabies-infected beak. If you actually believed that rabies part, you obviously are an inferior lifebeing.
Lesson Three: Other Phrases
For everything you can't say with Cluck cluck gargle gargle churp-cluck, there's the phrase Gargle cluck chirp-gargle, or the massively popular Churp churp gargle-cluck. Careful, though: it costs eight MP to use one of these phrases, and have you seen how much an Ether costs these days? For that much, I could get three Potions and a Weapon upgrade. If you're going to use one of these, you better make sure the other chicken you're speaking to isn't a level 50 Red Mage, or else it'll open a can of Firaga on yo ass!
Now, if you don't live in a fantasy land frought with wizards and fire-breathing dragons, you have nothing to fear. But again, we caution you: careful what you say, or you'll get a talon or rabies-infected beak upside your head.
Lesson Four:Your Fowl Name
Before you meet a new chicken, learn your Fowl Name, the inferior moniker chickens refer to superior humans as. To find your Fowl Name, follow these steps:
- Learn the way of the ninja.
- Take your first name and reverse it. If your first name is Bob, your reversed name is now Bob.
- Remove all consonants and replace them with ch. Bob would now be Choch.
- Remove all letters in your new name, and change it to Cluck-cluck.
- Learn the way of the samurai.
- Forge a massive army of samurai-ninja chickens to overthrow some random oppressive monarchy.
And that's your new Fowl Name. NOTE: Fowl Names are foul and inferior and are not to be used when speaking to another human. Void where prohibited. Restrictions apply.
Lesson Five: Introducing Yourself
Now that you know the name you are to use around chickens, it is high time you learn how to introduce your superior self to these inferior lifeforms. Here is a dialogue between two people (one person and one inferior chicken) meeting for the first time.
Human (humans always have the right to speak first): Churp churp gargle-cluck (Hello inferior lifeform, I am superior to you.)
Chicken: Gargle cluck chirp-gargle. (I of course knew this because I am a lowly chicken and you are a great and worthy human. Please grace my inferior ears by speaking your name to me)
Human: Cluck cluck gargle gargle churp-cluck Cluck-cluck. (My inferior Fowl Name is Cluck-cluck.)
Chicken: Cluck cluck gargle gargle Cluck-cluck churp-cluck-- (Mine, too, is Cluck-cluck, and I am notworthy of--)
Human (As a superior lifeform, feel free to interrupt the lowly chicken): Gargle cluck chirp-gargle. (I did not want to know your inferior and obviously foul and stupid name, and now you shall be hanged for disrespecting your superior human overlords.)
Chicken (submitting to a superior lifeform): Gargle cluck chirp-gargle. (I most likely deserve it. Please make it quick, superior being)
Human: Churp churp gargle-cluck (No, I will make your execution slow and agonising because you are an inferior lifeform)
Chicken: Cluck (Okay...)
Lesson Six: The Finer Points
- When saying good-bye to a chicken, it is customary for superior lifeforms to strike the chicken roughly around the neck with a blunt object.
- Chickens say sorry by kicking dirt in each other's eyes. As a superior lifeform, you have the right to kill them.
- Don't take shit from chickens.
- Remember, it is perfectly legal to decapitate chickens with a rusty hedge-clipper in over 43 states. In fact, here is a list of things it is legal to kill a chicken with:
- Piano wire
- blades of steel
- blades of fire
- poison bile
- porcelain tile
- rusty can
- hungry hawk
- barbed whips,
- flail, and
- ferocious tiger
- steel cane and
- "Special soup"
- bronze knuckles
- pile of poop
- knife to heart
- stab to back
- poison dart
- potato sack
- flick of the wrist
- hard broomstick
- your own fist
- rabies tick
- claws of death
- jaws of life
- My Aunt Beth
- Laser-Powered Radioactive Sword Which Fires Laser Swords That Shoot Guns Which Themselves Shoot Laser-Powered Radioactive Swords
- Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it
- Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams
So now you know how to
kill speak to chickens. if you are unhappy with your results, simply send back this instructional language guide free of charge and we'll return your money back, 100%, completely (except shipping and handling fees).
kill converse with a chicken! Cluck-cluck, asshole.