HowTo:Skewer a Whale

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Whether you're sitting in a cubicle looking at an assload of paperwork, sitting at home all by your lonesome with the windowblinds closed watching the new porno you just downloaded, or sitting in your school cafeteria and fighting over the last piece of plastic-fried chicken with your "friends," you might suddenly get an urge to do something extremely manly and tasty. And what is that sudden urge commanding you to do? Why, to Skewer a Fuckin' Whale of course!

(Note: If you are not doing or have never done any of the aforementioned activities, you should not be reading this article. Also, and more importantly, if you are a woman or a member of the female sex, you should not be reading this article.)

(Another Note: This article is in fact about SKEWERING whales, not SCREWING. If you're looking for the latter, please go to Uncyclopedia's HowTo: Screw a Whale)

Brucelee
Skewering whale will make you almost this manly.

edit Why Would I Want to Skewer a Fuckin' Whale?

Such a silly question. Are you a girly man? Did you not read the title of this article or something? You're about to learn how to FUCKIN' SHOVE A REALLY POINTY OBJECT INTO THE FLESH OF A REALLY BIG THING AND LET IT BLEED AND MOAN AND THE YOU'RE GONNA FUCKIN' WRESTLE THE DAMN THING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA STIR FRY IT LIKE SALAMI AND THEEEENN YOU GET TO FUCKIN' EAT IT!!! Seriously, if you can think of something that is MORE manly than that you're just.... no it's absolutely impossible. You don't get more manly than that. Not fuckin' possible.

edit Step 1: Get What You Need

Tip

You probably want to learn the anatomy of a whale if you're going to go kill one with a stick. Nothing too fancy, just the basics like where it holds all its juices and where the holes are. Know these like you know your Pokemon. If you don't know your Pokemon, you don't need to be skewering whales because you either live under a rock or you are getting laid.

Try to remember that in order to skewer a whale you'll need to meet some basic fundamental requirements such as:

  • an ocean
  • a whale in the ocean
  • a way to get to the ocean
  • a boat to sail on the ocean
  • something to skewer the whale with
  • a way to buy or make that skewering object
  • probably a good sum of money
  • lots of booze
  • a can of whoop-ass

Those are just the BASIC neccesities, you should probably be a little more prepared than that. But assuming your not, because you're a REAL man and the REAL man takes things as they come and the REAL man don't give a shit, we'll take you through things step by step.

(Note: If you are a woman, you should not be reading this article.)

edit Getting Lots of Booze

If you don't immediately have access to booze or if you don't know an immediate location to get lots of booze or if you're not already drinking booze, you are not manly and you probably have a vagina. 9 times out of 10 you will have a vagina and therefore this article is not for you.

(Note: If you are a woman, you should not be reading this article.)

edit Getting a Can of Whoop-Ass

Go to your local Wal-Mart. Make sure you get the anti-whale brand for $12.99. Duh.

edit Picking a Skewering Device

Badass
What better way to skewer a whale?

If you're going to fuckin' kill a sixty-ton monstrosity looming in the sea, you'll probably want a potentially lethal weapon to help you on your quest. Probably. Also, you don't want just ANY skewering device, do you? Noooo, you want a super-extra-MANLY skewering device, something that would make chicks faint into your arms when you throw/shoot the fuckin' thing. On the contrary, you don't want something that will have your "friends" laughing their asses off when you attempt to spit/squirt your weapon. With that in mind, here's a list of things that make skewering whale good and things that make skewering whale not so good.

Things That Make Skewering Whale Good:

Things That Make Skewering Whale Not So Good:

edit Obtaining Said Skewering Device

As mentioned above, participating in a whale-skewering activity probably requires a large sum of money. Of course, a REAL man would have no trouble getting fuckin' loaded on dough, but assuming you're NOT a REAL man and need to skewer a whale to become one, here's a couple of good options:

  • Go to the bank, take out a portion of the savings you've acquired through your honest job (assuming you have a job. If not, there's always Uncyclopedia's HowTo:Get A Job)
  • Borrow some money from that rich-ass neighbor of yours across the street
  • Steal some money from that rich-ass neighbor of yours across the street
  • Prostitution (make sure you're getting paid, not laid)
  • Make it yourself
  • fail at making it yourself, and then steal some money from that rich-ass neighbor of yours across the street
  • use the money you were saving for the porn subscriptions

Once you have mastery over the preperatory steps needed to skewer some fuckin' whale, move on to Step 2.

edit Step 2: Get To The Ocean

Ok, now that you have your good-skewerer-of-preference, you need to get to a really large body of water so whales actually exist around you. First off you'll need to choose an ocean to go skewering in. Lucky, there's not that many to choose from, you've got either Atlantic or Pacific so pick one like a man would.

edit If You Picked Pacific

Most MANLY people would pick the Pacific Ocean, since it's bigger and bigger ocean = bigger whales. And since everybody knows the only way to get to the Pacific Ocean is through San Francisco, you'll need to find a way to get to San Francisco, which we will discuss in a later section. If you already live in San Fransisco, you are a pansy and therefore not a REAL man and therefore whale skewering will not save your gay little ass. Sorry.

edit If You Picked Atlantic

Then you just picked the smaller of the two sandwiches and therefore you are a pansy and therefore not a REAL man and therefore whale skewering will not save your gay little ass. Sorry.

(Note: If you are a woman, you should not be reading this article.)

edit Getting To San Francisco

If you stole that money from that rich-ass neighbor across the street, you can just buy a plane ticket and travel in luxury. Or not luxury, depending on who you sit next to on the airplane (see fatass).

Tip

If the location you live in does not have a bus station with hobos, you may need to consult the Martian addition of HowTo: Skewer a Whale.

edit But Since You Don't Have a Handsome Load of Cash...

Right, so flying to San Francisco is out of the question. Plus, they probably won't let you on a plane carrying a giant harpoon. Probably. Luckily, there is a universal way to get to San Francisco from any where in the world. All you have to do is follow these easy steps:

1. Find your nearest public bus station.

2. Make sure that bus station has at least 1 (one) hobo (homeless person) laying around on cardboard. If your station does not have a hobo, you must find another one that does.

3. Once you find your bus station, simply get on the next bus that arrives.

4. Sit in the very back of the bus, and take a nap

5. Wake up in San Francisco!

(Note: yes, this does work from anywhere in the world. ANYWHERE.)

edit Ok, Almoooooost Theeeeeeeeere

If you're truly in San Francisco, you can probably see the coast from where you're standing. If not, just ask anyone on the street where the ocean is. Since you're in San Francisco, you might want to ask "where is the O-CHIN," not "ocean." Once you've gotten proper directions or learned how to use your eyes (thus arriving at ocean) you are ready for the next step.

edit Step 3: Get a Boat

It is high-school biology class knowledge that in order to be on the ocean, you must be on a boat, or else you are either drowning or freezing your fuckin' balls off. If you didn't know that, well, now you know. "So how do I get a boat?" the man inside you asks. Luckily we have a neat little list for you.

Ways to Get a Boat

  • Find someone who owns a boat and buy/borrow it from them
  • Find someone who owns a boat and beat the shit out of him, then steal the boat
  • build a boat
  • fail at building a boat, and then find someone who owns a boat and beat the shit out of him, then steal the boat
  • join a boat full of other testicled men who are on a journey to skewer a whale too (not to be confused with a boat full of testicles)

(Note: If you are a woman, you should not be reading this article.)

edit Step 4: Sail the O-CHIN (or ocean)

Grimace
Fig. 1 Notice the purpleness and the turdness of the whale.

This step requires that you know how to sail a boat and pretty much know what you're doing. If you don't, you should have thought of that with your stupid ass before you decided it would be fun to go skewer a whale, shouldn't you? Hmmm???? Fuckin' dumbass... I mean, what kind of shitty idea is that anyway? SKEWER A WHALE??? Are you fuckin' INSANE?!!!??!11!?!! PETA is gonna rape your ass for this shit and you know it. Maybe you're just asking for it. In that case, move on to Step 5.

edit Step 5: Spot a Whale

Now, the sport truly begins! Many men have sailed for long hours (even days) on trying to unsuccessfully find a whale. The ocean is pretty big (yes, it is bigger than your mom, suprisingly) and so finding something in it won't be easier than finding your credit card in that closet of yours. However, there is one important factor every manly man must always keep in mind when attempting to find a whale: whales are pretty big, too!

Spam Whale
Fig. 2 This type of whale is much rarer and usually smells a bit more like fish.

edit What a Whale Looks Like

Seriously, shouldn't this be at the beginning of the article or something? I mean, why the hell would you have gone this far if you didn't even know what a fuckin' whale LOOKS like?

But for spotting a whale's sake, we'll describe to you in-depth the outter appearance of the whale:

  • a big purple turd (see Fig. 1)
  • sometimes a whale will look something like that thing in Fig. 2. But only sometimes.

Once you spot that whale, make sure you follow it closely and don't lose it (you can ram it with your boat a couple of times, that usually gets them thoroughly pissed off and ready for skewering). It shouldn't be that hard. After all, you're just following a big purple turd around in the ocean.

edit Step 6: HarPWN That FUCKIN' WHALE!!!

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
that if you don't tell the whale to "respect your authorataaar" first, it probably won't "respect your authorataaar"?
Whalezf3
Fig. 3 Whooping ass. Whale-skewering-style.
Owned1
A master at work.

Finally, it is time to show the world the man inside of you. Prepare your skewering weapon (remember to tie it to your boat with a rope so you can reel in the whale after you Fucking Kill™ it), and follow the easy steps below. Heads up solider, your victory is but a skewer away!

1. Drink booze.

2. Drink some more booze.

3. Drink all the booze you brought with you.

4. Pass out.

5. Wake up. Whale still there? Ok, let's get down to buisness.

6. Open can of whoop-ass.

7. If you are important, (or if you think you are) be sure to tell the whale to "respect your authorataaar."

8. Proceed to whoop some ass (See Fig 3.).

9. Once the whale is sufficiently harPWNed, tighten the rope so it can't escape and so it make dead.

edit If Your Boat Flipped Over and You are Drowning

Then you are officially the biggest mutherfuckin' dumbshit ever for following the instructions from a HowTo article on fuckin' Uncyclopedia. Congratulations, fuckface.

edit Otherwise...

Sweet Victory!!!! Now time for Step 7.

edit Step 7: Reel That SUCKA IN!!!

Use all the manliness you have mustered in you and pull that bitch onto your boat. If you can't get that dead whale on your boat, then how the hell did you Fucking Kill™ it?

edit Step 8: Deep Fry That SUCKA

Chicken Burger
Fig 4. A medium-rare whale sushi. Well done.

This is the best part. By far. The best part of killing anything is eating it afterwards. Not kidding. Just ask Dick.

Anyways, you probably don't want to eat the whale raw, 'cause it might give you barnacles on your balls. Or some weird aquatic STD. So now you gotta cook it. But before you can cook a whale you need to start a fire. Luckily for you, we can help you with that.

Ways To Start a Fire

Now all you gotta do is put the whale on top of the fire so it doesn't taste like some road kill hobo.

Ways To Cook a Whale

Continue cooking until your whale looks something like Fig. 4.

Finally, enjoy your manly rewards, go home, and show off to your "friends" just how goddamn manly you are. Of course, if you actually followed the directions and ate the whale, you're gonna have a hell of a time trying to convince them you actually skewered a whale without accidently killing yourself.

(Note: If you are a woman and you've read all the way to the end of the article, stop kidding yourself. You're not a woman. You are a hairy man with low-hanging testicles. You fuckin' dyke.)

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