HowTo:Sit in a Chair
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There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer. --Matt Groening (b. 1954)
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Decide very carefully which chair you are going to sit on."Chairs to the left of me, chairs to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you". When going to your table, pull out your chair. Pull it out slowly, but not too slowly. The goal is to complete this maneuver before the party begins. Sit down, again little by little, but not too slowly. You don't want too much to happen between the time you begin your descent and the time you achieve your target position. You don't want to miss any riparian entertainments being offered by the lady of the house.
If you have the opportunity to be seated out-of-doors, choose your location with great care. There may be a stupendous view just a few steps away. Don't miss it. If mountains are near, use a feng-shui consultant and a compass so that you will achieve the perfect angle of repose.
Sit in the middle of the chair seat at first. If you are a magnificently accomplished chair sitter, you could try perching on the side, but only after quite a bit of rigorous practice. This might be useful if someone near you has not yet finished their dessert and you are still a bit hungry. You will probably want two helpings. Do not forget to bend at both the waist and the knees when you sit; one or the other is not appropriate and will either make you look silly or cripple you.
If you are a cat, you will need to use a different body position. Sadly, modern-day technology has not advanced to the point where we know the perfect position for feline seating, so make your best guess. Run with it. You need to a take a chance in life to get a little comfort.
- You shouldn't even attempt this procedure at informal parties. Under no circumstances should you attempt to sit on a chair which is covered with snow. This could be incredibly dangerous and could, in case of a sudden rise in temperature, well.......