HowTo:Sexually Stimulate an Ant
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Being an ant keeper is tough: nobody knows what your job is, and the market for "ant honey" is less than lackluster, not to mention the creepy looks you get at the pet store. The main objective of an ant keeper is to find ways to keep your colony going and growing. There is nothing more rewarding than watching your little friends "get it on" (as the kids say) as though you were some kind of giant, self-aware being that controls their existence.
Morality of Ant Sex
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As a Christian, I feel like I should warn you: before your ants have sex, make sure that they're married. It reduces the dignity of these 6-legged-dirt-eaters if they could just have sex whenever they want. Make sure that you have a ceremony with a registered minister for each pair you plan to mate. Trust me: you don't want to send all your ants to burn in a lake of fire simply because they couldn't wait.
Also, don't be surprised if you go to jail for what society deems "gross", "horrible", and "Satanic": it's all part of being an ant keeper... and an ant "watcher".
Ants have been having sex without humans for dozens of years (don't ask me how long they've been having sex WITH humans). However, this doesn't mean that they don't need a little jumpstart every once in a while by their larger, smarter cousins. In fact, ants appreciate it, or so I am told. Now remember, the females are the workers and the soldiers, and the males are the ones that fly around and breed every once in a while. In fact, ants might even be the sexiest and most unChristian of genders: hermaphrodites. They probably change sex at will or something immoral like that. As far as the following in-depth review of ant sex goes, forget everything you learned in Ant Sexual Relations class...
Ant sex is a beautiful thing: First, the female chooses a male she finds attractive. Second, the male inserts his proboscis CENSORED!! OH DEAR LORD, CENSORED!! the fluid is completely green. After that, it's just a matter of the female opening her AAAHHH I HATE YOU, YOU DAMN ARTICLE!!! where it should only take 30 seconds before the VOTE FOR DELETION OF THIS ARTICLE! GO TO VFD!! which causes a significant increase in AAAAHHHH MY EEEYYEEESSS!!! ant guts and brains everywhere, if you're lucky. Most Ant Sex manuals won't tell you the full story, so consider yourself lucky.
Sex with humans, on the other hand, is slightly less complicated, and therefore less beautiful. Humans have emotions and minds. Their autonomy disgusts me! They walk around on their two legs, thinking they own the damn place! If you really want to sexually explore the animal kingdom, start with the ant. It takes some getting used to, but it can be a wonderful thing, provide that it doesn't crawl INSERT MENTAL IMAGE HERE the fluid is completely green.
Understand the Ant
Imagine making love to an ant: kissing those beautiful jagged ant mandibles, caressing the ant's prickly thorax, having the ant's lithe antennae tickle your cheeks as you embrace. This exercise, of imagining being kissed by a giant ant, is important for the average ant keeper. It's important to be as close to your colony as possible, both physically and emotionally.
Get in good graces by the queen by gathering food for her. This will make her more approachable, and, if you're lucky, a little frisky. Again, try to be gentle. Imagine that she's a delicate flower with six legs and beady little eyes. That should make loving her easier to handle. Be her body guard down in the tunnels. Pick her up when she's down. Turn the eggs over every thirty minutes. Little things make all the difference.
Get Them Excited
Nothing gets ants excited like running for their lives. Can't you see it now?
- "That big giant pink sky god tried to fry us with a magnifying glass again!" The female ant says, taking off her coat as she comes in the door.
- "Oh baby, that sounds rough!" The male says, landing in the nest.
- The female, out of breath and panting, looks the male up and down... studying his handsome mandibles... and suddenly gets the "urge" to "merge."
- "Oh Albert! You're so strong, and your proboscis is so WAAAHHH! MOMMAA!! the fluid is completely green!"
Ants are nature's nudists, so lingerie and all that stuff is a tantalizing option for the little arachnids. You may be wondering at this point: "Why do I have to 'excite' ants? Aren't they going to do it naturally?" Well, they won't do it naturally if there's no mystery involved! If, every day, you can see millions of little private parts buzzing around! Ants are cute from far away, but up close... bleh! If humans looked like ants, we would want to wear clothes, too!
Please be careful when putting lingerie on the females or construction helmets on the males. Ants are very delicate.
- "Hey honey, I'm ho- well WELL, what's THIS?" the male says after a day of breeding.
- "The giant pink sky god put skimpy little underwear onto me!" the female says, stroking the side of the skimpy little garment. "Where'd you get that sexy little construction helmet?"
- "...Oh baby, I so want to NO! OH GOD, CENSORED! AAAHHHH! all across this room!" the male says, grabbing her sensually.
- "That actually sounds kinda gross, Albert."
- "It's not MY fault that ants are weird little animals!"
Sensitive Male Ants -> Sexxorz
Ant females, like human females, are more receptive to sex after the male does some household chores for them, or after a good long talking session. You have to teach the male ants to be sensitive to the female's needs. This is difficult, but perhaps you could read to your male ants from sensitive female books.
- "How are you doing, sweetheart?" the male asks, his antennae twitching.
- "How... how am I doing?" The female responds, surprised.
- "Yes, I am asking you how you are."
- "Oh, well, today was so crazy. First, the giant pink sky god tried to kill me with a giant magnifying glass THEN Earl from eggsac told me that--"
- "Look, are we gonna get down to business? My proboscis MOMMA! DADDA! PLEASE I'M SORRY!! the fluid is completely blue!"
Before humans, ants had no atmosphere in which to conduct their ant-ly business. With humans thrown in the mix, ant mating has never been more INTENTIONAL CENSORING!!!! LOOK AWAY the fluid is completely green. Before two ants get it on, make sure the lighting is just right. Put on some of that Barry Manilow the kids are always talking about. Have some scented candles lying around. Make sure your ant bed is nice and soft for the occasion: velvet works great for this. Afterwards, make sure you get rid of that filthy ant bed. Ants can be crazy kinky. They're inta' that.
- "The great pink sky god sure has horrible taste in music," the female says, after a day of digging tunnels and whatever it is that ants do.
- "No no no, just let the obnoxious sounds of Mr. Manilow take you to a place you've never imagined," the male says after a day of buzzing around and bothering people.
- "...A place I've never even imagined?" the female asks inquisitively.
- "A place where I can HEY, CHILDREN READ THIS SHIT, OKAY?? the fluid is completely green all night loooong!"
- "Oh Albert, you make ants having sex sound so romantic!"
If everything else fails, try Viagra. Be sure to squeeze the pill as far into the ant as you can without the ant actually popping. Ant erections lasting more than 3 days are exactly what you want.
- "Albert, what is wrong with your INSERT MENTAL IMAGE HERE?" the female says, eyeing the male's I'M SORRY MOMMA!!!!. "Your proboscis has been hugely engorged with love mucus for 3 days! Doesn't it hurt?"
- "I have no idea what's going on down/up there. The giant pink sky god is playing a sexy trick on us!"
- "I bet it wants us to mate," the female said thoughtfully.
- "...My thoughts exactly!"