HowTo:Rescue A Princess

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“If you are saving a Princess, don't select Mario at Character Select. You will end up saving her, then having to do it again and again in an endless cycle.”
~ Bettsy on How to save a Princess
Princesses are always being kidnapped, and when this happens, they need a hero to save them. That's where you come in. Now, you're probably asking yourself, "Why on earth would I want to rescue a princess?" Well, rescuing a kidnapped princess is very rewarding. As everyone knows, princesses are bound by law to marry anyone who rescues them when they are in danger. This means that:
Peachprison
A typical princess awaiting rescue.

a) You score with a hottie (as most princesses are), and

b) You get to inherit her father's kingdom (it's good to be king)

Unfortunately, princesses are very high-maintenance spouses. they are still very likely to be kidnapped again, which means that you will have to rescue her again. And again. And again...

edit What you will need

  • A sword or other kind of weapon. You will need one to fight the monsters who will try to stop you. Weapons are fairly easy to find. The old man who lives in a cave should have one. Just visit him and he'll hand it over. After all, It's dangerous to go alone! If you cannot find the old man, there should be some weapons on sale at the village shop.
  • A shield and some armor. You should make sure that you are properly protected before beginning your quest.
  • A map. This will make it easier to find the princess.
  • A ladder
  • Sleeping spell antidote
  • A Torch. It's going to get dark and damp at some point.
  • Some companions. This is optional, they make your journey much easier but also make everything complicated. For example, who would marry to the princess? (While it's possible to do a threesome, you still can't have two kings.)
  • While a horse or car sound like good choice, most of time it is useless. This is because you must going through some rough terrain (see Plot a course on your map section below) that horse will be nothing but a burden.

edit Finding a princess to rescue

edit Ask around

Princess Fiona
You should always make sure that the princess you plan to rescue is human, or whatever species you happen to be.

First, find a village and start asking around. News travels quickly, and if the local royal heiress is in danger, the villagers will know. In fact, they always seem to know exactly who has taken her and where she is being kept.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure you gather enough information about the princess. It isn't good to find a princess that is only 10 years old, unless you have a taste for pedophilia.

edit Plot a course on your map

You will notice that there is no direct route to where the princess is being held captive. There never is. You most likely will have to go through haunted swamps, volcanic mountains, underground dungeons, etc. Once you have a course marked on your map, you're ready to go to the next part of the process:


edit The journey

Following the route that you outlined on your map, make your way to the location where the princess is being held captive. This is the most dangerous part of the process (unless you are forced to use the "hair climbing technique", in which case that' is the most dangerous part).

edit Hazards to look out for

Falling rocks: You can try to block these with your shield, but it won't help much.

Volcanic lava: Very hot. Do not touch.

Pits with Spikes: Pits with spikes in them. 'Nuff said.

Collapsing bridges; These will break as you walk across them. Run. Quickly.

Fireballs: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

Darkness: The darker it is, the more likely it is that you will be eaten by a grue.

edit Creatures that will try to stop you

Trolls
AYBZelda
Sometimes, wise old men have good advice. Sometimes, they don't.

Goblins

Ninjas

Clinjas

Zombies

Vampires

Giant Spiders

Werewolves

Whatwolves

Whywolves

Whenwolves

Black Knights

Blue Knights

Red Knights
Tip

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

Orange Knights

Grues

The Knights who say Ni

Sexy waitress in the tavern (not really trying to stop you, yet still very effective)

Your crazy as hell Ex-Girrlfriend

edit The tower

Now that you have survived your perilous journey, only one step remains: Freeing the princess from the tower! Of course, the tower will most likely be guarded by a dragon (No, not the friendly magic kind; More like the big, mean man-eating kind that burninates things.), which you will have to kill.
Tip

It is possible to sneak past a dragon by wearing a magic ring, but the ring is usually more trouble than it is worth. See One Ring for details

Unfortunately, slaying a dragon can be quite complicated, and we will not be able to discuss this in detail. You'll just have to figure it out on your own. Good luck, you're going to need it.

Now that you have slain the dragon, simply enter the tower. If you don't have the key, kill some monsters until one of them drops it. Look for the one monster that's stronger than most of the others nearby, he probably has it.

edit The sleeping spell

Upon entering the tower, you might find the princess sound asleep. If you can't seem to wake her up, she has probably been placed under a sleeping spell (Or she might be dead, so checking for a pulse might be a good idea).
Tip

You might be tempted to have your way with the princess before you break the spell. Go for it.

These can usually be reversed with a kiss, but if that doesn't work, you need an antidote. If you don't have one then you'll need to find one. By the time you return with the antidote, there will be another dragon to kill. If you can't find the key, or if the tower has no door at all, then you'll have to climb to the top of the tower and climb in through the only window. A ladder would be useful. If you do not have one, you should find one. If there is no ladder nearby, then you have no choice but to attempt...

edit The hair climbing rechnique

WARNING! This method is very time consuming and extremely dangerous! It should only be attempted as a last resort! Also note that if the princess is under a sleeping spell, you will be unable to perform this method of rescue.

The hair climbing technique involves the princess growing her hair ridiculously long so that you can climb it and reach the window. Unless the princess you are rescuing likes to have her hair ridiculously long, you will probably have to wait for it to grow to the desired length. This could take a few years at least. Once her hair is long enough to reach the ground, You can begin climbing. If you're lucky, you might get halfway there before you rip the princess's scalp clean out and fall on your ass. Then it's another painfully long wait while her hair grows back so that you can try again (If you haven't given up, that is.) Again, this method should only be attempted if all other options have failed, and if you're really desperate.

edit Other curses

While the sleeping spell is the most common, there are other curses used to confine a princess as well. Fortunately most of them can be dispelled by defeating a remaining enemy, usually the mastermind who controls the dragon. There are a few notable curses though.

  1. If the princess turned into a monster - BAD news, as monster princesses are often more powerful than the dragon.
  2. If the princess is pregnant - Just quit this quest, you're screwed no matter whether she lays eggs or human child. Even if all you want is cash, the king may just execute you to cover this shameful event. If you act like nothing happened and become the king, the child will have revenge for his scaly father once he is strong enough (and you will be too old to swing your trusty sword by that time).
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Congratulations! You have saved your first princess! (There is the possibility that the princess was replaced by a talking mushroom who keeps telling you that the princess is in another castle.) Of course, as mentioned before, she will probably be kidnapped again. But hey, you know what to do next time, right?

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