HowTo:Refer to Yourself in the First Person

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“I AM BETTER THAN MYSELF!”
~ User:Benson on BENSON

Coworkers

"Watkins, if I keep referring to myself in the first person, I'm going to kick my own ass, just as sure as I'm pointing at the hole in my head right at this very moment."

The tendency to refer to oneself in the first person is unanimously agreed by psychologists to be a symptom of antiegocentrism. In order to learn how to effectively refer to oneself in the first person, it is often desirable to understand the antiegocentrist mentality, and to develop an ability to "role-play" as an actual antiegocentrist. Needless to say, there is no comedic potential whatsoever in having this ability, but there is a chance that you may inadvertently get into a threesome with some hot Swedish babes without actually even realizing it.

edit About Antiegocentrism

Internet users who fail to learn the location of the (Shift) and (Caps-Lock) keys on their keyboards may become antiegocentrist throughout their lives. They may find other ways to emphasize their written statements, using italics and boldface for example, but their inability to write in ALL CAPS inevitably causes them to become detached, unemotional, and even rational, and to react with tacit acceptance or even amusement when others receive unwarranted amounts of personal attention merely because of the perceived vehemence of their self-promotional activities.

Paradoxically, the tendency of antiegocentrists to refer to themselves in the first person stems from precisely this sense of detachment. When asked to explain their often polite and considerate actions, antiegocentrists may or may not take full responsibility for them, but they rarely, if ever, blame others - often going so far as to not take credit for things they actually deserve credit for. Once humility is shown, however, immediate psychological treatment is called for. In advanced cases, an antiegocentrist may even go so far as to calmly explain the reasons for his actions, using an antiquated form of logical discourse known as "conversation" or "discussion." Some extreme antiegocentrists have allegedly even attempted to get things they want by "asking" for them, rather than by making loud, boisterous, and unreasonable demands in public.

According to Dr. Sigmundheimer F. Rhoid, author of Antiegocentrism: Conflict and Caps-Lock in Multi-User Communities, "antiegocentrism is completely useless to anyone who actually wants something, or anything, really. This is the 21st Century, and the people who have figured this out are CLEARLY BETTER THAN YOU. GIVE UP NOW."

edit Failing To Get It Done

Moogawooga

"If I had a name, I wouldn't tell you what it is!"

In order to refer to yourself in the first person, you must use the personal pronouns "I," "me," and "myself," as well as the possessive forms "my" and "mine." While the idea of doing this may seem inconceivable to most people, for an antiegocentrist the practice almost comes naturally. For example:

  • Third person: "THIS USER IS BETTER THAN YOU. GIVE UP NOW."
  • Second person: "You are not as good as THAT USER. THAT USER INSISTS THAT YOU GIVE UP."
  • First person: "I've always felt that promoting myself would be contrary to my interests, because what's good for me isn't always good for those who are clearly better than me, and almost never good for anyone else, not that anyone would ever fit the latter category."

...and so on. Note, however, that this particular writer has failed miserably: By pointing out the flaw in his own logic, he has shown that the non-antiegocentrist is, indeed, better than him, and has therefore PWNED himself.

edit The Autocratic Perspective

When attempting to become the autocratic personalist dictator of Uncyclopedia, it is often desirable to impose the first-person perspective on one's enemies, rivals, and above all, critics. This typically involves making false statements as if the enemy/rival/critic had made them. For example, a person wishing to marginalize a perceived antagonist might quote that person as saying, "I am gay," when in fact the person is actually heterosexual. The person might also be quoted as saying "I am not better than you," in reference to the would-be autocrat himself — a diabolically clever means of deceiving others into believing that the person has admitted his own clear inferiority.

It is also important that those imposing the first-person perspective on others not engage in "research," another antiquated concept long-since outlawed by most world governments. Research was known to reduce the effectiveness of excessive self-promotion by as much as 97 percent in some cases. In the case of written communication, it has been conclusively proven that the best means of producing quality work is to simply copy one's previous work into a text editor and replace any substantive concepts from the original version with the concepts one wishes to express in the derivative work.

edit Other Problems

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Extreme antiegocentrists may find themselves developing a deep sense of inner calm and personal fulfillment, which in modern society is usually expressed as "misery," and must be avoided at all costs.

Super-extreme antiegocentrists often become French people, though no one has ever actually seen this occur first-hand.

edit See Also

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