HowTo:Read a Wikipedia Article With ADHD
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This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.
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Ughh.... Introductory Paragraph. Oh shit... I have to write that paper about something, and it's due tomorrow.... Dammit, what was I supposed to write about again? I was staring at Lindsay Anderson's cans all class... Heheh. She's a girl... That reminds me... I should totally ask her out. I bet if I act just like Napoleon Dynamite, she'll like me and then I get to make out with her. Totally. Oh yeah, Napoleon Dynamite was a good movie... I watched it on DVD at Chet's.... Why do they call them DVDs, anyway? I bet it stands for Disc Video Disc or something like that. But that would be stupid, cuz there's no reason why "Disc" would be in there twice.... Let's see... what else starts with D.... Dinosaur... Dick... heheh.... Dog.... Oh shit. That's right... I have to feed Sparky later... He's probably hungry after that walk at the park. Oh yeah, there was that awesome old guy who wore a funny hat at the park. I bet he used to work in some hat store, or something... Or he's just crazy. Ohmigod, I should get a pimp hat. All the ladies would like me, then. I could totally just start walking all pimp-like and go up to girls and say "Hey. Where's my money, bitch? Where's my money!!?! I'm gonna shank you, you ho, if you don't gimme the money!" That would be sweeeet... I should get one right now. What the hell am I doing here, anyway? Oh yeah. The research paper. I guess I'll just look at some random history crap.. Ah, no reason to read this introduction. I don't care what the loser who wrote the article has to say...
Okay... Early History
Alrighty... time to buckle down. I gotta start reading about whatever the hell this article is about. I should probably check the title... No wait, that would waste a ton of time. I better keep reading and hope it helps... You know what would be awesome? Being able to use a time machine instead of having to look at this gay article... I could totally learn valuable lessons... It would be like that show, The Magic School Bus.. I watched that when I was little. I bet that teacher was actually a pedophile... Hey, whatever happened to that Mark Foley guy? Did they let him go or something? That would be scary, if he just was walking down the street some day and saw you and was like, "Hey, you! Wanna wash my car? I'll even give you the pants to do it... I made them myself. Oh, never mind why they smell funny". Urghh... Bad thoughts, bad thoughts... Focus on Lindsay again... Suhweeet.... That lady from that picture was pretty hot too.. I guess history is cool sometimes. Shouldn't I be reading the article or whatever, now? I guess I'd find out about Miss Hot Bikini Lady, but then again, thinking that people from articles on Wikipedia are hot is pretty lame. I don't wanna look like some dork like Billy from Algebra who wanks off to pictures of Benjamin Franklin's wife... Good God, I can't believe I just made that connection. Ugh. I should get some minty fresh Tic Tacs or something to clear my head of those nasty ideas... Wait... Why the hell would Tic Tacs help? It's not like your brain is in your mouth or anything. But damn, that would be awesome! You could like... think while you eat. Never mind, we can already do that. I'm not thinking straight... It's like 2 in the morning. I guess I should keep reading this gay article...
What The Hell? Even MORE History and It Isn't Even The End Yet?!??!
This is soooo lame! LAME! L-A-M-E!!! That's Emal, backwards. Woah... Emal would be a pretty cool name for a horse... Or a camel. Yeah, I could totally see being some awesome desert warrior dude with a camel named Emal... All the chicks would love me. Woah, deja vu... Didn't I just think almost the same thing when I was reading the last section? Oh yeah, it's puberty. I guess that happens a lot, but I just don't notice it. You know what else I don't notice? Canned meat. Last week, I had to go and get the groceries or whatever, and I could remember pretty much every section in the store, except for the canned meat section. When I thought about it on the way home, I couldn't think of even ONE brand name of canned meat, which is wierd, because advertisements ussually get stuck in your brain... Woah, do people who live in trailers have to buy canned meat if they can't afford the real stuff? Damn... That would suck. Living in a trailer would really suck, too. I bet I'd have some 16 year old wife with 4 kids and she'd have buck teeth... Wait, then again, if I banged a chick when she was 16, that would be kinda cool... Yeah, totally... Except it WOULD suck that she'd have kids... It would be really creepy if somebody had kids when they were like 4... Your kid would go to the same school as you. Dude... that would REALLY suck... How the hell could you be popular if your son was in school with you? And you'd still have to help him with his homework, and you'd have to do yours, too... Woah... Did I just call myself "Dude"? It's like I'm having an inner monolouge. Like that guy, J.D., from Scrubs. Scrubs is an awesome show... I should TiVo it or something so I can watch it when I don't have these stupid articles to read. Whatever... I should skip to the next section. Nothing here but Mr. Socially-Retarded Horse Riding Man...
Oh My God! You'd Expect For There To Be The Apocalypse or Whatever Just to End All This Retarded History.... Or At Least Kill The Guy Who Wrote The Article Before He Writes It..
I wish I lived on Uranus or whatever so there wouldn't be anybody around to start wars and shit that losers have to record.... Heheh.. I just missed a sweet comeback to myself. Ah well.. Better late then never. I wish I lived on Lindsay Anderson's anus! Hell yeah! Wait, would it start to suck if you spent so much time living like a little dwarf guy on some girl's ass? Naw... Unless... She farted or something. But girls can't fart, especially not if they're hot like Lindsay. Or do they? Maybe they bottle it up for days until they're home or something and then let it out... Woah, I don't want to think about that side of girls... Better to not know. It's wierd that there isn't a real curse word for fart... Pretty much every other body function or private part has one... Somebody has to make a curse word for it some day. Seriously. It would REALLY suck if there weren't any curse words... I guess eventually stuff like "gosh" and "heck" would become curses... South Park would really suck if that was the worst they could say... There wouldn't be much left to make it a good show, then... Not much left for rap, either. Why is it that public service announcements keep trying to be cool by making raps for themselves? They'd probably be more effective if they just had the guy say whatever the hell he had to say without making himself look like a douchebag. Commercials would suck more then usual if some guy just said "Don't smoke", and then the screen went blank. Then again, you'd save time and get to watch more shows... Woah, I've been watching way too much TV lately... Ahh screw it, you can never watch enough. I could totally be on TV if my parents were divorced and preppy and rich... That kid who plays Harry Potter is really rich... I bet I could beat him up, take all his money and then get Lindsay some big-ass ring or something... Oh yeah, that's why he has bodygaurds. I bet all those guys all hate the little bastard, though, too, so I could probably bribe them with the money I get from him... God, I have to write all these ideas down. I like have a foolproof plan to be set for life, now. Oh shit... I still have to write the damn paper... and read this gay-ass article. Kicking Harry Potter's ass and marrying Lindsay will have to wait.
YOU ASSHOLES!!! YOU JUST HAD TO WRITE EVEN MORE OF THIS SHIT, DIDN'T YOU!!!
Ugh... it's like 5 in the morning. I just want to sleep... How could people be so cruel to give me a one page research paper four months ago and expect me to have it done by now? I'm not Superman! And even if I was... It's not like I would actually DO the work... I'd have peoples' lives to save, so I wouldn't take some research paper assignment shit from any middle aged teacher that nobody ever loved, so she decided to spend her sad life torturing kids... Woah, what would happen if Lindsay lost all of her hawt-ness somehow and ended up looking like that? Duuudddeee... that would suck major donkey huevos. I would probably be like "BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!?". Then she'd cry. And I'd leave her shitty excuse for an apartment. Then I'd go to Burger King and get a 9 piece Chicken Fries meal with a Dr. Pepper for the drink. Those chicken fries are good... but the french fries taste like crap compared to them so I'd probably send them to starving kids in China or whatever. Hey, I wonder if you're some starving kid in China and you don't want to eat your peas or whatever, what can your mom say to make you eat them? The "there are starving kids in China who would want to eat your peas" shit doesn't work any more, so I guess she would just shut up and leave you to do whatever the hell you wanted. Man, it would be AWESOME to be a starving kid in China... Yeah... I should totally get a job as a professional shark bounty hunter. I'd get those awesome harpoon guns and everything... I could probably get that job on summer break. Easy. Oh wait, I can't if I have to go to summer school for failing this class... OH MY GOD I WANT TO BE A SHARK HUNTER, SO I CAN'T FAIL THIS CLASS!!! Shit, shit, shit!! I just have to finish reading this goddamn article and then I can write an awesome paper about whatever the hell I'm supposed to be researching and I'll still have time to spare... Yeah, I've got half an hour left. I can do that, easy.
Sweet! It's Finally The Last Section!
Alright. It's the last stretch. I'm the big dog. I can do this. Keep on trucking. Eye of the tiger. Alright... 3...2...1.... GO! "In 1952.....". Oh my God! This is soooo boring! I don't give a shit about what happened in 1952! 1952 and everyone who was alive then can just suck my dick! Sorry, grandma... Woah! Then again, I really don't want a bunch of old people doing that... I've got to keep reading this retarded article just to keep me from thinking about the nasty things those old people were going to do... Here I go... "In 1952, the population of Paraguay..." What the fuck!?! I thought the article was getting the idea that I was going to read it, if it was entertaining! Paraguay bites ass! There isn't ANYTHING I ever want to know about that ever happened in Paraguay... This article blows... Alright, I give up. I have an illness. A crippling disability. I have ADHD. It's not like I chose to have ADHD. I didn't play the lottery for it, or anything. If those sadist teachers think they can try to take advantage of me and put me through all this torture they like to call "learning", they can just go stick it up their asses. I'm not going to conform to the man's standards. I'm not anybody's bitch. Someone in my state of health should be teaching THEM about life and history and shit. Yeah, they should learn from me. I'm like that old Chinese guy in the Comcast commercials that tells the guy to stop using his sattelite dish. I'm pretty much Jesus! So, I think I'm just gonna print out this Wikipedia article, white out the web address, and turn it in. If they figure out it's fake, then too damn bad! Nobody would ever cause a poor child with the crippling disease of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder the emotional anguish of being failed. Pity is awesome. Woah... I just saw a bird fly onto that branch. Sweet. I should name him Randy... We would be best friends. Then I would die of liver failure after drinking too much vodka after my Indiana Jones-type escape from K-Mart, where I went to buy Lindsay a new kayak. Why the hell would she want a kayak? Well, if I could get her on one then she would have to be near water, and then she'd get all wet and would be uber hot with the clothes tight against her and if I tried really hard I might be able to glimpse some of her nipple glistening with water on her amazing body and then she would get pissed at me for "invading a women's privacy" and slap me hard but then she would decide I could keep looking anyway... Unless she brought an umbrella. That would really suck. You can't get wet on a kayak if you bring an umbrella. I should buy an umbrella. The guy on the weather forecast said that it was going to be partly cloudly today. An asswipe like that guy must know it's gonna rain today but won't tell me cuz he's such a douchebag. Well, joke's on you, buddy! I found out your conspiracy! Sweet, mom pulled out of the garage... She's honking the horn. HONK, HONK, HONK! That must mean... CARTRIP TIME!! HURRAY!! CARTRIP!!! Oh shit, it's just school. SCHOOL!! SCHOOL!! SCHOOL!!! I don't even know why I did that... HURRAY FOR NOT KNOWING REASONS FOR THINGS!!! Why am I still looking at this Wikipedia article? Ok... Now I stopped. Dammit. I'm still looking...Now! No. Ugh... Why can't I do this? Life is so hard! Ok, one more time... Ready... NOW! Ok, the hell with this. I'll just burn the article so I can stop looking at it. Or wait, that won't work... Ahh, screw it. I'll try again....NOW!!!!