HowTo:Quit wanking forever
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Not to be confused with Unrealistic expectations this article refers on how to quit wanking permanently.
Oh shit. Maybe you're just gotten a girlfriend, maybe you had a traumatic experience with your grandmother or maybe you're just doing it for the hell of it, but you've decided your gonna stop masturbating day in and day out like you have for the last thirty years of your life. By now you're probably realized you couldn't have picked a worse addiction, because try as you might you can't help but think of that hot chick you haven't got a chance with ever, and now we're all here. This is not a sleazy attempt to get pictures of hot girls and vivid description on how you stroke your penis everyday. This is serious business, as prolonged addiction can cause symptoms like insecurity, loss of social skills and the all feared "your parents catching you in the act".
Admitting you have a problem
As with any long winding problem, but it gambling, drinking or chronic masturbating the first step is always to admit you have a problem. Talk to your parents about your problem. Tell them about all the hours of porn movies you downloaded on their computer and all the girly magazines in the padlocked crate under your bed. They will love you more, trust me. Question why you do it, finding the cause is often half of the quitting process. A loveless relationship and child abuse are both common causes.
Now that we've admitted we have a serious problem, we can move on to the actual quitting. No gradual cutdowns, no occasional rewards, this is the real deal. You stop. Right now. Or else suffer your loved ones finding out and the extreme embarrassment attached to that.
The quitting process
The actual quiting process is a lot less straight forward. And to demonstrate this point, simply look at the picture on the left. You're already doing it aren't you? Great. In the unlikely event that you stop looking at that picture please do read on.
If you're finding it hard to come to terms with the idea of losing your precious wanking time, remember this:
|“||Every time you wank, god smites an innocent kitten.||”|
The guilt works for most people, now follow the instructions below and watch the results unfold right in front of your eyes! (or the lack of results, I make no guarantees for legal reasons.)
First of all, go to your C:// Drive and go to your super secret porn folder named "porn movies" and delete all of them, yes all of them means all of them. Next go to your bedroom and get out the padlocked crate of girly magazines and stage an illegal backyard fire or cover them in cheese and feed it to the dog. As you watch everything you love and know disappear in front of your eyes, you should feel an emptiness inside of you. This is great, it means you're ready for the next part of the process. Finding something to replace it with!
People find some sort of replacement for their addiction, like smoking, alcohol or illegal drugs. Let's go for something a little more out there, like... having a life! Addiction to life is proven to not only be good for you, but it actually increases life expectancy! Having a life is easy as well, simply make a friend and talk to them, see a movie, go watch the football or even simply go for a walk around the block.
If all else fails of course you are free to hit the booze by all means. It's either your liver or your prostate that becomes a lump of ashphault in twenty years time, way as well do it in a way that you can't remember it.
Making sure you don't re-offend
Sadly most prolific wankers will re-offend which means you're pretty much doomed to go back to your routine of watching porn movies and eating Dorritoes in your mothers basement in two to three weeks! Unless of course you have some fierce determination and the power of the Catholic church behind you. So some pointers have been included below for your convenience:
- Spend time with others (unless you enjoy the idea of a circlejerk)
- Get to know your mum (unless you're from Michigan)
- Do your maths homework
- Think of your happy place
And the list goes on, try and make it creative and make it work for you. It's your problem so think of your own damned solution, fucking lazy good for nothing.
- When did you realize you had a problem? I think I'd been uneasy about my obsessive wanking for a few months, but I'd never thought it was capable of the harm it was doing to me and the people around me until I was caught with my pants down on a neighbor's front porch, wanking all over the place, throwing caution entirely to the wind, in almost a hallucinatory state of sexual gratification. In my adrenaline-fueled frenzy I didn't hear their voices asking me what I was doing there. I didn't hear them yelling obscenities at me, and I only became somewhat aware of their presence when a small man with large muscles pulled me down to the ground and began pummeling me mercilessly with a frozen loin of pork. Despite the fact that I greatly enjoyed the entire experience and wound up ruining their driveway and my pants, I then realized that it was time for me to take a step back and really look at what I was doing as a problem. - 21:51, May 20, 2012 (UTC)
- Did it affect you badly at first? Itchy red burns and uneven arm muscles aside, looking back on it now I still see my wanking period as some of the greatest years of my life. During that time I was in a very stable romantic relationship with a woman who didn't know I was following her for a full two months, and even stopped to help me once when I was loading a new refrigerator into my house one day. I think her name was Karen or something. - 21:51, May 20, 2012 (UTC)
- When did you decide to do something about it? Alas, I eventually realized that my wanking was juvenile and unoriginal behavior and swore to change my life for the better. So, I left my penis alone and excellent things started to happen. Within in a year it had grown a full inch, and I was finding more creative and satisfying ways to pleasure myself, such as deep-throating long rubber dildos, jamming lit firecrackers inside of my anus, asphyxiating myself with guitar strings, and bathing in bread pudding. Now I'm a successful investment broker and I don't even have the urge to tie my clients into submission, hold their mouths open and beat off all over their tongues repeatedly. I've only had one sexual harassment accusation this week! - 04:01, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
- Do you think this guide helped you beat your problem? It made me horny, but everything does. Especially when I'm sitting on top of the blunt end of a beer bottle. - 04:01, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
- When did you realize you had a problem? When my girlfriend slipped in the puddles of cum that were emerging from under the bathroom door, hit her head on an end table, and died of a brain hemorrhage. The only thing that made it worse was when my wife found the corpse. -Chuck Norris, U.S. Accountant 21:51, May 20, 2012 (UTC)
- Did it affect you badly at first? Are you kidding? I didn't even know it happened. The bathroom door was closed! -Chuck Norris, U.S. Accountant 21:51, May 20, 2012 (UTC)
- When did you decide to do something about it? After my wife saw the corpse, she died of a heart attack. Or, at least, that's what the paramedics told me through the bathroom door. (I miss you Anastasia!) -Chuck Norris, U.S. Accountant 21:51, May 20, 2012 (UTC)
- Do you think this guide helped you beat your problem? Oh, absolutely. The copious pictures of nude models throughout this guide were a big help, as was that diagram of a lesbian dog-pile in section #2, and the schematic of the girl-only human centipede in the opening paragraph. And the mere act of writing this testimonial has really brought into focus my own mortality...because I now realize that I am very, very hungry. I will have to leave this bathroom to get some food, lest I starve to death. -Chuck Norris, U.S. Accountant 21:51, May 20, 2012 (UTC)