HowTo:Pull The End of the World Prank
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The end of the world prank is the worst kind of prank possible, yet the most satisfying. It is prank for any future civilizations, in case our civilization goes extinct.
- One sufficiently advanced civilization to observe cosmic bodies and precisely calculate their trajectories
- Sufficiently advanced civilization gone
- Another, not-so advanced civilization to experience the prank
It seems that very small percentage of population believes that any end of the world prophecy is possible. To teach them a lesson, we need real prophecy from time to time. So they could go laughing about it all day until we laugh the last. We have this right, because we would be extinct anyway.
First, with our oh-so capable instruments find a doomsday asteroid which is going to hit earth after we are gone. The bigger, the better. Maybe even planet with insane elliptical orbit. In technical terms, anything capable of fuck-o-blast.
Second, create prophecy material which would last enough time. Carve it into some stones, get funding for some pyramids with right amount of steps, do non-decimal calendar systems, surround it with insane and stupid myths suitable for feeble minds of next civilization.
Third, go extinct.
The best possible outcome
Next generation of mutants rise from your ashes, learn to speak and understand patterns, develop their culture and technology. One day some loonies find your predictions and try to warn and educate everyone about them. Predictions are good, so good part of population become loonies and spread this information around. At some point everyone knows about incoming doomsday, yet no one really believes it. Movies are made, books are written, kids are burned, so it becomes cultural phenomenon. When the day comes, everyone gathers to celebrate the Nonsense Day and dies.
“I told you so!”
The impossible outcome
Next generation of bipedal humanoids rise from your ashes, learn to speak and understand patterns, and find your stones, pyramids and myths. Their belief systems get formed around your stupid myths, which makes them miserable and apathetic. They know their doomsday day so well, that all their time living on earth for several thousands of years is spent waiting for The Day to come. Several minutes before it happens all civilization commit collective suicide, but asteroid just misses the earth.
How to ensure that prank is going to happen
Asteroids are hard to find. Good enough asteroids don't come flying to earth every day, so that complicates the matter. However, prank can be ensured several ways:
Instead of asteroid, launch atomic bomb into the orbit
This is our chance after we are gone, so why settle for some asteroid? Just launch our complete nuclear arsenal into the huge orbit for a joke.
Pimp it up
Since you don't know the exact time when next civilization is going to form, launch several thousand atomic bombs into orbits and create several thousand calendars.
“Oh come on, so many calendars, how can first one be bad?”
Have your trademark
For better effect, plant atomic bombs under moon's surface to explode few days before apocalypse into smiley face.
How it can all go wrong
Any prank has probability of going wrong. When the prank scale is whole civilization, wrong can be very wrong.
We don't go extinct
That would be just a bummer. Obviously, prank is impossible if that happens.
We don't go extinct and forget that it is our prank
“Don't press the "forget" button!”
Talk about stepping on the rake big time... At least we would only have ourselves to blame...
“I did it!”