Opening a door is not for the faint of heart. It is a task that takes a lifetime to grasp even the most basic principles. Only two living humans have actually been able to master the door opening scrolls of legend. It has been said that the scrolls are older than time itself. The first man to open a door was said to be a god incarnate. He taught the commoners the ways of the door by giving them the door opening scrolls he had created.
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Why would I want to learn how to open a door 'properly'?
You might think that opening a door is a simple task, but just turning the doorknob isn't even close to the right way to do it. Here's a list of five reasons you NEED to open a door properly:
- 1. If you've asked this question, you're clearly are a simpleton, you don't even want to better yourself by learning new ways to do things. In this case, you don't even want to do it properly.
- 2. Chicks love the door opening method.
- 3. Because it's awesome.
- 4. Because if you do this you're awesome by association.
- 5. Why not?
This concludes the reasons why you should learn how to properly open a door.
To begin you'll need a list of things:
- An ID
- Twelve metric tonnes of frankincense
- One gallon of goat blood (to drink when you're in the waiting room)
- At least two brain cells that aren't currently arguing with each other about who ate the last cookie – if you can't find that just use two brains.
- A hand that can grip the doorknob/handle with force
- A basic understanding of parabolas
- A hippocampus from the corpse of a fox
- A door-way to practice in
- A basic understanding of what astral-projections are
You actually don't need a door when you're just beginning to understand what the door opening method is.
Before you start, you need to understand that when you start opening a door you can't stop. The door will open. This method requires the utmost commitment and perseverance. This is only the beginning.
When you meditate vigorously you levitate. The levitation is due to your body pushing on the earth so hard the earth thinks "What the heck, man?" and backs up by roughly three decimeters. The three decimeters of levitation is needed so that your body can commit photosynthesis. Your body only commits photosynthesis when you burn the twelve metric tonnes of frankincense. The reason it commits photosynthesis is that there's no oxygen in the air surrounding you. The air is eaten up by the frankin-atmosphere.
Step 1Meditate on why you're learning how to open a door. Meditate on how you're going to open the door. Why are you opening the door? Who are you opening the door for? What are you opening the door for? If you're meditating correctly you'll begin to astrally-project yourself onto the astral plane. Once on the astral plane you'll be guided to your seat by a flight attendant. Once you land, you'll be facing eight doors. The first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth holes of fire. Walk through the seventh hole of fire into the 66th dimension. But make sure you don't walk through the eighth hole of fire into the 67th dimension. Because that's where the spawn of Cthulhu are. Once you pass into the 66th dimension you're almost ready to begin. Take a seat in the waiting room, because you're going to have to wait for a room to practice in to become available.
Obtaining the doorway catalog
To create the doorway in the room you're using, you'll need the doorway catalog. But usually the doorway catalog isn't in the waiting room. So you'll have to leave the 7th hole of fire and stop astrally-projecting yourself to go get the catalog. In the normal world, the catalog can be found in Home Depot in the doorway section. But the doorway section you're looking for isn't actually where you find the doorways for your earthen houses, it's in the back. It's so far in the back it's where Adam Sandler's character got his remote in Click.
Finding an employee in Home Depot to guide you
Generally finding a Home Depot employee is hard, but to find the Ultimate Employee(™) you'll have to search all the Home Depots in your local universe. To find the place to learn this dude's location you'll need to build a spaceship that can fly to Mars. On Mars are aliens who have a database of all Ultimates(™). Find the Home Depot section; therein should the location of the Ultimate Employee(™) reside. Once you've found him you'll have to recite the following numerical code to the tune of the Soviet national anthem: 12535968930495843849. Return to your meditation room with the catalog in your hands, and then restart the astral-projection step all over again.
Once a spot has become available, rush to the reception desk and say "I want that room!". If you say it loud enough, the receptionist will give you the room for which you've asked. The room will have no door because you've subconsciously realized that you've not even learned how to open a door with proper form. Once you've entered you'll notice that everything has gone dark. You're in the abyss. This is because once you've entered a room, you're basically god. You can create anything you want with the snap of your fingers. Extremists actually think that that's how a god created this dimension.
Sometimes these rooms have snakes, so if you have to, create a dimension of fire and flames, and throw the snake there. Firstly, you need to create the ground on which you'll stand, then create a place in which you can create the doorway. To create the doorway isn't just as easy as creating a dimension of fire and brimstone, or as simple as creating the ground. To create a doorway requires thought, meticulous and tedious thought. Read the doorway catalog, in the catalog, is every possible thing the doorway could be made of or be colored as or anything. Remember you have to read the catalog cover-to-cover. Once you've read the catalog from cover-to-cover, mark off the options you'd like most. Then think upon them, close your eyes, now open them. You should see a box that says "To <insert name here>, Good luck learning the door opening method!"
Sadly the doorway isn't pre-assembled. So you'll have to read the directions on how to assemble it. To assemble it you're required to memorize the manual word-for-word. Once you're done with that go ahead and assemble the door. You may be thinking, "If I'm so powerful why do I have to assemble it? Can't I just snap my fingers and it'll be assembled?". Well have you heard of the omnipotence paradox? Basically, it says that if a god exists who's almighty could he create a rock that he couldn't lift? He's all powerful, so then he could create something he couldn't lift. But if he's all powerful he could lift it. In the 66th dimension, the receptionist decided to say that he could create something he could not lift. So you're almost all-powerful but not quite.
Once the assembly is finished, imagine a door, but make sure not to create it. Imagine the door with vigor, but not so much vigor that you create a door. If you create a door now, you'll have to start all over again from step one. Now that the door is being imagined with just enough vigor, it should appear, but it'll only partly exist. Before even touching the door make sure that you've imagined the right kind of door. The door needs to be a swinging door, no doorknob, fifteen deadlocks twelve chain locks and eleven combination locks. But to make sure that the doors locks don't actually stop you from opening the door.
The Pushing Techniques
These are the most basic of the methods from the door opening method. This is what was taught to the original door masters when they first began opening doors with proper form.
The Door Pushing TechniqueThis technique requires for you to have the ability to read, write, and speak R'lyehian. Make sure you're hydrated enough so that you can survive without water for around 30 minutes. No more, no less. Chant in R'lyehian "I am" at least 12 times, but not more than 12.5. Once finished chanting the phrase you'll need to begin sprinting at the door as fast as you can, so as to push it open. Due to the massive number of locks on the door, it weighs roughly one ton. When you run into the door, if done correctly, it should swing open at 12.5kph. If so you've succeeded at the beginner version of the pushing method.
The 360-degree rotation push method
This one is very similar to the push method, but before the eleventh chanting of the phrase, you need to spin exactly 360 degrees. If you spin 360.0001 degrees you'll have to recalibrate yourself, begin chanting again and then proceed to try again. If done correctly, you'll have to run at exactly 13.325km/s. It'll have the same effect as the door pushing method.
The open with your knee-pits pushing method
This one is the most advanced of the pushing method genus. This is the only method in which you don't need to chant the phrase from 12 to 12.5 times. This method requires you to chant it 23.5356 times exactly. Once finished chanting, walk towards the door. This will give the door a false sense of security, and lull it into being calm enough to be kicked into submission. once you feel the door is calm enough, sprint at it as fast as humanly impossible. Kick the door with Chuck Norris level force. Then when the door is open just enough, bend your knees over the door. This concludes the door pushing methods.
You're Ready For More...
Now that you've mastered all three pushing techniques, you're ready to learn the pulling technique. You aren't ready for a full-on doorknob, so just use a door with a handle.
Repeat steps: 2, 2.a, and 3. You'll need an entirely new doorway on which to practice the following techniques.
The Gripping Technique
The Gripping Technique requires patience, lots of patience. For you to properly master this technique you'll have to have mastered all the pushing techniques. Once those are mastered you may begin to learn the gripping technique.
The gripping technique requires three things. A hand that can grip the doorknob/handle with force, a basic understanding of parabolas, and a hippocampus from the corpse of a fox. If your hand cannot grip the handle with enough force, just use someone else's. The hand stealing method always works. Once you've obtained a hand, (if applicable) you'll need the hippocampus from the fox. This is an essential part of the mastery of the gripping technique. Create a table and a chair. Sit in the chair. Place the hippocampus of the table. Use a fork and knife to cut up the hippocampus into small pieces. Once it's been cut, eat it. The last part of the mastery of the gripping technique is having a basic understanding of parabolas.
The Pulling Technique
The pulling technique is second to the most basic techniques that you can learn. Since these methods require a handle you'll need to master the gripping technique If the mastery of the gripping technique has been foolishly neglected, repeat the pushing techniques and then master the gripping technique.
The Basic Pull
In this technique, you simply walk up to the door, use the infamous gripping technique, and then pull it with the might of Zeus. If you've not pulled it with the might of Zeus, you've clearly neglected the last part of the mastery of the gripping technique. If you've skipped out on eating the fox hippocampus you won't be able to pull it open hard enough
The turning technique
The turning technique requires some goat blood.
If you've saved some, like a good person, drink the rest now. When you're finished drinking, use the gripping technique to grab the practice-knob. Twist with the strength of Ares. Whip that bad boy open and bask in the glory that you've achieved.
You've mastered the door opening method.
You are now ready. You've mastered the door opening method. Use the knowledge of the door opening scrolls you've obtained. Use the gripping method to grab the door knob, use the turning technique to turn the real doorknob. Pull it open calmly but also with the might of Kronos. You've now learned how to open a door properly. Congratulations!