HowTo:Properly cut up that man in your basement

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So, it seems as though something has motivated you enough to dispose of the corpse that you've been keeping in your basement. Perhaps your motivation is based upon the stench of decay wafting throughout your house, and you're sick of people asking questions. Maybe it's simply time to get rid of the evidence of your last job. It's safe to assume that you've attempted to clean up your mess, only to have created a bigger mess than what you started with. There is good news for you, however. This article has been written to help you finish the task that you've already started. You see, cutting up the corpse you've been hiding can be a very rewarding experience for both you and your victim. However, without having access to the right information, it can end up quite disastrous and detrimental. Therefore, in this HowTo article, I will give you the information necessary to completing the task at hand successfully.


Before You Begin

Now, before you start mutilating that desecrated old corpse in your basement, let me explain something to you. While it's not likened to rocket science, it can be something of a grueling task. The first thing you must understand is that to successfully butcher the corpse, it's best to think of it as plucking, skinning, and dressing a turkey. If you think of the job as anything else, you will fail miserably.

The first thing you must do is enter your basement while your mark is unconscious. This will make things much easier and cleaner for you in the long run. If your quarry is awake or has somehow escaped, you've got no reason to be pursuing this article, and should instead be hunting your prey down. Now, in order to successfully capture your escaped prey, it is suggested that you purchase a good-quality baseball bat and use this as you would a sap; that is, swing the implement at full-force, making sure to connect with the side of your intended victim's head. Usually, it will only take one swing to render the person unconscious. Once you have successfully completed this step, you must relocate the unconscious person back to your basement.


Let's Kill Him!

Note: Should your victim already be dead, then you can skip this step and continue on.

Killing someone is not just a hack-and-slash job. If you want this to be accomplished correctly, you must utilize a certain degree of finesse and gentility; as though you were cracking open an egg or skull. A quick (though messy) way of slaughtering someone is to slit their throat with a knife. If you cannot locate a knife, I would suggest using a razor blade, dagger, bottle or other sharp tool. You could always bludgeon them to death with a bat, two-by-four, or simply poison them. Piano wires can be very useful to strangle your victim to death.

More examples:

  • Beat them with themselves
  • Beat them with a fish
  • Beat them with a broom
  • Beat them with a wet noodle
  • Give them a hug.
  • Beat them at chess
  • Beat the shit out of them
  • Beat them with nothing.
  • Beat them. That's it.
  • Challenge them to a dance contest
  • Slap them very hard
  • Hire vampires to do the job.
  • Make them watch New Moon
  • Force them to listen to Justin Bieber CDs.
  • Let emos have their way with your victim.
  • Make them listen to the Crazy Frog
  • Strip down their underwear and give them a hug

This step is for preparing your room or torture chamber so that you may cut your victim up for easy transportation. The first thing to do is make sure to remove anything of value from your room, such as shelves, electronics, anything that you are afraid may get splattered with gore and either incriminate you or cheapen your merchandise. Once that is taken care of, it's important that you place sheets of clear plastic, such as Reynold's Wrap or Saran Wrap over your carpet, furnature, and anything else that may become splattered with blood and gore. Once that is finished, you should cover your mattress with a rubber mat or more plastic.

Let The Cutting Begin

Cutting up the body is a form of art, which may be done differently by each individual. Some people like to use a knife or chainsaw, while others may use medical implements.

The main thing that you must remember is to minimize the mess while operating. You do not want to hit an artery by mistake, as that could prove to be quite detrimental. Blood may still be circulating within the corpse even after they have been dead for an hour or longer. So, when you remove the extremeties, it is important to cauterize the wounds left behind. Also, you would want to cauterize the limbs that you had severed. These severed limbs may be used to point at things, scratch your back, or as pieces for your Halloween costume. It's alright to keep them as souveniers, just remember not to send them back home to your mother. Your father on the other hand, may enjoy them. Once the basics have been covered, you may then proceed to butcher your victim. The best way to do this is to cut them in the same manner that you would a steak. Small pieces that may then be sent to the grocery store, your mama, or even Africa. Any country that is low on food will gratefully accept your anonymous donation. Be artistic, be smart, and above all, have fun.

Anorak

make sure you write down notes in a special notebook.


Disposal

Disposal is easy, so long as you have packaged the body up as though it were meat. If you did not do this, and forgot to clean your room prior to this step, you probably have blood stains on everything. To clean these up, it is suggested that you use bleach or urine. Do not use more blood. It will only make a bigger mess of things. Now, simply place the remains- the hair, teeth, bones, etc; in a plastic bag. This will suffice for now.

Dumping The Corpse

Rightnwrong

The burial on the left was dug sufficiently deep to fit the corpse. The burial on the right is sloppy, as we can see from this artist rendition of arms and legs sticking up through the earth.

It may take years to find somewhere to discard the plastic bags. By this time, your corpse may have been rendered into Jello. This is okay, though, as it will make getting rid of the evidence easier. A good selection of dumping grounds include:

  • Your local cemetery.
  • McDonalds.
  • Equestria. (Except Canterlot. If anyone finds the body lying there they'll teleport to the murderer)
  • If a skeleton, to an archaeologist.
  • A church bake-sale.
  • Jello-loving aliens
  • Scientific research facilities.
  • A suspicious-looking van.
  • Some farm in the middle of nowhere.
  • A desk at the local DMV. Bonus points if deceased is an employee. Leave a hilarious note on the body, like 'This is what happens when Phillip waits.'
  • A nuclear bunker
  • Necromancers will love to receive the remains.
  • Charity
  • Fiery pit
  • Tom Cruise's private plane.
  • That creepy neighbor next door.
  • Inside your closet.
  • Cannibals are a likely choice.
  • Anywhere that is not your house.
  • An airplane toilet, bonus points if you Jizz on the handle and don't flush the body...just let the chunks float around, It'll be confused as airplane food. They'll understand...

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