HowTo:Properly Name Your Child

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Do NOT name you child anything on a "top baby name" list.

edit What's in a name?

Congratulations. You're knocked up. Now what? For many parents, before you can decide on important issues such as whether your child will take tuba lessons or grow up to be a garbage worker, the issue of your child's name must be addressed. The child's name is the most important thing you as his or her parents can ever give. It'll be with them the rest of their lives. Forever. And ever. It is important to point out that your child has to live with whatever name you think sounds good. Your child will be the one getting his ass kicked at school because you named your son Topher and that'll be your daughter hanging off the pole on the center stage at the Lusty Lady Lucky Beaver Adult Night Club and Entertainment Centre because you named her Sparkle Gleem. So decide carefully.

Because of this, many parents feel a need to seek help from outside sources. The internet is full of websites devoted to baby naming. Some sites will tell you what names are popular. Others will tell you what a particular name means and a list of famous people who have had the name in the past.

Forget those. All you need now is this article.

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edit Popular Names

Each year, varying websites put out lists and lists of popular names. All this tells you is that by the time your infant hits kindergarten, there are going to be whole classes devoted to students named Jaylin or Jayden. This will, however, make your child's teacher's job easier. Instead of having to memorize the names and faces of thirty or more students, she'll now have 29 students named Jaylin and one child named Bob. Chances are, all she has to do is tell little Jaylin to come forward and help her with an assignment and next thing she knows, she's getting trampled to death by 29 Jaylins while poor Bob sits in his seat, crying his eyes out because deep down, he knew his mommy hates his guts because she named him something practical like Bob.

Still, some parents feel a need to follow trends. Whatever. Your child is going to grow up hating your guts when they're old enough to understand what it means to share the same name with 45 other students because you were too lazy to think of a different name. You've been warned. Consider sleeping with one eye open the rest of your life. Your precious Jaylin may try to smother you in your sleep.

Another name alleyway to be avoided is attaching the suffixes -en, -in, -lyn, -len, -on or -an to any random word to make a new name. The schools of America are teeming with poor children subjected to these stupid names because Mommy thought that Bricklyn is a cute name and Daddy always wanted a son named Baseballbatlen.


Please, for the love of all things brown DO NOT name your child after a toilet cleaner

edit Not So Popular Names

You've now decided that the main stream, every third child born today will have this name isn't for you. Way to go. Nice work on stepping outside of the box. However, let's not get carried away and step too far outside the box. It's nice to have a child with a name that no one else has, but let's not go overboard. Names that are composed mostly of dashes and hyphens are to be avoided. Names that no one can pronounce are to be avoided. Names that look like you threw darts at a phone book and used letters stuck to the tips of the darts are to be avoided. You can make your child's name stand out, but for the love of God, don't make your child unique because you think it'll help his self esteem. It won't. Your child you named Beautiful Radience will wind up in therapy before her 5th birthday and will likely either grow up to be a lifetime member of the Mile High Club or will be asking if you want fries with that for the rest of her life.

A simple test to consider before picking a potential name is to think about the name. Then take the name and put them into these two sentences and see which one fits best:

  • 1. Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States, (Insert your potential name choice here)
  • 2. Ladies and Gentlemen, appearing tonight for one performance only, (Insert your potential name choice here), will be on the main stage of the Lusty Lady Lucky Beaver Adult Night Club and Entertainment Centre.

The choice is yours. Chances are, if you are already an employee at the Lusty Lady Lucky Beaver Adult Night Club and Entertainment Centre, you'll want your daughter to follow in your five inch spike plastic platform stripper shoes, so name appropriately. For the rest of the population who would prefer that we not see our daughters naked and on stage with dollar bills poking out of her lady parts, pick your child's name carefully.

edit I'm So Emotional

There are millions of possibilities out there for your child's future name. The world is full of words that would make perfect name for your spawn. A trend these days is naming your child after emotions, events and sports teams. Unless you want your child growing up as the dancer at the main stage of the Lusty Lady Lucky Beaver Adult Night Club and Entertainment Centre, I'd stay away from these names.

Examples include: Beautiful, Miracle, Lovely, Radiance, Happy, Justice, and Britney Spears.

edit Trendy With a Twist

Ok. So you've got your child's name all picked out. You still have 8 months and three weeks of your pregnancy to go before you sign that piece of paper legally burdening your child with the name that has taken you 9 months or longer to decide on. But then a thought hits you: How can I keep this original name but make it trendy?

The answer? Misspell it!

That's right. You heard me! Misspell your child's name. Christopher has morphed into Kristuphyr. A completely innocent name like Jason has been butchered into Jhayhsoune. The possibilities are endless when it comes to how stupid you want to look. Misspelling does not make you look cute, cool or hip. It makes you look like a moron because you couldn't properly spell Bob and instead, decided to spell it Opqlzdb. You will burn in hell. Your child will make sure of it once he graduates the first grade and realizes you don't spell his name Kohnnure (Connor).

edit Making a Point

So you've got your name. It's a good name, but you need something to spice it up a bit. How about throw in a few punctuation marks? Turn a boring name like Catherine into La'Cather-in-e and there you go. Your child now stands out and you look like the moron you really are. Punctuation marks belong in essays, not on a birth certificate.

edit I'm So Unoriginal

Never, never, never name your child the same as your last name. I've personally known people named Scotty Scott, Peter Peters and Bailey Bailey. Please. Get creative. The world is full of names. If you're that unoriginal that you have to resort to using your last name as a first name, you need to find the nearest bridge and jump to your death.

edit Biblical names

Thinking of naming your son Jedediah? Assuming your little girl would be happy with being named Jezebel? Absolutely convinced that Job is the right one for you? WELL DON'T! Would you place heavy weights on your toddler's shoulders? Would you want to see them bent and crumble under the weight of history? Do you really want to see them smite down heathens before they reach puberty? Save the little ones! Let them leave free of the biblical shackles!

And for the love of all things brown, stay away from the name Jesus.

edit Overview

So, now that you know how to name your child, you're all set.

On second thought, might want to ditch the idea of having children. Get a fern. They don't care what they're named.

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