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By clicking on this page, you have shown to have at least a mild will to live. This defines you as a true human being. Oscar Wilde once said
|“||Zombies are the most dangerous threat to mankind, for they have no soul, and therefore, no fear. They will push themselves to the brink of destruction, and will stop for no amount of pain.||”|
Since that day, alas, we have been plauged by an even worse creature: the emo. Yes, though zombies may be thoughless human puppets that will not stop when exposed to any amount of pain, the emos actually encourage it. How is it possible that forces of creatures that actually want you to hurt them, and accept the pain as though you were giving them pure nirvana, are able to grow stronger, and more dangerous each day? The answer is not a simple one, and is rooted in the stupidity and blind obedience of mankind. But knowing about, and understanding emos, is not an important issue right now. No, the crucial role that you, my friend, must play, is assistance in the valiant effort of total eradication of emos. This is not an easy role, but this article will try to explain how to best rid the world of emos, once and for all. If all goes as planned, we will be left with an ideal world without any sadness or misery. What was that? There are still issues like poverty and war, left to deal with? Screw you, hippie! This is the answer to all of our problems, and if you don't believe it, you should go onto the emo side. Try to spread your veganomic ideas to their glazed over, rotting faces. See if they'll be more sympathetic, or merely try to draw charcoal tears on your face. For those of you remaining that actually care about saving humanity, this article will guide you step-by-step through the information you need to know in order to become a mindless fighting machine.
Your Outlook and Appearance
After that inspiring opening paragraph, you would likely assume that emo killing would be best done by donning dark sunglasses and a black leather trenchcoat with twin holsters for shiny silver revolver pistols, and show a stoic expression that makes you appear to be "blowing shit up and taking names" every single day, merely on your way to work. Pretty much, you were expecting to become Keanu Reeves. Sadly, although Keanu's unique brand of ass-kicking works well in most situations, in the area of emo fighting, a blank expression and black leather merely identifies you as one of them. This could easily get you killed in friendly fire, or taken over by emo recruiters, otherwise known as the staff at Hot Topic. So, to put you in the proper mindset, and distinguish yourself from the enemy in question, you must be the polar opposite of emo. Happy. The easiest way to be happy is to merely be content and not sad, as redundant as this sounds. If you do not have the willpower to be positive, and still wish to work against the emo forces, happiness can easily be artificially simulated by substances such as alcohol, drugs and of course, Happy Meals. Once you have decided that you look jovial enough, though not to the point of having people question your sexuality (though, if you DO swing the other way, you can be as merry and gay as you want), you will be ready for the next step in the war on emo. Or you won't. Either way, there's no turning back after all of this.
Choice of Weaponry
Choosing which weapons to use against your emo foes is one of the most challenging aspects of emo-slaying. A humanitarian would argue that emos do not need to be slain, for this is immoral and sick act which would largely decrease the world's population. Though this is largely true, there ARE some instances where lethal weaponry is required (See: Taking Down The Big Dogs) in order to emerge victorious. In such instances, weaponry that spills little blood is most useful. A notorious characteristic of emos is their attraction to blood, even their own. If you attempt to make a battle against emos a violent bloodbath, using grenades, chainsaws, machine guns, or other heavy-hitting weaponry, the resulting blood spill will draw even more emos to your immediate vicinity. At some point, your ammo or fuel will run out, and you will be left with hundreds of unslain emos, lusting to devour your still-living flesh. Yes, emos have been prone to cannibalism when the vegan burgers their mom keeps in the refrigerator run out. So, ruling out the heavy weaponry, you are left with the options of small knives and long-range weapons, neither of which spill much blood. Carrying knives is as much of a beacon to emos as blood, because they will instantly rip you to pieces trying to obtain the knife on your person so they can use it to inflict pain on themselves. The remaining option of long-range weaponry can be split into three categories: handguns, rifles, and archery. Handguns are the most helpful weapons for general, non-lethal emo fighting (as will be explained in the next section), and for necessary kills, rifles are much more useful than bows. Though one may argue that bows are best for silent kills, emos are virtually unaware of any noises that do not come from the new <insert Emo band name here> CD on their iPod, so noise generated by your weapon will not be noticed. Thus, for lethal combat, assault rifles are most effective.
BUT!!! *gasp!* the best methods are really straightforward. srsly. will these be more effective than the ones mentioned above, you ask? maybe....anyway, listen up! (meizbored.plusifuckinghateemos,sohereismycontributiontotihsartickelel. LOL)
- use an M60E4 ('coz the E1, E2,and E3 versions have the tendency to ASPLODE in your hands after 10 rounds of continuous firing) MACHINE GUN PLUS unlimited supplies OF 7.62 X 51 mm STEEL-CORE ROUNDS and extra gun barrels(MANDATORY) going ala-Rambo is recommendeded.
- use an M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (well, it's the next best thing. plus, it fires faster! (@ 750-800 rpm while the M60 fires @ 550 rpm) although it's penis size is smaller than the M60 (only about 5.56 X 45 mm))
- a rusty, sharp Machete. (well, DUH... plus, the added bonus is that the wounds and lacerations caused by this tool will be inflicted with Tetanus.... :D )
- a Desert Eagle .50 AE pistol..plain and simple. (aim for the head, their iPod or groin. those are their weakpoints)
- use .50 cal Browning Machine Guns (well, duh again.)
- use AWPs (only recommended to 1337 Emo killers)
- use RPG-7's while running around screaming ALLAH AKBAR!..... (hey, WTF?!)
- a MK19 40 X 53 mm mounted GRENADE MACHINE GUN (now we're talking!!! fires @ a rate of 350 rpm! boom, boom, boom!!! ah, yes. major emo carnage with this bad boy....oohh look, an decapitated emo's arm...)
- Artillery Strikes. (150 mm howitzers will do. if not, MLRS units will do as well.)
- Robot Chicken
- pray to the great Flying Spaghetti Monster. he will smite those all of those freaks with his noodly wrath!
- HEAVY METAL MUSIC (that should sort them out. plus, you'll attract heavy metal junkies, which are valuable reinforcements for your rag-tag anti-emo commando unit)
- an entire division of M1A2 Abrams Battle Tanks (emos won't be able to get to the people inside...obviously...lolwut.)
- a Lockheed AC-130U Spectre Heavy Ground Attack Plane, 2.5 miles up in the sky for close air support for our anti-emo commandos on the ground. (weapons are: 25mm GAU-12/U Equalizer Gatling Cannon (fires at a rate of 3600 rpm) , 40mm L60 Bofors Auto Cannon (fires 40mm HE shells at 250 rpm) & a 105mm M102 Howitzer) DEATH FROM ABOVE!! OMGWTFBBQ!!!!
- punch them in the face (well, i'm starting to run of of ideas...heh)
- whack them with a sledgehammer
- cut their heads off with an Axe
- Grenadez (yes, 'nades) remember, once the pin is pulled from Mr. Grenade, he is not your friend anymore.....obviously...
- going like LEEEERRRRROOOOOOOYYYYY JEEEEENNNNKKKKIIIINNSSSSS!!!! while wielding a 9mm M9 Beretta with only a clip full of ammo ( viable as an last-ditch effort when surrounded by emos, but THIS will get you killed, since the 9mm X 19 parabellum bullet couldn't even penetrate your Mom. just aim for the eyes.)
- and as a last resort, use NUCLEAR WEAPONS (AS A LAST RESORT, UNDERSTOOD? i think we agree on that, men..evacuate the immediate blast radius area (20+ km blast radius) IMMEDIATELY when activated...)
Ok, now we're CLEAR on everything.. Oorah? ok, LOCK AND LOAD BOYS, LET'S MOVE OUT!! TAKE NO PRISONERS!
Fighting Regular Emos
As mentioned in the above section, when fighting normal emos, such as the ones you see every day, lethal weaponry is rarely advised. It must be kept in mind that somewhere, in the seemingly hollow and depressing exterior of every emo, there lies a human being. Your job is not to perform genocide upon a good portion of the population of the world, merely for being plauged by a "trendy" lifestyle that sucks the very happiness from their soul. These people are infected by a virus, and an unconventional one at that, so it is your duty to free them from this virus, not kill them. As shown by the picture at right, aiming for the head or (in male emos, and a few females as well), the huevos, is not advisable. The reason behind not making headshots is simple: while under their current control, emos are unable to think independently. Aiming for their head would do as much good as aiming for a fly-away balloon in Norway. In other words: none. Trying to hit their no-fly zone wouldn't be much more effective, because male emos wear such tight pants that they lose any circulation in that area, so won't feel any difference in it. In fact, most are already completely sterile. The common emo's source of emoness, and weak point is, in fact, it's iPod. Yes, a constant stream of Hawthorne Heights, My Chemical Romance, and Silverstein fill an emo with immense sadness and hatred. Destroy the iPod, and destroy their emoness. This may be done using a handgun, as mentioned in the previous paragraph, but can also be done by simply smashing it by hand. Using the handgun will cause much more damage to the emo, so only do this if you have no other choice or are just lazy. Once an emo loses its iPod, it will instantly feel much happier, and can be regarded as a normal human. But, even when all of the world's emo music listeners are disabled, the battle is not yet over.
Taking Down The Big Dogs
When all, or at least most, of the world's emos are brought back to normal society by violent means, their idols, the emo bands, must be taken down, so that the emo plague will never be replenished. At this step of the crusade, it is unnecessary to hold back while exterminating. The emo leaders, who obtain followers by their shitty brand of music, are completely unsympathetic towards their minions, so you should kill them off with the same cold indifference... Though, yelling "Booya! Headshot!" for every one killed, can still count as cold indifference. During this phase, making quick, clean deaths for the "musicians" is nearly crucial, as not to arouse hostilities from their followers, who can actually be quite vicious when their heroes are assassinated. Thus, this is the point at which using your sniper rifle is crucial. After making a series of easy murders, nearly all of the big-name (and store-endorsed) emo bands will be killed off, and any remaining emo garage bands will completely forget about emo music, because they will have no one left to immitate. Once this is done, the war on emos will be finished, and the world will be completely perfect.
Some other effective methods for killing the emo "queens" are the Delta Force neck snap (exceptionally suitable and effective for all, other than the three known to have had their spines surgically removed to fit with their emo personas), or a stab through the emo's heart. Some of the most powerful emo's are said to come from ancient times, surviving throughout the ages listening to their slowly developing emo music. Therefore, when these emo's are stabbed through the heart, some will turn to ash, most importantly, be very careful NOT to come into contact with any of the remains. Emos are said to kick and try to cut themselves even hours after death, such as what happened to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Paramore, Skylit Drive, and Matchbox Romance.
As mentioned before, the world will be completely perfect. There will be no crime, no poverty, no war, and everyone will be happy and healthy. There will be absolutely no need for further violence, and the people of Earth will have joined hands in unison because they all see each other as equals. The world will be green and unpolluted. Bunnies will hop merrily through the meadows. There will be a giant baby giggling in the sky... Hey, wait a minute. That's sort of stupid and annoying. How can anyone think straight with a baby hovering over their head? It's just creepy. A perfect world has no place for such a baby. We should have a full-on nuclear strike to kill it. Sure, even if we do manage to kill it, it will explode and leave radiation flowing over the earth. If the radiation doesn't kill us, then we will have to live with eternal night for the rest of our lives, but it's still better than that goddamn sun baby... Why must a perfect world be so imperfect!? Note* We have just had news that it is not a giant baby but Jesse Fish of North Tonawanda, secret leader of the emos.