HowTo:Prevent your car radio from being stolen
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
It's morning, you just got up and walking shoulder-slumped to your car, trying to wear off last night's hangover thinking about the long long day waiting for you at work. But then you stop in your tracks. Eyes focusing for the first time since you dragged your sorry arse out of bed and you realize that that nice glittering shiny thing (ooohhh...shiny!) resting on the floor is, in fact, your shattered windshield. Alas, you started your morning handling a very grave matter. Your car radio has been stolen.
Mitigating the damage
Play it like an ostrich
Remember the well-known ostrich approach? Placing your head in the sand? Well, you can always try this one as well. Just sit your arse down, start the car and enjoy the morning drive. Hey? What's that prickling sensation down there? Is that glass on my seat? Was I cut? AM I BLEEDING FROM MY ARSE?!?!
With trembling fingers you try to turn on the radio, perhaps the music will ease your suffering. What is that gaping hole where your radio used to be? Are those exposed electricity wireZZSFFSFZSSDFSJGFWRQ!!#!WRWRW
Perhaps you should reconsider this approach.
Remove glass and avoid sticking your finger in the gaping hole
While this is a much more sensible option than the previous it still holds a bit of a problematic angle. You will not  bleed from brand new orifices and/or stick your fingers in gaping hole. You will be left with the problem of an uncomfortable silence prevailing in your car. Not much can you do about it I'm afraid - either sing it yourself or drive in brooding silence throughout the morning traffic. Either way, your future is looking grim.
Should I buy a new car radio?
You could, but then the bastards may just come over and steal it again. Come to think about it, mayhap the bastards are actually working for the bastards who manufacture that useless piece of junk or might even be the bastards who manufacture the useless piece of junk themselves!
In any case, you probably want to save a nickel for the time you might really need it. We therefore suggest you avoid from buying a new one. Go for the preemptive approach. Avoid getting your car radio being stolen in the first place. That's the spirit. Let us tell you how.
“The first lesson of how to be invisible is very simple. Do not allow yourself to be seen.”
Bury the car
Have a piece of land next to your house? Then all of your troubles have been solved! Make sure to keep a shovel handy at the back of your car. Finished your day at work? Got back home? Nifty! Take your shovel out and start digging. Dig a big hole. 6 meters deep, 4 meters wide. Drive car into the hole. Cover hole. Walk away whistling as if nothing happened.
- Advantages: You car radio is sure to be safe
- Disadvantages: You have to bury your car every night you idiot.
- Special circumstances to take under consideration: You may accidentally dig out things that you don't really want to mess with.
Is that a new shrubbery?
A very acceptable method of camouflage is making your car look like its surrounding. While in the urban surrounding it's a bit of a pesky business, since everyone looks the same - gray, asphaltic, smell like carbon dioxide et cetera, making your car look like a small tree or a weird shrubbery may prove to be an efficient way to turn the attention from your car radio to this new and bizarre plant.
- Pros: You might get extra protection from environmental activists, or "hippies", who believe that your car is, in fact, an exotic tree.
- Cons: There is no possible way that your banged up '77 Pinto can be made to look like a tree. Give up now.
- Special circumstances to take under consideration: You might have birds nesting in your brand new "pinto" tree. How cute. Alas, only weird birds will nest in pinto trees. Such a shame.
It is a well-known fact that this issue ignites a righteous flame in many a hearts. And so, disguising your car as an abortion clinic may prove to be an original and effective counter measure. Make a big sign, hire some actors to wear white robes and hang around the car, play loud baby-crying recordings for the dramatic effect, and you are bound to have wild demonstrations around your car all day long. No sane radio thief-bastard will dare getting anywhere near your car.
- Why? Impenetrable human barrier.
- Why not? Not cost effective and there is a good chance that the protesters will smash your car anyhow, and your bloody radio in it.
- Special circumstances to take under consideration: The police might block access to your car and excuses such as "It's my damn car" and "It's not really an abortion clinic" will fall on deaf ears. On second thought, this is a very silly solution.
In this section we shall examine various alarm systems that might prevent a possible break and entry into your car. As we all know, normal every day alarms don't mean diddly squat to the average car burglar, and therefore one must ensure to get a hefty car alarm so that we can sleep tucked in nicely at night time. Let's go.
The Hysterical Car Alarm
This car alarm tries to impress upon the would-be burglar that he will take the car owner's best and last possession on this planet. Any breaking and entering to the car will trigger sad and mournful Japanese music, along with the following phrasing:
Take this, you measly lowlife trailer trash,
And you shall feel guilty always.
You shall see my blaming gaze when you close your eyes at nighttime.
You shall feel guilt forever."
- Ayes: It will make the causal bystander weep for the harsh harsh life of the car owner
- Nays: It is a sad sad and pathetic piece of hardware.
- Special circumstances to take under consideration:An unexpected bonus is potentially good looking women will look into your sad sad puppy eyes and melt into your arms. Implausible yet not impossible.
A Proactive Approach
An active solution that will surely give your friendly breaker-and-enterer pause for thought, is the painful alarm (TM). The concept of this one is quite simple: Let the scoundrel who got your stereo install it in his poor god forsaken Trabant, giggle to himself all smug and happy, and turn on his new shiny stereo to enjoy it. Alas, the pro-active-painful-alarm (TM) has identified that the local operation point no longer correlates with the original one. Suitably distressed, it releases a painful fist straight into the surprised perpetrator's face or crotch. It won't get you your stereo back, but it will give you satisfaction.
- Warum? It is very satisfactory to think about the rascal being hammered into the ground and smile a smug little smile.
- Warum nicht? You ain't getting back yer stereo. Ever.
- Spezielle Umstände, zum in Erwägung zu nehmen: For some obscure reason you need to study German in order to work this one out. Hell if I know why.
Another possible solution is to construct an electric fence around your car or simply attach it to mains Power. This way the perpetrator will experience a shock while trying to break into your car and steal that oh so beautiful radio you love so much, In the case of the second method the Would be thief will experience a slight tingle.
Moral Higher Ground
As this is a very cruel and unusual practice, leaving you all alone with your horrible chanting and your arse bleeding, stereo stealing is considered to be the Goatse of the underworld. Those who succumb to the need of new stereos and commit this offense are considered to be the lowest of the low.
In fact, this offense is considered to be so vile, it got it own category of meme nastiness, under the pretence of Stereotse. Nasty.
Thus, you can always take comfort with the fact that someone, somewhere, will get the bastard.
You, however, will remain with your horrible singing and your bleeding arse.
You poor bastard.
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos