HowTo:Play chess

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“Dirty Jew bastards.”
~ Bobby Fischer on Jews
“Dirty Bobby Fischer bastard.”
~ Jews on Fischer's famous victory over Boris 'the spastic' Spassky

“I admired his views immensely.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bobby Fischer's gaff in Iceland

“If it weren't for me none of y'all mothers would be at this shit.”
~ Malcom X on chess
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For quite some time, nobody knew who invented chess. For over a thousand or so years it was assumed that it was probably the Chinese or maybe the Indians, or something like that - you know, the way they pretty much invent everything. Apparently, the Chinese invented gunpowder too but I think that's a bunch of horseshit. Incidentally, the Indians invented horseshit. Anyway, what IS known is that it was invented because people were bored. The PS3 hadn't yet been invented and people were getting royally pissed off with the PS2. A man came along, probably, and said 'fuck this, I'm tired of the goddamn opitcal lens or whatever the fuck it's called breaking down all the time. My discs are all scratched and covered in dust and stuff. I need something more reliable; I'm tired of playing Metal Gear Solid and GTA San Andreas. I got all the clams and the photo opportunities, and the horseshoes.' After this somewhat lacklustre statement of intent, the invention of chess got underway.

The first obstacle to overcome was to decide how many players it should have. Solitaire, having just been invented earlier in the week by Ghandi essentially negated the neccessity for a new single-player game. Solitaire, with its fascinating gameplay and endless tactical possibilities, had the single-player market cornered. The guy, then, ruled that shit right out. Inspiration struck, however, when the bloke (who from here on in, for the sake of clarity, shall be referred to as Malcolm X) noticed that all his favourite video games were two-player... 'All of my favourite video games are two-player,' he said. 'Praise be to Alan, oops Allah, I mean Allah.'

It was at this point that inspiration, in the form of overt racism, struck X. He decided that rather than have a game that two people could play together in the spirit of co-operation and teamwork, he would create a game that had segregation, territory, race struggle and war as its central motifs. 'I will call this game... ah, shit,' said X, not having the requisite imagination to think of a name (again.)

Eventually, however, X decided on Chess. It is rumoured that he took the name from the label of a record he had broken off his wife's head. Proud of his racist achievements X made himself a cup of honky coffee and thought aloud. 'All that's left now, is to make an actual game.' And, again, X's racist tendencies came to the fore. Having witnessed a large street fight in which black males were pitted against, well, other black males, X decided that Chess should resemble a 'nigger street fight' albeit with one side white and the other black. This is the history of the invention of chess.

That's the history lesson over: Here's how to play chess, mofos

The board is made up of 64 squares. X, in a bizarre moment of equality, decided that there should be 32 nigger squares and 32 cracker squares.

Each player (player in the participatory sense, not in the pimped out hoe bitchin' mofo sense,) has sixteen pieces (pieces in the object sense, not in the glock up in yo muddaphuckin' grill sense.) Of those sixteen, eight are pawns (generally the weakest pieces, but they can become overt homosexuals later in the game.) Each player also has two Bishops (paedophiles), two Knights, two Castles (or cribz,) a Queen (ho,) and a King (pimp). The object of the game is to capture (murder) the other player's King.

There is one rule of chess which only serious chess fans follow. At the end of game suppose the loser is left with 4 pawns, 1 queen and 2 bishops. According to the rule, the winner will say "DO IT" (after saying Checkmate), and then loser will have to shove all the pieces up his/her ass. But there is an exception to this rule, suppose the loser was Chuck Norris which will probably tear the fabric of reality. But if it does not, then Chuck Norris will say "DO IT" and the winner will have to shove all the pieces up his/her ass. Then again, Chuck Norris never loses at chess, on account of the fact that he is Chuck Norris.

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