HowTo:Piss Off A Traveling Salesperson
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You're sitting at home. You're bored and upset. It's four-thirty PM on a Sunday and you'd usually be out with friends, but you and Jack had a bit of an argument on Saturday and since then no-one has seemed to want to hang out with you. Sod it, you think, and you go to the fridge to reach behind the empty Ben n' Jerry's carton to find your porn. You prize it oout and open the crunched-up pages. NO!!! It's been ruined by the freeze/thaw erosion process after being in your freezer so long! You sink to the floor with your head between your knees. Just as you think it can't get any worse, there's a knock on your door.
edit Open the Door
That's odd. No one has knocked on your door since that time you forgot your keys and hoped there was a burgler or someone who could let you in. You open the door a crack and shyly peek round.
"Hi," says the woman. "I'm here to offer you a once in a lifetime experience."
edit Offer to sell her whatever he's selling
Oh no! It's been so long that you've forgotten how to converse with another human being! "Ehkk," you wheeze pathetically. The woman is a bit put off. "Is there a problem, sir?" she asks expectantly.
Eventually you remember how to talk. "I'm here to offer you a once in a lifetime experience," you parrot. She's a bit confused. "Excuse me?" she asks. "Is there a problem, sir?" you respond.
Congratulations! You've successfully pissed her off. But don't go onto porn hub and start celebrating yet! She's still there...
edit Try to sell them something else
"No," you say, "actually, I'm here to sell you..." You look around your one-room apartment hastily. What could you sell her?
"I'm here to sell YOU a picture of my ex," you say, confidently, handing her the grubby snapshot you keep in your butt-crack.
"Ah...oh," says the woman, lost for words. 2-0, you. Doesn't it feel good to be a winner? Just remember, don't take anything less that $35!!
edit Start hitting on the salesperson
All of a sudden you notice that the saleswoman is actually quite pretty. "Um...hi," you say. "Hello..." replies the saleswoman, carefully. Hooray! She's acknowledged your existence. But this is no time to enjoy your victory. Press the advantage!
The saleswoman is looking at the picture you gave her. "This girl can't be more than eight years old!" she says. she's clearly impressed. Quickly! Offer her some drugs. Dammit, where are those old gluepots? You search around your person fruitlessly. Wait! There they are, the little beauties! Right on the other side of the room.
The woman watches as you stride confidently over to the glue-drawer. "You're naked!" she gasps. Uh-oh, she's noticed. Distract her with something witty.
"Um...YOU'RE naked," you say. OK, not bad, could do with some improvement. We'll practice with her later when she's tied up in the boot of your mum's car.
edit Deal some drugs to them
You grab the gluepots and go back to the door. "Here," you say roughly, thrusting them into the woman's hand. "Thank you?" she asks. See, she's grateful.
Wait! Those gluepots are your only friends. Suddenly you feel regretful of your generosity. "I'm not giving them to you!" you skriek, and grab them back. But it looks like you've put her off. Quick, compromise! "But...I'm willing to sell them to you," you say.
edit Try and buy what they're selling
All of a sudden, you're feeling somewhat philosophical, and you're wondering why Jebus sent this gift to you. "Damn it, why can't I remember?" you think aloud. "Damn asbestos! Something about ben n' jerry's and porn...and saleswomen..." You look at the girl. You've made your decision.
"Yes," you say. "I would like to buy your porn."
"Are you drunk?" she asks. Well yes, you are, but you seem to recall something about that being a bad thing. "No, I'm not," you say. "Are you?"
"No...Sir, I'm leaving," she says. And she is. She turns and begins to walk away. Oh no! What can you do to redeem the situatuion?
edit Pretend a monster is attacking them
"Stop!" you plead, running to catch up with her. "Pleases stay!" She raises a quizical eyebrow. Quick, give her a reason!
"I...have a boner," you point out. She starts running. You chase after her and pin her down, before dragging her back to your room and shutting the door. She gets up and opens the door. Your tiny brain searches for a solution.
"I'll save you!" you shriek, and run head-first into the fridge which goans and breaks open, spilling the pages of your magazines and old ice-cream cartons all over the floor. One falls on your head and sends you sprawling. Groaning, you look up and see that the girl is gone. Sobbing, you reach for a knife and go for the wrists. But wait! Perhaps another travelling salesperson will be here tomorrow? Slightly happier, you start collecting those magazine pages. after all, tomorrow is another day.
edit Other methods of annoying salespeople
- Act as though they just killed your mother.
- Try to offer them a pie.
- Tell them their head looks like a melon.
- Start having a Yo Mama battle with them.
- Pretend as though a monster is attacking them.
- Beat him with a fish.
- Open the door and run screaming past the guy.
- Tell the person you have AIDs and you want to do them.
- Beg them to take off their shirt.
- Say "Give me that peanut brittle!!!" If they do not have it, keep screaming.
- Throw a sandwich at them.
- Say 'But why should I buy this?' each time they explain how amazing it is
- answer yes to every question
- try to convert him to scientology
- Try and kill them
- Threaten their children with rape and death
- Take this article literally and urinate on them
- Pretend to be drunk
- Pretend to be high
- Be high!
- Speak in a different language
- Make jokes about their mother
- Talk about them as if they're not in the room
- Don't reply to anything they say
edit In the case of a telemarketer...
edit Answering the phone
Oh my God, your phone's ringing, and everyone's pissed at you. "No one wants to call me right now," you're thinking. You answer it anyways, and there's the telemarketer, "Hello sir I'm from [company] and I'm selling [product]." Oh God, here we go.
edit Starting off
Open with a really bad joke. Act like you're hitting on them, but if they're hitting back, let's revert to option #2.
Pretend they're a therapist. Let all your emotions on them. Scream like heck, recite poetry, and just act like they called you. Now, they're either pissed or to the point where they've hung up a phone. Last resorts are under this last piece.
edit The Finale
If all else fails, recite this last phrase and promptly hang up the phone: "Doctor Octagonapus, blagh!!!" What this does is it blows the telemarketers head off, but this spell travels through the phone, so, unless you want telemarketer brains all over you, hang up the phone after you say this phrase.