HowTo:Pimp a ho
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| You ain’t lived till you pimped a ho! | 
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Yo, Dawg! You wanna pimp a ho!? But you ain’t got no ho ta pimp - simple fool! First thang that a pimp needs is some mothafuckin’ good sense, and it jus’ ain’t good sense that you can pimp a ho, without no mothafuckin’ ho. So you gotta get recuitin' some bitch ta be yo' ho! And you put that bitch ta wurk.
Da history of hos ‘n’ pimps is some plain shit, Holmes. Da first cave brotha told da first cave bitch, "yo, mama, get yo' mud-flappin' ass outta here. Go'n fuck 'nother cave chump, ho! An' bring back some mothafuckin' bones!" That's when pimpin’ hos was born, man. My bitches be shy, an' they needs a po-lite introduction. That's what pimps is fo'.
Now, gettin’ a ho be easy in my hood, coz’ a lotta bitches chillin’ round lookin’ fo' a pimp, so I got me all kinds mothafuckin’ hos. That’s why I’s tellin’ ya. That‘s why I’s sweatin’ - writin' this here shit. Cos' I’s the man in my hood. I’s ‘super-pimp’. And cos' this hea jive-ass Uncyclopedia come an’ ask my advice. So, yo! Hea' dis'. You can listen-up if you want ‘thang’ on HowTo:Pimp a ho!
Contents |
edit Wha-choo-need
Man, first thang you need is three thangs, they be: Yo (pimp), Ho (bitch), an' Sukka (trick).
edit Yo
Fool! Go’on, look in the mirror. You da pimp, hea'? You a baaad mo fo! Yo' skins be stylin' and them hos be smilin' - You cool! So don't be takin' no jive. Ho go bad an' you whupp'r up-side da head.
- Wurk qualifications:
- Have a big mothafuckin' willy.
- You stylin'
- Be cool.
- Wurk dis-qualifications:
- Be a fool.
- You dressin' like a mothafuckin' honkey.
- Yo's a honkey.
edit Ho
She da bitch. She fuck you fo’ free, an' bring home da cash too. Man, she yo' money-maker. She da ho. Without her, you ain’t shit, Jackson. You treata’ good, now. Know what I’s sayin’ you?
- Wurk qualifications:
- Be a mothafuckin' horny bitch.
- Always give you da cash.
- Bitch ain't got no pimp.
- Wurk dis-qualifications:
- Bitch got AIDS.
- Bitch fuckin' fo' nothin'.
- Bitch got 'notha mothafuckin' pimp.
edit Sukka
Even you da pimp and she da ho, you all ain’t shit without “Sukka”. He da mark. He da trick. He gonna pay yo' ho cash fo' her fine ass. So ain’t nothin' more important in life that that mothafuckin’ trick.
- Wurk qualifications:
- Have a small willy.
- Always pay yo' ho.
- Sukka ain't got AIDS.
- Wurk dis-qualifications:
- Have a big mothafuckin' willy.
- Ain't got no bread. Ain't got no blow.
- Fool got AIDS.
edit Recruitin' a ho
You go an' find you a bitch, grab yo' mothafuckin' balls, and tell her ta be yo' ho. Tell'r somethin' like:
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| Bitch, I buy new hos fo' sho'. A few shots, a broad, that make you drop. Then I'm'a pop two cops or more. I'm too hot, come through wit two proper hos. Playin' Tupac Shakur, gettin 'em blue socks the Law. Crooked I's the name. Man that boy hopped off the train, wearin' a platinum chain with thang. Shit, bitch, I spray clips, shots flop quicker than space ships. Then shape-shift yo' facial 'matrix' like a face-lift. So face it, mama, y'all ain't nuttin' to see. Ain't a nigga alive who fuckin' wit me. My left blow connect so hard yo' head, Bitch, let's go ho yo' ass instead . |
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Dawg, - bitch hea' that shit an' she be putty in yo' hands.
edit Whut kinda bitch you want ta wurk yo' hood?
You got ta choose yo' ho. You got black hos, white hos, and brown hos.. so whut'choo want? My experience as Super Pimp sayin' that the best bitch to be yo' ho is a mothafuckin' big-bad-mama. That's coz they can go da stretch, homey, and make yo' fancy ass shine like a ten-penny finishin' nail.
edit How much you pay da bitch?
Shiiit, you gonna ask a chump-change question - an' I'm'a pop-a-cap in yo' ass, mo fo. I don' know whut choo gonna pay yo' ho coz I ain't even seen da bitch, fool. An it depend on da bitch too. If you pimpin' Oprah, man, you can ask a mothafuckin' T note. But if you pimpin' some big-bad-mama then 50 cent be a lot, ya hea?
edit Thang
You ain't neva' seen a bitch gonna turn down my bad-ass proposal. That's why I's the "super-pimp". I's so mothafuckin' bad I could get the Pope's bitch ta wurk my hood. And that shit ain't no jive, Jackson!
edit Check it out, homeboy
- U.S. DOJ guide to street hos
- How to pimp a ho, a 1999 documentary 'bout interviews with some pimps in the U.S.
- More on pimps
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