HowTo:Perform a decent Job Interview

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Learning how to perform a succesful job interview is your first step towards the wonderful world of business. The first impression you make is always crucial, because it's based on your appearance that your interviewer will decide whether he has to deal with a good-for-nothing hippie or with somebody who is trustworthy and willing to commit 100% to the business.

edit Make Your CV Attractive

First step: create a decent CV! How many applicants failed because their CV was worse than George Best's second liver?

Misconception No.1 : hirers don't read the CVs... WRONG!
Of course they read them! What would be the purpose of making a CV if they weren't?

edit Goal: Zero Mispelling

Misconception No.2 : you can make a few spelling mistakes on your CV... WRONG!
Mispellings indicate that you have a disorganised and stupid personnality, maybe even that you're mentally deficient.

TEST

Between these two candidates for a professional speller job, who do you think the hirer chose?




Of course the first candidate got the job because there is NO MISPELLING on his CV! If your are lousy at spelling: ask for somebody's help!

Don't forget : don't let there be any mispelling in your CV!

edit Smile, You Are On Your CV!

Nowadays, in the internet age, it seems impossible not to put a picture on your CV. This essential addition will allow the hirer to verify that your race actually is caucasian, and that you are not lying about your age. You will obviously choose a picture on which you look good and makes the hirer want to make love or drink a beer with you.

TEST

Between those two candidates applying for a stewardess job, which one did the hirer choose in your opinion?

Photoid1

Candidate number 1


Photoid2

Candidate number 2

It's obviously candidate number 1 who got the job! Why? Because she is young, pretty and, most important, the picture was taken on a white background! Candidate number 2 is old, poorly combed and most important: the picture was taken in her living room!

Don't forget :

  • Put a picture in which you are young and healthy
  • Give priority to being attractive
  • If possible: avoid being African or Middle-Eastern. If you cannot avoid it, wear a tie.
  • Use a real ID photo rather than a joke-photo like the ones you can buy in amusement parks after the Log Flume.

edit Content

Misconception No.3 : Good presentation is enough to have an interesting CV... WRONG!
The hirers are interested in your work experience, your diplomas and your hobbies as well! They don't judge only the CV's presentation!

What should I mention in my CV! Come on, that's obvious!

  • your diplomas
  • your professional experience
  • your hobbies, if they are interesting and if they are related to the job you're applying for!

Purge your CV to keep only the facts that allow the hirer to see the connections between your competences and the job you want to get! For example, if you have work experience as a jet pilot, don't forget to mention it if you are applying for a jet pilot job.

edit FAQ

I'm an elf-magician level 100 in World Of Warcraft, can I mention it on my CV?

Absolutely not! Except if you are applying as a game tester, the hirer isn't interested at all in your video game competences!

I can drink ten tequilas in a row without vomiting, should I put it in my CV?

Don't! The hirer could think you are an alcoholic! As a general rule, it is advised not to put any food related detail on your CV!

I spent six months in a mental institution in Grimsby with depression, is it wise to mention it in my CV?

You'd better avoid mentioning it! If you have any mental illness, no matter if it's minor neurosis or a serious bipolar trouble, you should better hide it if you want to be hired by a company.

TEST

Between these two candidates applying for a nursery assistant job, which one did the hirer choose in your opinion?




The first applicant got the job, because she was able to demonstrate her experience and to give concrete examples! The second candidate wasn't able to enhance a lacunar CV, and by mentioning frequent periods spent in jail he shows a bad image of himself! The length of the CV can't be relied upon: it's is better to have a brief CV showing aptitudes related to the proposed job than having a long tedious CV completely unrelated to the job you are applying for!

Don't forget: put only work related facts on your CV . Be positive and omit all unpleasant events!

edit Take Care Over Your Appearance

Misconception No.4 : you can go to your job interview dressed like a hobo, it doesn't matter... WRONG!
Interviewers are people like you and me: they despise tramps! It is important to be presentable!

edit Choose your Clothes

When attending a job interview, it is fundamental to carefully choose your dress! Try to wear a dress consistent with the job you are applying for! For example if you have an interview in a bank, wear a tie. On the other hand, wearing a tie isn't necessary to attend an interview for a job as Mickey Mouse at a Disneyland Resort.

edit Example 1

Yuppie353464

OK

Mickey453435

NO

Between the two dresses shown here, we can observe that the one on the left is more appropriate when applying for a position as a banker.

If you were going to the interview dressed like on the right picture, you would look ridiculous, and you might risk not getting the job.


edit Example 2

Mickey453435

OK

Yuppie353464

NO

On the other hand, if you are applying for a post as Mickey Mouse, the suit on the left is much more suitable than the one on the right.

If you were going to the interview dressed like the man on the right picture, there would be a big chance that the hirer would consider you as a stupid and pathetic asshole who doesn't look like Mickey Mouse at all.

edit Don't Forget

Don't forget: show intelligence when you choose your dress. If you don't possess any intelligence, ask for somebody's help. If you don't have enough money to buy an appropriate dress, it is preferable to apply for another job which is more within your grasp.

edit Sniff Sniff, What is that Smell?!

ATTENTION! A lot of job-seekers tend to neglect bodily hygiene when attending a job interview. And yet, hygiene is FUNDAMENTAL. That's why it's important to take a shower, brush your teeth and shave (if you are a woman, the previous advice does not apply to you[1]) before slipping into clean clothes !

TEST

Find out in the following list what is OK and what is NOT OK:

  • Smelling sweat: OK - NOT OK
  • Washing your hair with shampoo: OK - NOT OK
  • Rolling around in mud: OK - NOT OK
  • Brushing your teeth: OK - NOT OK
  • Washing your feet: OK - NOT OK
  • Putting cheese in your jacket pockets: OK - NOT OK
  • Cutting your fingernails: OK - NOT OK
  • Washing your hands with compost (trap): OK - NOT OK
  • Doing your hair using hair gel: OK - NOT OK
  • Doing your hair using blood, spit or snivel: OK - NOT OK


ANSWERS
  • Smelling sweat: OK - NOT OK
  • Washing your hair with shampoo: OK - NOT OK
  • Rolling around in mud: OK - NOT OK
  • Brushing your teeth: OK - NOT OK
  • Washing your feet: OK - NOT OK
  • Putting cheese in your jacket pockets: OK - NOT OK
  • Cutting your fingernails: OK - NOT OK
  • Washing your hands with compost: OK - NOT OK
  • Doing your hair using hair gel: OK - NOT OK
  • Doing your hair using blood, spit or snot: OK - NOT OK

Don't forget: be clean. Don't let a piece of salad between your teeth or a cheesy fart ruin your interview!


TEST

Between these two candidates applying for a position as a human resources manager in a competitive multinational company, which one will get the job?

Recrut1

Candidate n°1


Recrut2

Candidate n°2

Here again it is candidate number one who will be selected:

  • faultless dress (suit)
  • stylishness
  • apparent professionalism (tie)

The second candidate didn't do any effort regarding his appearance in regard to the job he's applying for:

  • inadequate dress (pea jacket)
  • poorly concealed aggression
  • casual efforts to appear youthful (dirty diaper) would be perceived as being in bad taste

edit The Interview

Misconception No.5: you can do anything you want during the interview, you can be sure you'll get the job... WRONG!
The interviewer is going to form his opinion about your competences and also about your behavior during the interview, and this will be critical for your employment. Don't neglect the home stretch!

edit Behaviour

Nuvola apps important
Take care!
Don't withdraw into yourself! Be aware that silence can be mistaken for contempt!

Body movements are also very important! Don't be overbearing during the interview because the hirer could take it badly! First and foremost:

  • don't show your fists
  • don't growl and show your teeth
  • don't adopt a hateful and provocative manner
  • don't fight

On the opposite, an excess of submissiveness can lead the interviewer to think you are naive. Find the happy medium between moderate aggression and apathy.

  • don't wink at him
  • don't be sexually engaging: don't show your anatomy, don't make explicit gestures with your mouth or hip

Don't forget to listen to your interviewer. Look at him right into his eyes, but not all the time, because it would be very awkward for him! Don't look away for the whole interview. Once again, try to have a well balanced behaviour, imitate the normal people's conversations. Don't panic! If you feel tense, remember these pieces of advice to overcome your stress:

  • don't run
  • breath deeply while counting up to 3
  • don't shout
  • don't cry

Finally, don't forget to be polite! The interviewer would feel a little baffled if you behave really vulgarly. Don't spit on the floor in front of him! If you cannot avoid it, spit unobtrusively in a paper towel and put it back in your pocket. If you would like to fart, hold it! Even if it is a silent one, you would risk being exposed because of the smell. If the interviewer farts, pretend nothing happened.

edit Interview Conduct

Nuvola apps important
Take care!
Be polite! Don't insult the interviewer's mother, he could take it badly!

Let the interviewer conduct the interview. Answer to his questions by advertising yourself, tell him what you are interested in the job you're applying for. Don't tell your entire life. The hirer isn't interested in your grandmother, or in your children, and even less in your sex life. Therefore, there is no need to tell him you are a bisexual swinger, except if you are applying for a top executive position at Exxon.

Address the interview as a normal conversation. Tell about your professional experience, and stick to the training-professional context. You are not having lunch with friends and you are not at a picnic: don't eat during the interview, not even a sandwich. Likewise, don't smoke, don't drink, and don't start shooting heroin while your interviewer is speaking.

Don't try to show-off by pretending you are a celebrity, even if you look a bit like one. Don't ask personal questions to the interviewer about his life, hygiene or salary. Likewise, during the interview, don't try to steal things from his pockets, even if it is only small things (pen, lighter, watch...etc).

The hirer is interested in your capabilities, not in your talents. Especially don't do any of the following performances, except if they are related to the job you're applying for:

  • burping the alphabet
  • playing flute
  • juggling with erasers
  • making fart noises with your armpits

You will have plenty of time to do all this if you manage to get hired.

edit Congratulations, You Have Been Hired!

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know that...
You are a WINNER![2]

Congratulations, you've followed this guide to the letter and you finally managed to get this accountant's assistant job you were dreaming about. You've accomplished your vocation and you've reached the stars, your childhood dream has finally come true: you are going to photocopy invoices in a medical prothesis company!

This guide ends on your unparalleled success as a job-seeker. We might have helped you a little, but it's YOU and YOU ALONE who got the job! Bravo!

Mobbing

Congratulations! You have to admit that is was really worth it!

  1. Unless you are Scottish of course
  2. Because you got the job
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