HowTo:Obtain Prescribed Drugs from the NHS
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Let's face it, the NHS is an easy target; their finances are haemorrhaging like a menstrual haemophiliac rhinoceros with fibroids. The admins (of the NHS, not the fine and dandy geniuses of this here website) couldn't find their arses with both hands and MRSA is like the new Bubonic Plague, threatening to make you more ill than you were before you went to hospital.
For those of us with a more Machiavellian out-look on life would see this as an opportunity to kick the bastards while they are down and use them to get what we really want, i.e. free prescription psycho-active drugs that we don't even need. What could be better then, than to Obtain Prescribed Drugs From The NHS?
The reasons for wanting to get various unnecessary medication are numerous. Popular examples include:
1. Wanting to be one of those "oh-so-fashionable" junkies (i.e. Pete Doherty) but not having the guts to break the law to obtain heroin, methadone etc.
2. Being an ex-hippie entering a mid-life crisis and wanting to get high, but being too middle-class to go up to those awful council estates to get some biff.
3. Wanting to re-enact the plot of the movie "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas", but in Blackpool and on a lower budget.
4. Having been screwed over by the mental health system by not being given either the free drugs or the benefits those lying bastards promised you while you were in the clinic for two weeks following your nervous breakdown/drunken rampage/work-place massacre.
edit Approaching your G.P
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And so like a lawyer black-mailing an elderly cancer patient into getting a cut of the will by placing his fingers threateningly on the morphine drip valve, we must get to the sordid business of learning how to get some uppers, downers, screamers and indeed, laughers.
The best place to start is at the surgery of your local physician. They are tetchy, nasty pieces of work and will do pretty much anything to get rid of you and get on with that cervical smear they've been wanking over all morning. Having run the rigmarole of finally getting to see your doctor, it is probably best to keep it simple. Severe joint pain, depression, high anxiety, chronic diarrhoea and tension headaches are all easy to fake and are innocuous enough to be treated with a simple course of drugs.
Remember to act as well as you can and to be as persistent as possible. Don't let the bastard win! Looking up symptoms beforehand and acting out the ones that would most commonly lead to the drug you want is advisable. The British National Formulary is an indispensable tool for this technique. However, be careful not to over do it by having all the symptoms of any given illness. Your doctor may well buy such bizarre afflictions as postural hypotension and erectile dysfunction if it means you'll leave him in peace, but acute renal failure just isn't going to cut it. After all, he's incompetent, not stupid. Remember, as surly as he may well be, he has a degree in medicine and you haven't, so try not to push your luck.
edit The Holy Grail of Medical Mong-Dom - The Referral
If you have done really well, or if your doctor is just plain lazy and enjoys passing the buck, you may be lucky enough to get a referral to another clinic of some kind (if this is a S.T.D. clinic, you may have been acting too hard - see above). Physio-therapists should be treated as even more incompetent G.Ps with the following exceptions:-
1. They are all either brainless twenty-somethings with a GCSE in P.E. or aging female aroma-therapists. You therefore don't need to bamboozle them with medical terms as you did your G.P. Too many words with more than three syllables will make their wittle bwains dwibble out of their nosey-wosey.
2. Lie about the exercises. No-one does the exercises. Not even people who actually are in pain. Life is just too short.
3. Emphasise the pain as much as possible. Of course it's getting worse, Mr Physio. I need more morphine Mr. Physio.
The true gateway to cheap legal stoney-ness is the Psychiatrist/Psychologist. These guys are a real challenge and should prove to be an amusing diversion to even the most experienced pill-popper. They hold the keys to a medicine cabinet of truly biblical proportions. On the other hand, they also have they power to put you in a straight-jacket with an arseful of diazepam faster than you can say "Holy shit, I just got Sectioned!!!", so you need to proceed with care.
As with the G.P. use easy to fake afflictions such as depression, insomnia and chronic anxiety. Phobias and night terrors are also good, but should be in a bizarre, but still dehabilitating areas of life such as semen, the elderly and 1980's style hair-cuts.
Claiming to hear voices is strictly not recommended!!!
Other wise preparations include drawing slash marks with a red felt tip pen across your wrist, carrying razor blades in your pockets and quoting misanthropic authors/philosophers/playwrights such as George Orwell, Jean-Paul Satre and Voltaire. Most psych's are middle class and will understand the deep and poignant under-tones of such quotations. After all, they will stop suspecting that you are faking your way into low-cost drug abuse if you don't sound like some council house dwelling, Burberry-clad oik.
If your acting is good enough you should have got some pills of a colourful, but confusing nature. Pills from the psych fall into two categories:-
1. Instant fix. These include such lovely delights as diazepam and valium. These are quick to kick in and have an impressive sedative effect. However, they wear off in mere hours and will only be a short course; going back for more will be utterly fruitless and so you may need to stockpile and/or ration these.
2. Slow and Steady. These include such drugs as anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and Ritalin. These drugs will be a long term course and could be prescribed for up to several years. However, their effects are nowhere near as spectacular as instant fixes and often cause addiction to the drug prescribed. This means that when the tight-arsed bitch finally stops giving them to you, you will be on the-downer-of-the-Sultans. You have been warned.
edit Other resources you may consider
1. Over-the-counter pain-killers. You will need to get a large number of these as they are comparatively weak. But don't get them all from the same chemist for pity's sake! You don't want to come across as suicidal (see above).
2. Cough medicine. Easy to obtain and available in number of strengths and flavours. Combined with alcohol, psuedoephedrine makes for an intoxicating experience. A double vodka and Benylin goes down a treat at a sophisticated cocktail party.
3. Caffeine pills. Blue smarties for the cappuccino generation.
4. St. John's Wort. To hell if I know what it is, but it does have a cool name.
5. Laxatives. Always good for a laugh. And for chronic constipation, obviously.
The other trick that you may consider trying is signing yourself up for a human drugs trial. Not only do you get the medication you want, but sometimes they pay you as well! However, there are always two possible negative outcomes of being part of a drugs trial:
1. You get the drugs. They work. They turn out to be dangerous. You are a vegetable for the rest of your (short) life.
2. You think you have taken some bizarre substance and are now nicely of your tits. You find out that you were in the control group. You had actually taken placebos. You look/feel like a complete twat.
Other options include faking your way into a re-hab clinic for methadone hand-outs, rooting around in the skip at the back of the hospital, mugging other patients as they walk out of the doctor's surgery with their prescriptions and actually seeing a real god-damned drug dealer.
edit Good Luck
By now, if there is any justice left in the world, you should be slipping into an altered state of consciousness courtesy of everyone's favourite waste of tax money. All that remains is to say good luck, goodbye and don't sue me if you're fined or you nearly die as a result of not following the guide correctly.
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