HowTo:Murder Your Wife On A Budget
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Have you and your partner drifted apart? No longer share the same interests? Can’t afford a cage of lions?
For most, this step would have been already completed a few years ago. If this is not the case, you may choose to go through the longer path by actually dating a girl, then marrying her. This method can become expensive if you spend a large amount of money on the wedding, and involves a large time investment.
For those in a hurry, wives can be purchased from your local supermarket. They come in frozen, dried and canned varieties. If you have a few dollars to spare, the frozen ones are the higher quality. When purchasing, look for the ones that are the least decomposed, so that it appears more authentic.
edit Step 2: Plan the method unless your wife is hot like Lynn
Anybody can murder their wife. But it takes time and effort to murder a wife on a budget. There have been too many stories of men drowning themselves in debt trying to murder their wives in lavish ways, using gold-plated guns and diamond-encrusted knives. It is imperative to stick to a budget, and one does this by carefully planning out the method. Remember, all good wife murders involve some degree of planning.
edit Work out how much you can spend
Don’t make this a financial burden on yourself. Keep in mind that your budget won’t include just the chemicals or equipment, but also disposal costs, funeral costs and spending time with and/or speaking to the in-laws. You can save money by disposing the body yourself. Funeral costs can be reduced by using plastic flowers, holding the service in your backyard and not inviting anybody to the funeral, not even the Priest. An alternative method is to make sure the body of your wife is not found, so that a funeral can’t be held. Make sure you hide the body in a good place. Speaking to the in-laws can be avoided by killing them at the same time.
edit How will you actually conduct the murder?
This will be the largest component of your budget. Will it be slow and painful, or fast and not-so-painful? A slow and painful murder will require more effort, and potentially the cost of the procedure could become larger than expected. However, for those that have been married for a period of 5 years or longer, this method is recommended. A fast and not-so-painful death will allow you more time to find a new partner. It will be more expensive per minute than other methods. Your own personal tastes (pun intended) will also come into your decision making. For example, you may not like the sight of blood. In this case, you can hire somebody else to do the job for you. There are various methods of actually extinguishing your spouse.
- Bare hands. No weapons, tools, or poison, just murder as God intended (of course he did. Why else would he have given us brains to plot murder with and opposable thumbs to kill with?). You may be tempted to break her neck, but trust me, it's not as easy as they make it out in the movies. There's a lot of bone, tendon, muscle and stuff in a neck. So unless you're really strong, or well trained in using your hands as a weapon- like a ninja or William Shatner- you're better off with strangulation. Make sure to keep going until breathing ceases, otherwise she might just pass out, and when she wakes up- well, as they say, hell hath no fury like a woman who has had an unsuccessful attempt made on her life by her husband. You'll totally be in the doghouse. Budget: 0$. This is one of the cheapest ways to murder your wife, since you already have hands. Well, unless you were involved in a tragic farm accident, in which case you, my friend, are just S.O.L.
- Blunt object. An old standby. The trick here is that the blunt object must be not just blunt, but also dense and hard. Many amateurs forget this important point and attempt to bludgeon their spouse with volleyballs, sponges, cushions, whiffleball bats, onions, and soforth. Budget: 0$. You probably have lots of blunt objects lying around the house, just waiting to be used as a weapon, so you don't have to spend any money!
- Sharp object. Another oldy-but-a-goody. The Ginsu corporation makes some good cheap knives. The trick here is don't overdo it on the cheap part. Plastic cutlery and sharpened sticks may work, but they take some serious effort. Budget: 5-15$.
- Gun. The problem with guns is that guns are way expensive. Have you checked out Wal-Mart? They want like 100$ for a pistol. And ammunition isn't cheap, either. So you're best just borrowing a gun and bullets from someone. Since he will get suspicious if you give him his gun back right after your wife disappears, you should probably shoot him too.
- Hire someone else. The problem here is that murder is not cheap. Even the guy at McDonald's is making $5.15 an hour and spouse murder is a lot more demanding than flipping burgers. Your average thug won't murder a wife for less than a few thousand, and professional contract killers charge tens of thousands. The solution is to hire an illegal immigrant. Sure, this takes jobs away from hard-working American hired killers, but do you want to murder your wife or not? Tip: when the deed is done, pretend to be really upset, and that you actually wanted him to trim the hedges, not kill your wife, and that it was due to a typo in your English-Spanish phrasebook. Threaten to deport him if he ever tells what he did.
edit Step 3: Actually murdering your wife
While this step may appear obvious to some, statistics show that this is the most overlooked step. Remember to keep within your budget, and to stick to your original plan. Unless, of course, you don’t want to actually murder your wife anymore.
edit Be prepared
Before you actually get to the murdering, ensure you have your weapons prepared, and have the appropriate safety equipment on. You may dislike your wife, but that is no reason to not be wearing safety glasses or correct headwear. Make sure that you obtain the correct licenses or permits, and that you have obtained all your materials in a legal way. There is nothing worse than behaving in an immoral or illegal fashion while murdering your wife.
Choosing the right time and place is extremely important. You may wish to avoid murdering your wife in the middle of a busy street, or in the background of the news report.
edit Step 4: Destroying the evidence
edit Your wife
If you want to save on funeral costs, you will need to dispose of the body of your recently deceased wife. Dumping the body in your household rubbish bin is not advised. If you find this part difficult, remind yourself that you will be saving yourself more money than if you hired a professional. Tip: watch Fargo or Deliverance for ideas. I personally like the concrete shoes method myself. Just find a nice high bridge on some less traveled road at night. Wrap her nice in tight in a sheet with some nylon rope, it won't rot like other kinds, and you can also use the extra length on the end to tie up some nice heavy cement blocks. Make sure you drop her over head first as the blocks will hinder the throw, and blocks will follow. And there you have it..... an ex wife display at the bottom of a river...
Any equipment used in the murder should be destroyed, for example knives that still have your wife’s spleen on them. Should police raid your house, it might be an idea to not leave them on your coffee table. If planned in the winter time, which might be advisable if you can hold out that long, Personal preference would be a nice long sharp icicle. It will leave no evidence because it will just melt away. No fingerprints, no proof..
edit Other persons
If you paid someone else to murder the wife for you, they count as evidence. As the hitman is now evidence, he will also have to be disposed of. At this point, you can hire a second hitman to kill the first hitman, and so on, until you ironically die.
Unfortunately, as you have read this guide to this point, you actually count as evidence and also need to be disposed of. Please reread article replacing "wife" with "oneself" as you go along. You can alternatively destroy your computer, but this adds to cost substantially.