HowTo:Migrate to and become a Citizen of the United States
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
America. Land of the free, home of the brave, and free refills. It's every Romanian farmer/gypsies dream, becoming an American. But before you can get on that plane, you need to learn the essentials in order to successfully become a full fledged citizen in the eyes of those who already inhabit this fine land. From the creators of HowTo:Travel to and Through the Southern United States, It is; How To: Migrate to and become a Citizen of the United States.
edit Freedom for Those who Pay
While you may think that becoming a citizen of this fine land is free and easy, it isn't. Green cards are expensive, and a full fledged citizenship certificate is even more so. This due to the fact that the great nation of the U.S is in a bit of debt, approximately 14 trillion dollars worth. The landslide of debt was triggered by a careless C.I.A agent known as "Felix", who gambled away the emergency funds in a high stakes poker game (he was quoted saying "does it look like we need the money?"). The U.S has to make revenue up somewhere, and this was just a way to get that revenue however, don't think that because you can't afford the astronomical costs of becoming a citizen that you shouldn't try to become one anyways. This article will break it down into a three category process: One; Migration, which will cover how to get into the United States Two; Integration, which will cover how to integrate yourselves into the American Life Three; Final Steps, which will cover the steps you need to take in order to call yourself an American citizen. So without further delay, let's start.
This is, by far, the most difficult, and most dangerous task of the entire process. As with everything in this process, it's all about money. Jet fare is expensive and is very time consuming depending on where you come from. Boats are even slower, and leave you with the possibility of never making it to your final destination (see Titanic). This leaves you with only a few options, which all eventually boil down to one option; illegal immigration. While it may seem a bit extreme to risk your livelihood in order to make it to America, it is the cheapest option available. Now if your coming from a place like Mexico, all you have to do is hop over a fence and your in! Coming from Cuba? Just build a small boat out of a car and land in Miami in a couple of hours. However, it's not as easy as it sounds. While Cuba and Mexico have obvious advantages, no matter where you come from, every illegal immigrant shares the same common enemy; Border Patrol.
edit Border Patrol
This is where the danger factor comes in. Today's America has become increasingly difficult to access by foreign immigrants. Border Patrol has stepped up their game, in a determined effort to make sure that no more fence jumpers make it across the border to steal American jobs. Border Patrol agents are also notorious for having itchy trigger fingers, and will shoot an illegal immigrant the first chance they get. In order to increase your chances of slipping through their grasp and surviving, an outline has been provided below on how to make it in to the U.S in the most discrete and successful way.
edit Starting location
While you might think the closer the better, it's actually the exact opposite. Starting from countries such as Cuba or Mexico actually increase your chances astronomically of getting caught, and paying the ultimate price; deportation, which will result in a lower success rate of you being successful again. You also shouldn't choose a starting location that is in the Middle East, as you will be branded a "terrorist" if caught. The best possible location would be from Europe or former Soviet States, since no one pays attention to them most of the time. There are however, certain countries in Europe that should not be used as starting locations. The include Russia, France, Germany, Italy, and a slew of other high profile countries. For this article purpose, we will the country of Romania. Romania is a perfect starting point because of it's low profile and distance from America, a perfect combination.
edit Methods of Travel
Since hopping on a plane or boat as a traveler has been ruled out, you must explore other options. there are a number of ways to travel to America, with the number only limited by your imagination. A list of the most successful ways has been listed below.
- Hiding in the cargo hold: It's a free ride to your destination. The one key thing to remember is to get off at the right location. Your plane landing isn't a solid indication that you've arrived in America. Your best bet is to hop aboard large planes, since they do most of the trans-Atlantic flying. American planes are also a sure fire way to get you into the country as well, although it could be a bit longer before you actually land in America. In order to carry this out successfully, have a partner box you up in a cardboard box. Then have the partner give the address of your desired location (making sure it's vague enough to not end up on someones porch, which will decrease your chances of survival dramatically). Get proper postage, and have them drop it off at the nearest postal office. Make sure that before your sealed up, you've also packed enough oxygen to make it through your flight, as the cargo hold isn't pressurized. Also pack some blankets and some food, and entertainment if you choose.
- Hiding in the wheel-well of the aircraft: One known attempt succeeded when a Soviet defector jumped into the wheel well shortly before take off, landing in New York a while later. This method is only recommended if funds are low, or if your country has laws against overweight packaging. Note that survival is dependent once again on you having enough oxygen and maintain your internal body temperature. You must also watch out for the landing gear mechanism on landing. Finding yourself clinging to the wheel shortly before touchdown will not result in survival.
- Military Defection: This process is more drawn out and will take, in some cases, a few years to complete. First, enlist in your countries Air Force. Now hopefully, your countries pilot standards are much lower than those of the U.S, and admittance is almost guaranteed. Sign up to be a fighter pilot, go through pilot training school, and get your wings. Before take off, make sure your aircraft has enough fuel to at least land in America's territorial waters. While flying in a training flight, discretely break off from the squad, and set your course for America. This plan hinges directly on you being a fighter pilot, so you can hopefully outrun any pursuers trying to shoot you down. Also of great importance is that you radio in to an American controller of some sort, so as you are not shot down by the Americans as well (if you don't and they scramble jets, death is 100% guaranteed). Note that a military style defection usually results in immediate interrogations by military officials on the state of your former residence. However, the payoff is usually immediate citizenship with no cost!
edit By Sea
While Large Cruise ships are ruled out because of their high cost and tendency to only dock in wealthy countries, the sea is still quite a viable method of reaching America.
- Stow Away: This is the classic case. Jump (discretely) on board a ship heading out to sea, and hide until you dock. Make sure that your ship is definitely going to America, as ending up in another country besides America defeats the whole purpose of being a stow away, especially if the country you dock in is worse than the one your leaving.
- Build your own boat: This is quite simple. First, find some old barrels that are hole free, some rope, tin roofing material, a small motor, some sort of motor (from a car possibly), a prop, and some duct-tape. All your boat has to do is withstand the sea long enough to get you into the U.S. A car can also be used as the main body of the boat, as made famous by the Cubans. It is recommended that you test you boat in calm waters before attempting the official launch, as a leak at sea will most likely result in you and possible party members meeting Davey Jones. It is recommended that you launch your boat at night or the early morning hours to avoid detection. Once sailing, have your navigator plot a course (if you didn't get a navigator...) towards America. Note that the optimal launching point is somewhere in France, since the distance you must cross is smaller than if you were to just set out where you live (as this might not even be possible). Note that while the distance between Russia and America is smaller, it is highly recommended you avoid trying to launch in the Bering Sea, for many obvious reasons (if you are unaware of these risks, watch Deadliest Catch. If Deadliest Catch isn't available in your country, visit the Russian coast where the Bering Sea is).
Note that for all of these methods by sea, you will have to contend with the Coast Guard. the best way to combat this is to stay out of U.S territorial waters and instead land in Canada, where their Coast Guard is more relaxed and accepting of people who crash into their shoreline. Note that all you have to say is that your boat sunk and this is your life boat. You can then cross the easy going U.S Canada border and continue on.
edit By Land
Only possible if you live in Mexico, Canada, Central America, or South America. Since Mexico is automatically eliminated, so is Central and South America, leaving only Canada. As mentioned earlier coming from Canada into the United States is quite simple, just walk across.
edit Preparations Before you Leave
Before you set to the seas or skies, there are certain steps you need to take to ensure that your landing in America goes successfully.
edit Blending in
This will be dealt with on a more broader scale later on, so only a few modifications to your outward image will be required.
- Traditional Attire: While wearing sheep skin and blankets is common dress in Romania, this is not true in America, the worlds most fashionable country. To make sure that no one suspects you of being an illegal immigrant, you should wear something along the lines of jeans and a T-shirt. It's not important what kind they are, just as long as your wearing them. You should also pick up the following to complete your new look:
- Dark Sunglasses: All Americans have a pair
- A baseball cap: Buy your cap based on your target location (buying a New York Yankees hat when you land in Boston will result in unwanted consequences).
- Hooded Sweatshirt: Americans wear these
NOTE!! DO NOT WEAR ALL THREE OF THESE AT THE SAME TIME!!! You could be mistaken for a criminal, and depending on which city you land in, you will die in a number of varying ways.
This will be very difficult if you don't speak English. However, there is the option of playing a mute, which always works on your average American today. This will also be dealt with in greater detail later.
edit Choosing a Landing Location
This is just as important as your launching location. For Simpler purposes, the article has divided the coastline of America into three separate parts, where their characteristics have been listed below.
edit Eastern Coast
When landing from France and other parts of Europe, this is the shortest route. The characteristics of the East are of a rough and tumble life of gangsters and thugs. Major cities are New York, Newark, and Boston. All three cities are crime ridden to the point that a mugging is guaranteed if you walk down any unpopulated street. Maine is the wisest location to land in, as few inhabitants are bothered with matters such as immigrants. However, if you must land in a metro area, choose Boston, as New York and Newark are unforgiving to new people such as yourself.
edit West Coast
This is the best option if landing from Asia and the Far Eastern parts of Russia. Major metro ares include the city of California, and Some parts of Seattle. This coastline is more forgiving than the East Coast. Most people here are either too busy getting high or surfing to really care about anything. In fact, you can just about land your boat on any beach there is, and not be arrested, just so long as you don't hit any surfers or get eaten by sharks.
edit Southern Coast/Gulf Coast
AVOID THE GULF COAST AT ALL COST. REPEAT: AVOID THE SOUTHERN COAST/GULF COAST AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENTER TERRITORIAL WATERS IN THIS AREA, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LAND ON ANY BEACHES, DO NOT INTERACT WITH ANY BOATS YOU SEE NEAR THIS AREA.
edit Final Preparations
Make sure that before you leave for your voyage/flight, you have completed the following steps:
- Burn down your house: Extreme as it might be, this will help to erase any evidence the authorities might look for to try and get you deported.
- Sell all your belongings: NOTE; DO THIS BEFORE BURNING DOWN YOUR HOUSE!! This will help you with expenses that you'll encounter upon arrival in America. Just go to the customs agency and get your currency exchanged for American bills.
- Get a fake green card: DO THIS BEFORE YOU LEAVE! This will help you with any run ins with the authorities. All countries have fake green card makers, just seek one out and buy one.
- Buy a hat: this will distract people from your overall appearance, especially if the hat is of the trucker origin.
The time has arrived for you to end this life, and begin anew in the United States. Simply follow the outlined steps above according to the method of travel you have chosen. Be prepared for anything, as accidents do happen.
edit Certain Situations/Emergencies
While the probability is low, some things can go wrong during your trip. A list of some of these things, including solutions, has been listed below:
- Your plane/boat fails to leave: For whatever reason, your transportation has decided not to transport you, or anyone else for that matter. Wait a few moments and check out what's going on. If the problem is:
- Time related, just wait, you'll eventually leave.
- Mechanical, wait until they fix the problem. However, if you see or smell smoke, it is generally advised that you leave the premise immediately, and explosion may be imminent.
- Your homemade boat begins to sink: Begin bailing as fast as you can. If the water is coming in faster than you can bail, prepare to abandon ship, and ready the lifeboat (if you didn't build a lifeboat, either bail faster, or make the boat go faster).
edit You Have Landed
This is it. Months, years, months, and more years of hard work have finally paid off. You are in America. However, do not think that your troubles are over yet, as there is much work to be done. the first thing you need to do is remove any evidence of your landing if you built a boat, and immediately leave the area as quickly as you can. Using the money you acquire from your garage sale (if you didn't hold one...), exchange it for American dollars and buy some new clothing from the G.A.P, Old Navy, or Hollister. While these clothes may seem overly expensive for something of very little use, buying them from these stores will help ensure your not picked out by the general public as an outsider, and eventually deported/shot. Once you have bought your clothes, exit the store (use a lantern if your in Hollister to find the exit). Put your new clothes on, and through whatever means necessary, acquire a map of the United States. Now comes the crucial part; choosing what part of the United States to call your permanent home.
edit Sectors of the United States
The United States is divided into 6 sectors. these are known as the East Coast, West Coast, Midwest, The West, The South, and the great lake states. Furthermore, there are 5 subsections of the U.S that are unique enough to warrant their own category. These areas are the Deep South, California, Alaska, Texas, and Hawaii. This section will analyze each section based on their pros and cons and geographical location.
edit East Coast (marked in dark blue)
As stated before in the landing zone portion, the East Coast is a rough and tumble place around the edges. However, once you move farther inland, you find that it is mostly made up of farmland and mountains. For people who are looking to start their new American lives the true and honest way, or the hard way, this is the area for you. Note though, that some states will prove to be more of a challenge than others
edit New York
New York is by far the toughest state to live in in the East. With its lack of anything exciting (note that the city of New York is not actually a part of New York State), Upstate New Yorkers are regularly found dead in their homes, either from boredom, or by suicide because of boredom. It is also rumoured that dragons live in this part of the state, so be wary of settling down here.
edit New Jersey
While officially disowned by the U.S, New Jersey is inevitably a dirty, ugly piece of fabric in the large sweater that is the United States. New Jersey is unique as it's population is zero, on account that the entire state is empty during the weekends. New Jersey is only used as a place of employment, as well as the Federal site for dumping toxic waste in the U.S. Choosing New Jersey as a place of employment is fine, but to live there would make no sense.
Pennsylvania has often been doubted as being part of The East. Because most of it's residents are somewhat behind on the times, and the fact that most of the state is actually made up of covert republicans, the state has been accused of being part of The South. However, because Pennsylvania is made of mostly useful farmland, and it metropolitan areas are crime ridden, it fits the bill of being in The East more than The South.
edit The Great Lakes Region (the lightish purple area)
These are all of the states in the U.S that touch the Great Lakes. This area is a mixture of farmland, and cityscape. While most states are okay to live in, the state known as Michigan is to be avoided at all costs; read below for more information.
Michigan was founded by the great Henry Ford soon after the invention of the automobile (a form of transportation). Soon, other automobile manufacturers moved in, and the state grew richer from there. All was good until 2008, when the Second Great Depression hit the land like a sledgehammer to the face. People started to suffer from a condition known as "I'm sick of driving this gas hog, and paying too much for a new car," which caused them to give up almost every major vehicle the "Big Three" was producing at that time. The states joyride ended soon after, and a mass migration out of the state soon occurred. the population has now dropped to the low 500's (depending on how many CEO's are still working in Detroit), with homeless people not part of the count. While many hope for a revival in the state, this will not happen as the U.S is preparing to sever off Michigan like you would a limb infected with gangrene.
edit The Other West Coast (the dark green area)
There are only three states that can be said of being a part of the West Coast, but really, California is the West Coast; plain and simple. So this section will talk about the other two states that live near California, and can be, geographically, included in the West Coast.
The state of Oregon is made up of 50% lumberjacks, 10% fisherman, 5% grunge bands, and 35% unclassified. Oregon is a heavily wooded area, hence the large percentage of lumberjacks. This is the main source of income for the state, with wood being it's only export. Living in this state is quite alright, just be prepared to do some work for your money, and your home, and your property. In other words, your going to have to cut down all the trees on your property, turn them into a log cabin, and turn the rest into mush and print your own money (not illegal in this state, as the Federal Reserve has been unable to reach this state due to the heavily wooded border with California, making it impassible).
edit The Real West Coast/California (the lighter green with pink area)
This is the one you want, California. With it's laws as strong as twine, you can just about get away with murder in the State of California. You will find the people here are pretty laid back when it comes to everything. this is not due to their way of thinking, it's due to the fact that a strange plant known as Mary Jane, effects its population very much so. With Weather a constant sunny and 80 degrees, it's the perfect destination for a new resident such as yourself. Be warned though, that the prices of everything, just like it's residents, is as high as the 747 you hid in on your way here. If you plan to live here, don't tell anyone, and just start living in some abandoned home (new ones are common due to people just leaving for no reason). Also of important note, the area known as San Francisco (the pink dot) is to be avoided most of the time, due to the overwhelming population of, what you call "the devils servants" (aka homosexuals). It should also be noted that once you leave the coast and enter the larger cities, the laid back qualities of this area disappear, and transform into an extremely dangerous area for foreigner, due mainly to the extremely overactive police force that patrol these large cities (aka Los Angeles, Oakland).
edit The West (The Brown Area)
Conquered by cowboys many a moons ago, this part of the United States has had a bit of a facelift in the past 40 years or so; known as Las Vegas. The West is made up of Nevada, Arizona, and New Mexico. Like California, the West is always sunny. Unlike California, it is extremely hot and dry (enough so that pieces of your skin may fall off if you used to live somewhere tropical). The only draws that anyone has to live in places like this are Las Vegas, and Reno (a Las Vegas wannabe). Note that these areas are already inhabited heavily by foreigners such as yourself. The natives (what few remain) know when to spot one, and will get you deported as soon as possible, so they can make sure you don't accidentally win the jackpot at the casino this weekend.
edit The Midwest (The Orange Area)
This area of the United States is a wholesome and honest region. This is because the population of all states combined (11) is 5 people. These people are hard working people, mostly farmers and cattle ranchers. While it will take a while for them to trust you, with some hard work, you will be accepted. Note also, that because of a low population, the U.S doesn't check up on this region a whole lot, so once your in, your good.
edit The South (The Black and Red Areas)
The South was intentionally put last in this section. Foreigners need to know certain things about this part of the United States, and nothing else. The U.S denies the existence of this part of the country, and for a person like yourself, even stepping a sliver of your foot over the line is instant death. a Southern Folk can smell the blood of a foreigner from another country within a 30 mile radius, and will find you quickly and kill you even faster. People who already inhabit the South are a different sort of breed. Living is this place would be suicidal, and we require that you choose not to live in this part of the United States in order to continue into the lower parts of this article.
edit I believe you, the South sounds like nasty business just like the gypsies back home.
Glad to see you've made the wise choice.
edit Bah! How bad can the South be?
See how far you make it in the article.
edit The smaller subsections
These are sections of the country that are too unique to be included in another section.
edit Alaska (ice colored area)
The state of Alaska is on the very edge of Canada. The state is permanently locked in an eternal winter, after the Russians put a curse on it after selling it to the U.S, just for giggles. Choosing the state of Alaska as your residence is not a wise decision. Not only is it bitter cold 365 days a year, half of that time is spent in eternal darkness (another Russian curse). The states only jobs are truck drivers who drive over frozen lakes, and fisherman, who fish in the Bering Sea (watch Deadliest Catch if this confuses you)
edit Texas (yellow area)
Texas was stolen from the Mexicans during a war in the 1800's. The Mexican government has recently launched a secret operation to slowly retake the land by flooding it with illegal immigrants, slowly making the population 100% Mexican. While the U.S would seem to want to jump at the opportunity to defend its biggest state (lie), this is not true. The U.S has long since desired to get rid of Texas, as the state's residence only like to brag about how big the state is, and eat fast food all day. For a person like yourself to try and settle down here would be impossible, as the Border Patrol presence is greater here than in any other spot in the country.
America's vacation land. While settling down here and surfing all day sounds like a pretty good deal, don't be so assured. Out of all the states that make up America, Hawaii costs the most to live in, with the average price of milk being $540 a gallon (don't even try to buy gas). The other little known fact about this string of islands is that the natives are secretly planning an uprising against the invading foreigners. The event promises to be bloody, and anyone who doesn't know how to do the hula or open a coconut with their bare hands is certainly to be killed.
edit Areas Marked with Red X's
These areas are not part of the United States, although they share the same land mass. The two areas on the edges are simply different countries, but the X in the Western part of the land mass is known as "Utah".
The land area known as Utah, is an extremely dangerous area. The area is run by the religious cult known as "Mormons", who occasionally go out on crusades looking to recruit new soldiers for their upcoming revolt. While the area claims to be a state, this is a fabricated myth used to lure people in to its supposed national parks, and then force these ill informed people to become one of them. Utah is to be avoided at all costs, even if it means blood is spilled in the process.
edit Becoming an American 101
Once you have chosen your desired living location, it is now time for you to truly become an American. Being an American is not as easy as it sounds. An average American has many different characteristics, depending on race, job type, where they live, and how much money they possess. This section will discuss how to develop your personality as an American, catered to your specific qualities.
edit Getting a Job
This is the most crucial step in the entire process of becoming an American. Jobs in America are characterized as "White Collar" or "Blue Collar".
edit White Collar
The White Collar work force isn't actually a work force at all. These people don't actually do any work at all, and are actually found in most cases to be sitting in fancy swivel chairs all day eating expensive food. They drive fancy cars (or someone drives them), and have expensive homes. While this sounds like a dream job, don't get your hopes up yet. For someone like you (and for just about every other American in the country), there is no hope of ever becoming one of these people. Most of these people got to their "jobs" through family connections and a lot of...let's move on.
edit Blue Collar
This will ultimately be your job category. While you may think all hope is lost yet, don't be so sure. Being a Blue Collar worker will earn you respect in this country fast, since people will see you as a hard working individual. There is also hope that you will be employed by a unionized company. This works well, as you make more money since your union reps have worked hard (aka beaten someone badly) to get your wages higher than they need to be. It works even better if your a state worker, because you'll also get a pension and retire with lots of money. Note, the downside to becoming a State worker is that you end up not doing any work at all, and are technically a White Collar (White Collar= No respect= higher chance of you dying).
edit Getting a Job
Now that you know what category to look for, start looking. For someone like you, this is actually very easy. Because your an illegal immigrant and have no social security number, the employer doesn't have to put you on the payroll, and pay taxes on you as well. Employers will pay you under the table, and you work like everybody Else. For ease in finding companies friendly to people like you, a list has been provided below:
- Dole Fruit Company: Uses foreigners to pick fruit out of fields in California. Law Enforcement are too busy with problems in Oakland and LA to deal with this.
- Trash Collectors: Doesn't matter who it is, they'll employ you to ride on the back and throw trash in.
- Hotel Chains: Same rules as the Trash collectors apply.
- Public Transportation: You'll end up driving buses or sweeping floors in the garage.
- Landscaping: Fix up an old truck, buy a shovel and rake and a few gardening tools at Home Depot and voila, you have an instant landscaping business of your own!
edit You Have A Job
Once you have secured a job of some sort, it is imperative that you keep this job at all costs, as this will remain your only source of income for the rest of your life in America. As mentioned before, the United States has a nasty gambling problem, and in 2008, lost a great deal of money in the form of houses and jobs when it wagered them off. Because of this terrible tragedy, jobs have been in short supply, and if you find one, your lucky to have one, so don't lose it.
edit Earning Money
Now that you have a steady flow of money coming in for you, it is now time to open up a banking account with your local bank. While for a regular American this is simple, for you it will be much more difficult. The bank will want copies of your social security number, your place of residence, the whole lot. Because you don't possess this kind of information, you will have to get it from someone, which leads us into the next step.
edit A New Identity
This is a crucial step if you want to remain undetected by the government and avoid deportation. You will need to assume a new identity. There are a number of ways to do this, but most of them are too complicated or stupid for someone like yourself to attempt. This leaves us with only one option; the mob.
edit The Mob
Ah yes, the mob. The Godfather, Goodfellas, all of those guys. While they are legends to most, in reality, they are a shell of there former self, and have been reduced to making money any way they can. One way, is through giving foreigners like yourself new identities. In order for you to come in contact with the mob and gain this new identity, follow the outlined steps below.
- Step 1: Go to an Exotic dancers bar/ Stripper Bar / Whorehouse. This is where most mobs work out of today. Note, do not become distracted by the women in the establishment, or you may soon find yourself losing money faster than America did in the poker game of 2008.
- Step 2: Walk up to the man in the fancy suit. Only mob members wear fancy suits in these kinds of establishments. The man will probably look at you deciding whether to throw you out or kill you.
- Step 3: Tell him of your intentions. Before he can make this decision, say this:
I want to be American, I have cash. (if you don't have cash, get some...FAST.)
- Step 4: The man will then tell you to follow him, where you will be taken into a backroom filled with men wearing fancy suits. Their you will also see a man in an exceptionally fancy suit. Tell this man what you told the other man, give him the cash, and listen to everything he says to the last letter. Once you have done this, you have successfully obtained your new identity.
edit Proper Lingo
American Lingo varies from area to area, and it is crucial that you get this right, as natives know when someone is faking it; and you do not want to be that someone. In this portion of the article, the various ways of speaking in the U.S have been boken down by area, simply pick yours, and follow the instructions.
edit The East Coast
This area can get complicated because their are varying accents and lingos which vary by city and neighborhood.
The accent in this state is heavy throughout. The most identifiable feature is the lack of using an "R" in any word whatsoever, excluding the Red Sox (do not insult this name, you'll end up dead). For example, the word "park" turns into paahhk, and lobster turns into lohbstaahh.
edit New York (excluding everything except New York City)
The accent from New York is similar to the Boston accent, except instead of adding an "ah" in place of the "R", it's an "aw". Also, words like "third" are pronounced "Toid".
edit The West Coast AKA California
While California has no accent as such, lingo is a big part of the lifestyle down there. Almost all sentences are started with "dude" or "yo", and ended with "man". with a few sprinkled in for flavor. Also of important note is the speed of which they say it, which is slower than a regular sentence. An example has been provided:
Yo maaan, I just got buuusted for hoolding a graaam of Mary Jane yesterday, and it suucks man.
Yo, faaaaaaaaaaar ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut....man.
For more information on the California accent, watch Cheech and Chong.
edit The South
Enter at your own risk. It is difficult to get this exactly right, and if you don't, you will be killed instantly.
- Note, the rest of the U.S has no outstanding accent until you get up near Canada, and even then, people are pretty relaxed about it, so no worries.
edit Proper Attire
This step is almost as crucial as getting the accent right. Again, attire is broken down by area.
edit The East Coast
Unlike lingos and accents, attire for the east coast is pretty uniform. The goal is to look like a gangster. Start by buying some long shorts, long enough to reach your ankles. Then acquire a sports jersey of some sort, one with a number on the back. Next, acquire a straight brimmed hat and wear it sideways. Finally, acquire some long gold necklaces and wear them all at once. The look is now complete.
edit The West Coast
The West Coast depends largely on what part of the West Coast you reside in. If you reside in urban areas such as Oakland or L.A (not wise choices) the East coast look will suffice, as long as you don't make any references to the East Coast while wearing the look. If you reside near the beach, a new look must be adopted. First, dye your hair blonde, as everyone in this area has blonde hair. Next, throw out all the pants you have, and replace them with shorts, as no one at the beach wears pants. Lastly, throw out all the shirts you have, as no one at the beach owns a shirt either. You should also think about becoming tan as well, to help you blend in better.
edit The Other West Coast
One Word; Flannel, and a lot of it. People in this area like to think with their heads, and not with their bongs. Flannel keeps them warm while they log in the mountains for long extended periods. Flannel has also been proven on many occasion to be quite fashionable, especially in the Seattle area. To complete the Other West Coast look, grab a pair of blue jeans (flannel lined of course), a flannel shirt, some working gloves, and a truckers hat. Growing a thick beard is also highly recommended
edit The West
This area is pretty much a free for all when it comes to looks. Because most of the states are made up of a conglomerate of tourists, foreigners, and rejects, anything goes, although a cowboy hat does go a long way.
edit The Midwest
This area goes for more of a ranch hand/farmer style. The good thing is is that the Other west coast look works perfectly in this area for most of the time. All you need to do is shave the beard and your one of them.
edit The Great Lakes Region
Once again, it depends on what part of the region your living in. If you live near the coast, the rugged fisherman look is recommended. Buy some rain gear, grow a unkempt beard, and adopt a raspy voice, and tell some stories. If you live near Detroit, the East Coast gangster look will suffice. If you live near the middle, the Midwest look will do.
edit The South
Once again, you are not advised to live in this part of the country, and in most cases, it's impossible. However, if you need to travel into the south, for whatever reason (its not a good enough excuse), read the article on how to blend in as good as possible: HowTo:Travel to and Through the Southern United States
edit Daily Life in America
You have the job, you have the look, the lingo, the location, it's all fallen into place. Now comes the tricky bit; living your life as a regular American. While you might think life in America is similar to that of your old homeland, think again (why would you come here if it was the same?). The following section will tell you how to blend in with the general population and stay undetected by the government.
edit Your job
While you may enjoy your new job now, you must learn to hate it. A recent study showed that not a single person in America enjoys working at their job. this hatred comes from the genetic makeup found in every American, known as "Laziness". You however, lack this genetic piece of the puzzle, and once again, will have to fake it. Make sure that you show no signs of enjoyment while around your co-workers, or risk your true identity being discovered. HOWEVER, when the boss is around act mildly cheerful, like you somewhat enjoy your job. This will keep you employed, and the employees will just think your trying to put on a good face for the boss.
edit Your Ride; AKA transportation
Your job will most likely be too far away to walk. This leaves you with two options. One take the bus/train, or get a car. Option number two is the one you want, as this gives you a chance to earn respect form your co-workers, who may become your friends, which is the ultimate goal. Now you can't just go out and buy a car, that's too complicated, plus they want a driver's license, which you won't have. Instead, follow the steps outline below:
edit Step 1: Procure The Ride
find the nearest used car lot, one that has the fancy flags and streamers out front. Because these cars are used, they will be much cheaper than a new one. Narrow it down to the five cars with the highest mileage, then choose the one with the highest out of the five. Tell the man inside the little shack on the lot that you want to buy this car for a certain amount of money. If he tries to tell you that the price is too low, tell him you have cash (if you don't...). The dealer will without a doubt take this deal, and hand over the keys immedialtely. You have just procured the ride.
edit Step 2: Register The Ride
This usually involves going to the DMV, one of the most dreaded tasks in all the universe. There is, however, an alternative that is extremely simple. First, find out what your state license plate looks like. Next, find another car that is in a junk yard. Find your states license plate, jack it from the car, and stick it on yours! This saves time and money, but most importantly, aggravation (Also of a side note, the DMV is the leading cause of death in the United States, either due to too long of a line, or due to popping blood vessel in anger and extreme rage).
edit Step 3: Trick out The Ride
This is the most difficult step in the process. Doing it right will win you respect from people around you, and more pressing, get you girls/guys. Doing it wrong can result in an untimely death, either form bad mechanical modifications, or from someone shooting you out of pure hate for your tricked out ride. To make sure you get it right, this step has been broken down into further sub steps listed below:
- Mechanical modifications: This will make your car go faster and sound cooler. The easiest thing you can do is chop off your standard muffler and add what is known as a Cherry bomb glaspak. This will make your engine sound like its about to explode, without actually exploding. You can also add turbochargers, superchargers, and a whole slue of other things. BUT, whatever you do, DO NOT ADD NITROUS INJECTION (NOS) TO YOUR CAR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER!!!! NOS greatly increases horsepower, which sounds good, but will cause your engine to explode for real this time, and their have never been any survivors.
- Paint: This is what makes your car stand out, and is the most important step. Firstly, you must find a paint booth in which to paint your car, as your garage won't do. Once you have required this paint booth, begin by laying down a coat of primer. This will help your paint bond to the surface of your car, and prevent it from peeling off at the slightest gust of wind. With the Primer down, it is time to choose your colors. It is advised that you go with a black car, with silver accents, as trying anything else is too complicated, and could get you killed in the wrong neighborhood. With the paint on, the final step is to lay down a good gloss finish. The point of the gloss is to give your paint job that glassy smooth finish, so make sure that no one opens the door of the paint booth while your spraying it down, or risk your life once again.
- Tires and rims: This depends on taste. White walls can look good, but it really doesn't matter, just be sure they're low profile tires, to give them that extra cool look. For rims, choose something silver.
- Stereo System: This is where you can go crazy. Got to an auto electronics installer and tell them you want the sickest sound system in all of <insert location>. The dealer will then get this crazy look in his eye, at which point you will throw some cash at him, and run away as fast as possible. Return in two weeks and pick up your tricked out ride.
- Tinted Glass: Not recommended if you live in a city like area, as the cops will think your a gang member, and most likely shoot you on the spot.
edit Step 4: Drive The Ride
Your Ride is complete! Now its time to show it off to the co-workers, and more importantly, the ladies/dudes.
edit Obtaining a partner of the opposite sex
This part is extremely important. If there is one goal that every American strives to complete, it is to acquire someone of the opposite sex to be there romantic partner (note, while same sex marriage is possible in the Eastern States, it isn't recommended, as the percentage of death increases ten fold). These are commonly known as "girlfriends" and "boyfriends". Obtaining one of these is by far, the most difficult challenge you will face during your long arduous journey towards becoming an American. In order to aid you in finding the right partner for you, we have added the following outlines which explains the many character types you will run into.
Girlfriends are notoriously more difficult to pick up than guys are (which doesn't mean you should try that either!). The facts are not clear on why this is, but is believed that woman may possess powers that men do not have. They then use these powers against men in a tactic known as "hard to get". But in any case, their are many types of women that you may run into out there; an it is in your best interest to be prepared when you run into them.
edit The Barbie Doll
These are the ones that stand out the most. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tan skin, and a body so hot it melts concrete. It is a 100% proven fact that all men are attracted to Barbie Dolls (if they say no they're lying, even if their gay), so don't be surprised if you fall under her spell. But be forewarned; while they may have the body of a goddess, their intelligence is equivalent to a rock. It was found early on that the genetic code for Barbie Dolls is enhanced for looks to the point that room for intelligence was left out, and as a result most Barbie Dolls don't have brains. So while they may look good now, they will do you no good in the real world.
edit The Emo
The Emo is the most difficult of all women to capture. While many of them are attractive, they can exhibit aggressive behavior, some of which can be fatal. However, the Emo is a very good companion to have once you get inside their world. For better clarity, a link has been provided to another Howto that covers this very topic!
edit The Nerd
While not always the prettiest girl around; its the brains that make this one extra special. With their advanced knowledge in a variety of subjects, nerds don't just sit around and look pretty. They can help you with your finances, or tricky calculations, or just about anything else you need help with; anything. Be forewarned though, nerds can bring with them a lot of weird hobbies, such as action figure collection, and complicated games like Tetris.
edit The Athlete
Athletes fall into a category where they have the looks of the Barbie Doll, but actually have a working brain. Athletes like to keep moving and do lots of stuff, a plus if your fat. The thing to watch out about the Athlete is that they like to get up early; really early. Athletes, while equipped with a brain, tend to stay focused mainly on activities, so you may be forgotten about on a regular occasion.
edit The Country Girl
Country Girls like to get down and dirty. They work hard at what they do, which is mostly tending to horses and working on farms. Country Girls are usually extremely hot (with out the Barbie Doll look), with their blue jean shorts, flannel shirt, and cowboy hat, she can drive the tamest of men crazy. But, not all is well with the country girl. A Country Girl's natural habitat is The South. As we know, it is unwise to either land on Southern beaches, or settle on Southern land. The prime reason being that all Southern Folk hate outsiders, even people from neighboring counties. One of the most notorious methods of killing foreigners in the South is to use the Southern Trap, which involves the use of a hot country girl, alcohol, and guns. So before you set off on your quest to get this girl, think it through and determine whether or not it's a trap, your life depends on it.
As with girlfriends, their are multiple categories in which men fall into, as listed below.
edit The Jockey
The Jockey is the equivalent of the female Barbie Doll and Athlete all rolled into one. They have a fit body, but unfortunately, most of what little brains they have has been used for sports related knowledge. As with the Athlete, abandonment can happen along with him actually forgetting he has a girlfriend. One other note, if your young and the Jockey is in High school or College, be warned, as they are almost always the targets of shootings (science has proven that it is because they aren't smart enough to move out of the way).
edit The Emo
Same as a girl, except they hopefully have a Willy.
edit The Nerd
Again, same as a girl, except smellier and more weird habits.
edit The Lumberjack
The Lumberjack is a hard working man. Burly, heavily bearded, flannel clothing, and a massive axe on his shoulder, he is the heart throb of many young women. The Lumberjack is ideal as a stable partner because of their down to earth sense of reality and their hard work ethic.
edit The Bad Ass
The Bad Ass. With an attitude that says "don't mess with me, or I'll rip off your face", the Bad Ass is an instant draw to the ladies due to his ultimate toughness. Rest assured, if you find yourself being hit on by guys you don't like, your bad ass boyfriend will take care of it. A stern warning though, while the bad ass will take care of those pesky men, they'll most likely end up dead, which could result in you and your bad ass boyfriend living a life on the run.
edit The Yuppy
The Yuppy is a high class white collar "worker", who's main goal in life is to make as much money as possible in as little time as possible, while doing the least amount of work possible. Therefore, all Yuppy's work in the Stock market. Due to their enormously massive income, you are assured to never have to work a day in your life, while getting to buy the fanciest things in life at the same time. Be warned though, Yuppy's like to cheat, both relationship wise, and economically wise. Don't be surprised if either:
- A: You walk in the front door to find your Yuppy sleeping with another woman.
- B: See him on the television being dragged away in handcuffs after he was found to have cheated everybody out of millions of dollars due to some massively complicated scheme where he gets all the money.
edit The Country Boy
Same principles apply to the Country Boy as are found in the Country Girl, so be wary!
edit Politics and Firearms
You've made it to America. You have the house, the job, the ride, the girl/guy, you might be thinking "what else is there to do?" Plenty, and the next two parts are definitely the most important. Every self respecting American does two things when they are old enough. One, join a political party; and two, buy some firearms. Both of these areas will be dealt with in the following sections.
One of America's favorite past times is politics. People come from all around to watch the Democrats and Republicans politically beat each other to death day after day down in Washington. Now in America, you have the option to join one of the political parties and vote in what is called a primary. The Primary is a vote where the people choose what candidate they want representing their party in an election. Sounds fancy, but it really has no input on anything; but this should not discourage you from joining a party, as your life once again depends on it.
Liberators by some, baby killers by others. Democrats are one of the parties you can join. Democrats like to take the liberal and outspoken stance on many issues, such as abortion. Democrats like to try and make everybody equal in society, which means there all communists (according to Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann, don't listen to anything they say!). Democrats like to save money as well, while making everybody else pay more.
Republicans are about as opposite from democrats as peanut butter is to jelly. Republicans beleive in this thing called state rights, which means that the states should get to call the shots more than the people in Washington. When it comes to things like abortion and same sex marriage, Republicans like to say no 100% of the time; no exceptions; ever. However, the two most important things to a Republican are money, and guns. Republicans like to say that the rich worked for their money (false), so we shouldn't have to tax them more. But when it comes to guns, Republicans stand firm in their belief that guns are like candy, and everybody should get some. They also believe that guns should be able to be taken anywhere the owner wants them, such as the grocery store, or even in Congress, because they make the environment safer in case a dirty Islamic terrorist bursts into the room.
Independents like to do whatever they want, so it's no telling what they'll do next, or if anyone actually cares enough to listen to the three guys in Washington trying to actually do something that might actually make sense.
edit Green Party
Lead by Al Gore, it's a 100% proven fact that no one cares about what Al or Tipper do these days, so don't join this party.
This is, without a single doubt, the most important step in your journey towards becoming an American. Guns are a large stone in the foundation that holds America above everybody else. For Americans, guns mean a variety of things. Safety, cool factor, hunting, a fashion statement, whatever. For you, owning guns isn't just about being an American, it's also about safety for you and your family/partner. The safety factor will be explained later; but for now, lets look at the coolest and most popular guns for Americans to own these days.
The Pistol is the most popular firearm in America. Pistols are found in many forms, which are listed below.
- Revolvers: Used by every Bad Ass since Dirty Harry first wielded it to kill punks, the revolver is a fine weapon. However, due to its slow reload time, you'd better be sure your the one who's going to be doing the killing, not your opponent
- Single Shots: Very large caliber, but you need to be at most 1/2 and inch away to even get a 50% chance of hitting anything; along with the fact that it takes a lifetime to reload and if it backfires it will most certainly kill you. They do, however, look good mounted over the mantle.
- Semi-Automatics: Used by Gangstas, these guns have a large bullet capacity, and a good rate of fire, along with a good reload time. Be warned though, if the police spot you with one in public, you'll likely end up in jail or worse, dead.
- The Desert Eagle: Basically, if you want to kill something with a 100% guarantee that it's not going to get back up; get this gun.
The Rednecks favorite gun, shotguns are primarily used for killing intruders and securing the marriage of daughters. The shotgun is also, although rarely, used for hunting purposes. While they're are a few types of shotguns, it really doesn't matter which kind you buy, as they all shoot the same kind of ammo (just be sure to go 12 gauge).
Rifles are used primarily as sniper rifles, since using them in combat proved too slow and boring. There are two types of sniper rifles, they are:
- Bolt Action Rifles: Extremely Accurate, take some time to reload, so it's best if your target is far enough away so they can't run at you.
- Semi Automatic: Less Accurate, but a larger rate of fire and quicker reload time. However, your still limited to only one shot at a time, so do try to be as accurate as possible.
edit Machine Guns
Machine guns were invented as a result of the slow pace of the rifle. Machine guns have massive rates of fire, which helped to replace the massive amounts of men needed to fight a war (America was in a troop shortage at the time). There aren't any defining features that can separate machine guns into different categories. Only the size of the round makes machine guns different; be sure to get the biggest.
edit Assault Weapons
An assault weapon is a combination of a rifle and a machine gun, and therefore is the greatest weapon type ever devised by man. Because you can use it as a sniper rifle or a machine gun, it can be used in any situation imaginable (except anti tank, which is highly unlikely, but will be covered later). It is recommended that you buy at least two different types of these weapons for reliability and quantity reasons.
edit What's Next?
You've made it to America, you've assumed a new identity, gotten a job, gotten a sweet ride, gotten a partner of the opposite sex, and you have a house; what could possibly be left to do? There is but one topic left to cover. The next topic is by far, out of every other topic covered in this How Tom the most important aspect of your journey, as everything else you've worked for hinges on it's success.
edit Avoiding detection and capture
While you may think Border Patrol is no longer a problem, you now have a new one; U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement. This agency specializes in finding illegal immigrants and deporting them. It is extremely important that you don't do anything that would alert these people of your presence in America. The guide as it is written above is designed to aid in being as covert as possible and avoid capture, so as long as you follow it, you should be in the clear. However, there may be a time in the future when your status as an illegal immigrant is uncovered. It is at this time that you should follow the guidelines below precisely and quickly to avoid capture or death.
edit The Worst Case Scenario
A worst case scenario for you would consist of being detected by ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) and be subject to a raid where you may be captured. However, because you also own guns, the ATF will most likely be involved in the raid as well, and they will definitely kill you before they capture you. In order to survive and avoid capture, follow each instruction below precisely.
edit 1: ICE/ATF Agents are Approaching Your House
You have seen the agents coming down the street. The first thing that you must do is remain calm, if you start freaking out, the agents are going to start coming after you. You also don't know if the agents are coming after you anyways, maybe some other foreigner lives on your street, and their getting them instead. The next thing you need to do is alert everybody in the house to the presence of the agents outside, and to get ready. Start by loading your weapons and setting up the house as a defensive stronghold by strategically placing yourselves around the house. Wait for the agents next move.
edit 2: The Agents are at the Door
Theirs no doubt the agents have come here for you. Remain calm, and don't start firing yet. the agents will begin shouting at you to open the door and come out with your hands up. Do not follow their orders, and remain silent.
edit 3: Agents are Preparing to Enter the House
Get you game face on, it's about to go down. Wait until the agents have just breached the doorway to start firing, this is when they are most exposed. As soon as you have let off a few rounds, run away from the doorway and set up a defensive positions somewhere on the ground floor near a rear exit. It is here that you will hold out, so get your weapons and get ready for a long firefight, because they have lots of ammo too. Also of importance, make sure to not actually shoot any of the agents, as shooting a government official of the U.S will bring untold amounts of death and destruction to ones person.
edit 4: Agents are Starting to Get the Upper Hand
This is inevitable. The agents have body armor and are better trained than you are (unless your a former Spetsnaz, but this is highly unlikely). Just hold out for as long as you can, use RPG's and the big machine guns if they get too close.
edit 5: The Agents Have Brought in Tanks
It's now time for you to begin your escape. No Matter how hard you try, you cannot defeat the ICE agents once they've brought in tanks. The first thing you should do is get the other people in the house out of it as quickly as possible to avoid heavy losses. Once this is accomplished, you must create a distraction to aid in your escape. A smoke screen is the most effective distraction, either by smoke grenade, or by setting your house on fire. Be sure to do this quickly as the agents will begin to box you in before long.
edit 6: Distraction has Been Created
Exit the house as quickly as possible and run as far away from the premise as possible. Dump all weapons except a sidearm and immediately hide yourself anywhere you can; anywhere.
edit 7: The Agents are Searching
It is now decision time. No matter what, you'll need to leave the state your currently in; but what you do next is entirely up to you. You now have two choices, which have been laid out for you below.
edit Option 1: Leave the United States
You tried to make it here, and it worked out for a while, but now it's time to leave. Get to a coastal area (NOT THE GULF COAST!!) and either A; steal a boat, or b; build a craft like you may have used to get here in the first place. Using the plane option is out of the question, as security is too tight in American airports. Make sure you leave as little evidence of your existence behind as possible.
edit Option 2: Start Over
Simply follow the steps again, only in a different location and using a different name.
edit Option 3 (secret): The Tony Montana
It's not important if you don't know who that man is, all you need to know is how he died; in a blaze of glory. Find someplace to hold out for a while until the agents find you. when they do the whole "come out with your hands up" routine, jump out and start shooting everywhere, it'll be over before you know it.
Just to be clear, THAT WAS A HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO, and may not even happen in your case.
edit So, You've Done It
You've came to the shores of America, hoping for a better life. Well, if you've made it this far, I am proud to say that you have done it! You have successfully become a proud illegal citizen of the United States of America (not that anyone has to know about the illegal part). In honor of your completion, please take the Diploma shown below as proof that you have completed each step in this article and are now an approved Master of Americanism. Note though, it would be wise not to display this prominently, as somebody might find out your an illegal, and we know what happens then. But for now, take your diploma and reflect on the hard work you did to reach this momentous achievement. Well done; well done indeed.
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos