HowTo:Make your Video Resume

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At last, you're ready to step into the working world. Find a job that suits you, make a little money. To ensure that you get the job you want, you have two options: Make an outstanding resume, or stake out the building and stop everyone else's. I'm pretty sure the second one is illegal, and it probably wouldn't work.

So we stick to the resume idea. Yours has to stand out from all the rest. But maybe you're a bad writer, or yoo kan't spel gud. Or maybe you're just REALLY afraid of papercuts. Regardless of your reasoning, it's time to grow a pair and make your video resume!

edit What you need

Before you start looking like a jackoff on camera and send it to the company you want to work with, you'll need a few things. Make sure you have them:

  • A face that doesn't look like you have a possum with psoriasis sticking out of your collar
  • A pirate hat
  • No criminal record
  • A camera
  • Two gallons of high-quality 10W-40 motor oil

Dress

It's also important to wear the right clothing. Appearance means a lot. Naturally, you should go with the standard pirate hat, whether you're a man or a woman. Or both. Men, try to look professional, make sure you wear a suit. Not your birthday suit. Women, don't look like a whore, unless you're applying for a job as a whore, in which case we want your number.

edit Getting started

Now that you have all that you need, it's time to get started. Make sure you're in a well lit room, and set the camera up. Make sure you press record. That's why your wedding didn't get recorded. Your wife probably would have been mad if she wasn't a golden retriever. They told you it couldn't happen, but you kept believing and made it happen. You weren't going to let something like a few thousand protesters or the Bible stop you. Let's move on.

edit Making the video

Calculon2

Don't do this...

Okay, now that you've started recording, you... take off the god damn lens cap, you fucking idiot. Good. Now that you've started recording, you should know a few Do's n' Don'ts.

Do

  • Make sure you stay calm. No one wants to hire a sweaty guy with a bladder control problem
  • Talk about your skills and accomplishments, and NOT that stripper you hooked up with on Friday night
  • Try not to seem desperate

Don't

  • Don't fall asleep on camera, that looks bad
  • Don't verbally abuse the viewer
  • Don't tell the viewer that you know where they live, even if it happens that you do
  • Don't cry during your video resume
  • DO NOT wave your penis at the camera and scream "Check out my dong!"

The list goes on, but I think you get the point.

edit Editing

Peaceful2

Nick Nolte is obviously impressed by your accomplishments.

Now that the you've finished recording, you can edit. It helps to make your video look professional. Be sure to add as many explosions as possible. Reaction shots from random celebrities is also a good idea. Don't include violent scenes, unless you want a job as a hitman or a tax attorney. One suggestion is to have lightning shoot out of your fingers, or replace your hand with a cupcake. Who wouldn't hire a guy with a cupcake for a hand? I would.

edit The Final Product

You've done it. Your video resume is complete. It's feature length, and the production values are higher than Snoop at a... actually, all the time. Whatever. You poured your heart and soul in it.... and it still sucked balls of magnanimous proportions. It SU-HU-HUCKED. I wish all of my fingers were thumbs, so I could display just a fraction of how bad it sucked. It's on YouTube, and every 130-pound 40 year old dude living in his parents basement is laughing at you. You've made a worldwide laughingstock of yourself. Happy? You damn well should be.

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