HowTo:Make napalm

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“Napalm is very hot”
~ Captain Obvious on napalm
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Do you get bored a lot?[1] Do you not know what to do with your spare time?[2] Do you like to burn things?[3]

If you answered yes to any of these questions,[4] then I'd say that you have qualified to enter the wonderfully easy world of creating your own, homemade napalm! "What is napalm?" some might ask. Well, napalm is just the stuff you usually shoot out of FLAMETHROWERS! And it's easy as hell to make.

edit Step 1

Grab a tin can, that old Chef Boyardee can will work perfectly.

edit Step 2

Get a pint or so of gasoline, the source is in your jurisdiction, of course. I mean, do your lawnmower's needs surpass your own? And some orange juice...(cf. Fight Club).

edit Step 3

You know that plastic foam packaging stuff? You can find it wherever you purchase any sort of fragile item; or, if you order something in the mail, the little foam peanuts will work fine too.

edit Final Step

Put all the ingredients together, grab the (hopefully) empty metal can and pour some gasoline into it. Not all the way, just enough so that one or two fingers from the top (like an inch or so). Next, grab all those packaging peanuts and stick em in, or if you got the foam stuff from the store, just break it into little pieces. Now all you have to do is mix them in. I would suggest a thick stick, like from the woods or something, it's usually easiest.

Then you crush the foam shit in there 'til it's all mushy with the gasoline. Aaand voilà! Instant napalm!

Just make sure that when you burn it you don't get it on yourself.[5]

edit Now...

Now that you have the ammo for a flamethrower, don't you wish you had the flamethrower? Ha, easy way to make one of those. Ever heard of a Super Soaker? If you haven't, where have you been man? Super Soakers are water guns, fairly sturdy, and pump action. If you wish to make a flamethrower, just put more gasoline into the napalm mix until it is more or less watered down and not so mushy, you know? Just pour that mix into the canister (where the water usually goes) and grab a lighter. Zippo preferably.[6]

If you are afraid to hold up the lighter to the spray (it's O.K., you're new at this) either tape your lighted Zippo to the end so gasoline doesn't get on it, but fires through the flame, or do the same with matches.

edit Conclusion

My only real advice to you is that, well, use common sense. Don't spray that on people (unless you're really mad at them) because they will melt. Seriously, it's not pretty.[7]

edit Disclaimer

You'll probably die doing this. But then, the human race won't miss you much, if you're dumb enough to die doing such a simple, probably harmless[8] task. Good luck on your mission of death!

edit Notes

  1. You are on Uncyclopedia...
  2. Still reading this Uncyclopedia article, eh?
  3. Is that a serious question???
  4. Or, more likely, all of them.
  5. Or, better yet, get it all over yourself and light a match. Oh how I loathe you...
  6. Cough up the dough, cheapo!
  7. Actually, yes it is.
  8. My lawyers say it's harmless
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