HowTo:Make money without getting a job

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

So, you want to know how to get through life without getting a job, eh? Don't want some annoying boss nagging your ass the entire fucking day? Lost all your motivation to do any work ever since she left and took everything of value that you've ever possessed? Maybe, you just don't like having to wake-up every morning to go to some goddamn small cubical where you are forced to do all of this seemingly pointless paperwork because you know your job is just going to be outsourced to Pakistan in a month, right? Well, lucky for you, this specially-priced guide[1] WILL help you achieve your lifelong dream of being a rich, lazy bum who gets to laugh at all of those poor, hard-working bums without having to own an oil company![2]

edit Why don't you need a job?

Tip

If those IRS bastards still try to make you pay taxes, tell them to shove it. They're sure to leave you alone, then!

Jobs, like food preferences, are a matter of taste. We live in a society where we are forced to conform and get a job so we can support the great capitalist machine. Unfortunately, very few people realize that there is another way, a way YOU can make money without sending in that damn application or having to take some stupid piss test. By not working and still making money, you will be able to live the life of leisure you always dreamed of, and you may finally get laid thanks to all that money laying around... After all, chicks dig dudes who have a lot of cash and can stay home to satisfy their wild, uncontrolled sex drives.[3]

There are thousands of people just like you who earn money without having to file income taxes papers every year. And, let's face it, isn't being able to tell the IRS to suck on it The American Dream? I think SO!!! This guide is guaranteed[4] to help you "pursue, capture, and strangle that dream"[5] until you are RICH!!!

edit Rip off a soda machine

Webgrey2

This Guy did it! So why don't YOU?!?

Tired of those cola companies overpricing their thirst-quenching soft drinks? Feel like the cola companies are committing some sort of crime by making you pay $1.25 for a lousy 12 ounce drink that will only take you two minutes at the most to drink? Are you just thirsty but lack sufficient funds to buy a drink? Wanna make your friends think you are some sort of technology wizard? Are you just so bored that gouging your eyes out with a salt shaker sounds like most fun thing that you have ever thought of doing to yourself? Well, the first and quite possibly the easiest way to make some quick cash would have to be by ripping off one of their lousy soda machines. It's a lot of fun, and you will get to exact your revenge on those damn cola companies at the same time! What more can one ask for?!? All you have to do is:

  • Step 1: Find a soda machine. In this case, use a Coca-Cola machine, namely because the Pepsi machines won't have any money in them. After all, who drinks Pepsi! Nobody. It tastes fucking horrible!
  • Step 2: The next step, make sure there are no cameras or other people around.
  • Step 3: Now, take your crowbar and pry the goddamn thing open. If that doesn't work, use your crowbar and smash the motherfucker to bits!
  • Step 4: Take all of the coins and drinks you can carry out of the machine.
  • Step 5: ???
  • Step 6: PROFIT!!

You can keep doing this to get free drinks and any change inside the machine. There are many other ways to steal from soda machines and other type of vending machines, but this is quite possibly the easiest method. Remember, this doesn't work on all Coca-Cola machines, and this is classified as petty theft. You can go to jail for doing this. But hey, you won't mind getting thrown into jail. After all, they have FREE FOOD and FREE SEX!!!

edit Go on a game show

Tip

Go with your gut, you genius you!

Notsmart

Elephants are larger than the Moon..

Many people have become famous for being on game shows, like, um.... Ken Jennings! You know, the guy who was on all of those episodes of Jeopardy! That guy no longer has to work, and he can get any woman (or man... What? I don't discriminate...) he wants. Why shouldn't you?!?

After all, the chances of you going on a game show and winning are great! I mean, there are so few people who want to compete on game shows and win millions of dollars! And those people that are going on the game shows to compete against you are idiots! You are so much smarter, stronger, talented, and braver than everyone else! I bet you could go on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and not even have to use one lifeline (because you'll answer the first question incorrectly thinking you know it, despite the fact that you don't know shit!).

What do you have to lose?!?!?[6]

edit Make an obscene 1920's wager

Villianc

You'll get to do Snidely's classic smirk!

Around the world in 80 days? Race across the sands of Arabia? Listen, you can do any of these things! You've seen all of those movies! You can even find some poor sap you will be willing to bet 40,000 dollars on a single coin flip! I even had a friend who used a double-sided coin to get a million dollars from Bill Gates![7] There's no way you could lose.

I had another friend who challenged his family to a home wrestling match, winner getting all of the life insurance money and the title of world's greatest wrestler. He won! Sadly, he decided that, because his son didn't tap out like he should have, it was not an honourable win and took his own life. But you won't have to do that! After all, you have no emotional investment in your family members.

I got another idea! You could bet some rich friend of yours that Johnny Carson will rise from the grave as a zombie tomorrow. Then, all you have to do is dress up your old grandpa as Johnny Carson have him go to your friends house rambling on about wanting to eat brains. He's got the smell of a corpse down already. You can appear out of nowhere doing that maniacal laugh of yours and tell your dumb ass friend to pay up.

Besides, this will even give you a chance to wear that cape, top hat, and matching curly moustache! Come on, I know you want to. Who would resist such a chance? I know I wouldn't. Dude, just do it![8]

edit Mug that old bitch

Old lady

She has it coming!!! Take her money!

That's right. The fourth way of making money without having to go through the trouble of getting a job is to mug old people. Most old people can't fight back making them great targets! Not only are most far too weak to ever fight back, but they also get social security checks from the government! That means... FREE MONEY! Ya`y!

This may seem like it is the best way to make money without having a job, after all, now you get to incorporate your love of assaulting old people with your quest to get rich, but you mustn't forget that most old people are weak and can be severely injured and possibly killed without much force. For some weird reason, people in today's corrupt society think they are "honourable" by acting like they care about old people. They don't. But if you end up severely hurting or killing the old person your mugging, you'll get thrown in prison!

And don't forget, some old people could easily kick your ass. But, as long as you don't hurt or kill the old person, you should be able to get away with stealing from them. After all, most old people are inept at remembering things unless they get hurt, so they'll probably forget to call the police. And please don't do it to your grandmother. That's just wrong. But, um, speaking of grandma...

edit Mooch off your senile grandmother

Happymarshall

Well, grandpa's happy!!

Isn't it a shame that the old people in this nation get a ton of money they will never use? Sure, they need it to pay for their Alzheimer's treatments and extra-strength laxatives, but are they ever going to really use it? Your senile grandmother is the perfect example of waste. No not her adult diapers, the utter waste of money just waiting to be spent on your upcoming trip to the Bahamas.

Just tell her that it's your birthday and Bam! Twenty big ones right there. Next month, do it again! If she remembers that she gave you money last month, tell her that she doesn't remember your birthday and that she is getting old. Cry if necessary. She'll probably give you even more money![9] Not only will you be getting rich quick, you will be doing the proper thing every grandchild should do, all while visiting your elders. I mean, she has been lonely ever since grandpa left her for that 20-something year-old girl last March.

And hey! Don't even think about killing her to get your inheritance! After all, how do you know if she even left you any? The police will investigate her death if they smell anything fishy, whatsoever! You aren't even close to being smart enough to get away with murder! Trust me. You're not O.J.!!![10]

edit Other ways

Tip

If you're afraid of ever getting in trouble or being arrested, I recommended you read this.

There are many other ways to make money than those discussed here. You'll just have to trust me on that one. Some included:

  • Robbing a bank
  • Writing your memoirs
  • Becoming an adult film star (This still counts as work but you are more likely to meet idiots with tons of money who will want to marry you. The bright side is free money and free sex!)
  • Playing the lottery
  • Sell useless reports online on how to get rich quick and be your own boss - remember on the Internet its buyer beware so once a sucker pays you, you don't have to refund their money!
  • Setting up your own wiki and holding fund-raisers to pay for the ever increasing need for bigger and better servers while actually taking most of the money for yourself. [11]

See, jobs are only for stu-- Oh fuck! Look at the time! Sorry. I will have to cut our little conservation short. I can't be late to work! Boss'll throw a fit!! How 'bout I come over to your place later and talk more about this?!? Okay! Uh, see ya later!

edit Footnotes

  1. Only a mere 200 American dollars not including shipping and handling.
  2. Besides, owning your own oil company now implies you are either a Saudi Arabian prince or a really lucky gun-totin' hick.
  3. You wish that the last part of that sentence was true.
  4. That is, if guaranteed means might help. Don't expect that this to actually help at all.
  5. Best metaphor ever, bitch.
  6. Nothing, but your pride and what little dignity you've ever had...
  7. I also have another friend who used the same double-sided coin on Bill Gates, but agreed to allow Gates to call it in the air. He's still manually delivering Windows updates to remote locations in Siberia.
  8. Or, if you live in the southern United States, Get yer done!
  9. If you replace her medication with sugar pills, she'll give you even more money!
  10. Update: Also, even if you are O.J., it'll come back to bite you on the ass, no matter what!
  11. How do you think Jimbo Wales earned those millions of dollars, eh?!?

edit See also

Personal tools
projects