HowTo:Make it drink

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Horse drinking beer bottle

A child could do it. Gimme a break!

The old wives tale that "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" has persisted as a lying myth for far too long. There are numerous ways to make it drink. Hell, if you spend more than a few seconds thinking about it you can come up with a dozen better ways than I can. But someone has to start the ball rolling, so let's get this show on the road and pull the train out of the station.

Who am I to give you advice?

They call me The Horse Whisperer. Well, no, actually, that's someone else. But it just as well could be me. Why not? How hard is it to whisper when you're next to a horse for Christ's sake. Who I really am is a guy like any other guy you'd see on the street if you'd bother to get off your bloated godforsaken behind and walk around. Only when you see me I'm usually naturally involved in deep thoughts that go far beyond the inner-mind of the average man. I think about stuff, OK? I'm not gonna apologize for it. And what I don't like are myths and lies blowing soap bubbles into society, popping at the most inconvenient moments and BAM, WHAMO, SQUIRMP, there goes another 9/11 or Bosnia or some other nonsense.

You know, I got this way because my mom raised me to question everything. She'd tempt me with her nipple, and when I'd go in for a drink she'd pull it away and laugh like the dickens. Even made a video that they still show at Christmas and what passes for their anniversary parties. So I know whereof I speak.

As for the question at hand: You can lead a horse to water - that's a given - and yeah, surprise surpise, you can make it drink.

Blue horse underwater3

Throw it off a boat and then wait. It's gonna drink the stuff.

Lead a horse to water, shoot it in the leg...

...and while it's lying there face deep in the pond or the river or wherever you've led the horse to, Victoria Falls for all I care, it's bound to open its mouth sooner or later. Then water will flow into its mouth. How easy do you want me to make it for you?

Lead a horse to water, then just stand there

Keep the horse standing there for a few hours. Days or weeks if need be. At some point it will get thirsty enough to put down its head and drink. I guarantee you, this is foolproof.

Lead a horse to water and keep putting water on its lips

You don't think the horse is going to lick some of the water off of its lips eventually? Jeez, you're stupid.

Lead a horse to water, then soak a carrot or an apple or some other horse food in the water...



... and hold it in the palm of your hand like they do at the racetrack. If you want to combine this with the last proven technique, rub water on the horse's lips and then hold out the carrot or apple. When it gobbles or inhales the stuff from out of your palm - slobbering horse juice all over you by the way - it'll drink the water too.

If you want to speed up the process...

... get about six guys, strong guys, and when you've led the horse to water wrestle it down, hold it's head in there, and have some of the guys put their hands over its nostrils so it can't breath and has to open its damn mouth.

That's it

And that's all there is too it. We've knocked this myth on its ass six ways to Sunday, better than those MythBusters on the tube but with a lot less ads or fooling around. And you've even learned a valuable lesson, one I learned at my mother's bony knee when she pushed me off her lap just as I was going seepy: Don't trust anybody or anything.

And "... you can't make it drink"? Really? Come on, really? Who do you think you're kidding! Now go live your life on your own terms, and just to nudge you in the wrong direction so you stray far from the pack and wander off the straight and narrow, keep this lying canard in mind: "Where there's smoke there's fire." Wanna bet?

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