HowTo:Make an Infomercial
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“Thanks to this, CBS aired my infomercial of an water-proof towel!”
Are you a pointless loser who just broke out of an asylum? Do you have nothing to do with your time and want to annoy people? Do you want to tell people about a thing you saw during a hallucination after smoking pot? The way to do all these things and more is by making an infomercial.
But not any loser can get an infomercial. Companies get showered with thousands of infomercial requests every day, most of which are submitted by things with the brain of autistic shovels. You want to gain an edge over the other idiots, right? Sending in a piece of paper with a doodle of the product and your name is not the way to get an edge. So read this (or get someone else to read it to you) and you're on your way to going on TV.
Step 1: Getting an Idea for a Product
An infomercial advertises a product, so first you need to think of a pointless, stupid, illogical product that doesn't work. Smoking pot and writing down what you see is a proven way to think of something. Remember a product in an infomercial must:
- be pointless
- be able to be talked about for hours
- be overpriced
- sound reasonable
Another method is taking that test with the inkblots and making a product with the shape of the inkblot. But perhaps the best way of making a new product is the Generator Method. You have to find a random word generator on the Internet, string the words that come up together, and think of something that does those things. For instance, you might get the words "burnt", "soft", and "eraser", and voila! You got your product. And for retards who just can't think of something, no matter how many joints they smoke, renaming someone else's product is always an option.
Jarret Lantern, Chris on Marece, and Jacob Moustache tell you to do this....
- LightCheck: For only $19.95, this easy-to-use computer sees whether or not your lights are on.
- Indentitrash is a cheap, helpful product that identifies the company that made your worthless trash.
- Glasses in a Can makes it easy to store and transort those cumbersome glasses for only $19.95!
- It is now possible to make your toothpaste a balloon using InflataPaste.
- Betty Crocker's MicroIce is the best microwavable ice on the market.
- Soda in a Bottle is the patented new way for storing your soda.
- Are you sad, lonely, depressed? Do you need a special friend? Then don't buy this puppy. Just subscribe to Adopt-a-Terrorist!
Step 2: Layout of Your Infomercial
1.) Walk into the room smiling and in a suit.
2.) Ask the audience if they're tired of a certain problem(s). (Optional: A bunch of people say Yes.)
3.) Say, "Well now your troubles are over, because you can have ___!
4.) Show "demonstrations" of it which are really cheesy clips you got from Star Trek, while ranting on about how it is "revolutionary" and "solves all your problems".
5.) Make wild claims about its useless abilities, and how it is "completely essential".
6.) Lie and tell the audience that "untold numbers" of people have used it and loved it. Then show your grandma (to appeal to old people), your sister (to appeal to girls), and a whore (to appeal to men and provide entertainment between broadcasts), and pay them all 20 bucks to say that your product is great. (Optional: Dress up in a lab suit and adopt a funny accent. You are now Dr. Albert Schartzensmart, Ph.D, and you can tell the audience that this product was proved in scientific tests conducted by hamsters to be awesome.)
7.) Say that its a $50 dollar value for only $19.95.
8.) Exclaim "But wait, there's more!" and tell them that if you call in the next 20 minutes, you'll get a useless trinket for free.
9.) Repeat over and over again about its cheapness, and show some random 1-800 number.
10.) Double, Triple, then Quadruple the offer if called in the next 5-10 minutes for "Free".
11.) End by saying "Buy your ___ today!" and grin creepily.
- Only $19.95!
- If you call now, you can get a free pencil lead!
- But wait: there's more!
- Only $19.95!
- Over 1 million people have bought ___!
- A $50 dollar value for only $19.95!
- Only $19.95!
- You'll never find a bargain like this again!
- Satisfaction Guaranteed, or your money back!
- Only $19.95!
- I'm practically giving this away!
- Call now, and get ___ for free!
- Only $19.95!
Step 3: Getting a Channel to Broadcast It
This is the hardest part of the infomercial process. Don't send your idea in a letter or other indirect ways. Go straight to the CEO's office, bribe the secretary to say that the meeting was scheduled, go right up to him, and start talking. Once you have broken through the wall that separates the CEO from the outside world, you have to convince him to broadcast it. If you are rich, bribes are the easiest ways to convince him. There also might be a chance that the CEO is as dumb as you, and doesn't need convincing to broadcast it. But if you aren't rich, and he isn't dumb, there is one surefire way: you hire a prostitute, and offer her to the CEO for free. The possibility of someone else paying for a whore will surely convince him. OR YOU could personally help him out with his sexual desires ;)
Step 4: The Result
Well, you've succeeded. Now you just tell everyone you know to watch it, and you're famous. You have the distinction of annoying thousands of people with a shitty infomercial. Chances are that 20 retards will actually order your product. Now you ship them a piece of Silly Putty, and you collect your money. Who knows? Maybe you'll grow rich off the thousands of idiots in the world.