HowTo:Make a Glass of Water
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Are you jealous of all your friends who can prepare delicious glasses of water with ease while you can't do shit? Have I got a guide for you! These here methods will tell you how to make the most thirst quenching glasses of water the world has ever seen! Just follow these simple steps!
Items Needed (in general)
- A water source eg. a toilet
- A sparkly glass cup fresh from Goodwill (or a barrel if you use the ocean method)
- First aid kit (optional)
- Video camera (to show off your skillz to the internets)
Toilet Method (recommended)
- Find the biggest ass cup you have and bring it to your toilet, that's right the place you shit in. If you forgot where it was just try finding the smell in your house closest to black people.
- Make sure the water's clean, but if it's not that's also okay as it won't really harm you. Tip: If you ejaculate into your toilet it will instantly clean it, for those who are self-conscious.
- Turn on your camera being careful not to drop it in the toilet(skip this step if you haven't brought one or lost it on the way to the toilet)
- Slowly dip your cup into the toilet, enjoying the cool water as it touches your hands.
- Get as much of the water as you can into the cup.
Ocean MethodDon't listen to all that ignorant propaganda! Saltwater is perfectly safe for drinking. For those who enjoy large quantities of salt then perhaps you should consider this method. Also, this is much funner. Please note that you must live next to a beach of some sort...
- Get a barrel (yes, a barrel) and go out to to the closest (nude) beach.
- If possible get someone to record you.
- If you are female strip off your clothes (This is necessary!)
- Just for fun, urinate into the barrel (if possible)
- Jump into the water and catch as many waves as you can (don't just scoop up the water, that's fucking lame)
- Once it's full return to your home/cardboard box you live in.
- Go steal some vacuum hose from your you're neighbor or a supermarket such as Wal-Mart or Target
- Steal a drilling truck (you're not gonna fucking buy one) from wherever you can find one.
- At night go to the closest pool to you and hide the vacuum hose in the water by drilling a hole into the ground and running the hose through the pools filter.
- Steal some pipes from the Home Depot or Menards and some tools (you'll require many) and another hose.
- Develop an underground pipe system that runs to your lawn and connect the hose you stole to the end pipe on your lawn.
- Suck as much water as you want whenever you need to and store in in mason jars.
Have you ever wanted put rainstorms to use? You know what, you should! The only downside is that this takes awhile.
- Get a cooler
- Open it
- Urinate around it to mark your territory (so that no one touches your cooler)
- Wait for it to fill up, or for it to rain if it hasn't even started.
Now, If you've done everything correctly (or close to) the water should be in the glass. If you have, then congratulations you're finished, now that wasn't too hard was it? Show off you're bad ass water pouring skillz to you're friends some other day. End this with enjoying your delicious glass of water that you made all by yourself!
Don't use any blue water cleaning shit for the toilet method it's evil and will devour your soul.
Don't forget to report yourself to the police if you steal anything. (I'm just fucking with you)
Don't use common sense it will only slow you down.
Don't drink water if you're a minor.
Don't forget to spade and neuter your pets.