HowTo:Make a Band

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Coolband

If you make a band, you can be as cool as these guys!

Bored during your holidays? Can't get the girls? Got a lot of money[1]? Happen to be standing around with a couple of other people, all of whom are looking at you as if wondering what you're going to do next? Does one of them have a guitar? Surrounded by amps and microphones? Standing in a recording studio? Notice a couple of record execs looking at you with open wallets? Have long hair and an unusual tie pin? Well then...

Why don't you start a Band?

Yeah, you won't be very good, but it stops you from being bored, it will waste your money (better than spending it on drugs[2]), and you'll have a 1% increase of getting a girl (but only if you play a tuned instrument.)

Step One: Choosing your Instrument

When you are choosing your instrument, you have to pick the one that is the coolest. In most cases this is the triangle. However, you should also keep in mind that the Vocalist gets all the credit for the band's success, even if he doesn't write any of the lyrics or songs, by virtue of the fact that he is the front man. But, the triangle is really cool too. It goes "ding!!!" and everything. It's a good conversation piece and easy to carry. So what if the lead guitarist gets laid all the time? He doesn't have a triangle to stroke at night.

Tip

Choosing bass guitar will put you on the same level as drums, but you have more privileges, like moving.

Ranking of Instruments

  1. Triangle - In fact, this instrument is too cool to be in any serious band, because the fame will be put on the Triangle player. Don't believe me? Just think about it, a new band comes on MTV and they have a triangle player. That person will be known as "The Triangle Player", and, you will know his/her name. Due to mammoth coolness, the real list starts after this point.
  1. Lead Guitar - If you choose this, you will be playing the solos, getting all the girls, you will be the coolest member of the band. Though the bassist will play practical jokes with your guitar case.
  2. Vocals - The cheapest of the options, however, the disadvantage is that you need to be good, you can not pull off lack of skill with this.
  3. Any other Instrument - Choosing another instrument, for example a Trumpet, won't get you enough of the publicity. You will be known as "one of those other members".
  4. Bagpipes - Here only for comparison.
  5. Rhythm Guitar - You will not get noticed, however, if you combine vocalist with this, it will distract the audience from your bad guitar playing.
  6. Piano - These people usually think they are better than the band itself.
  7. Bass Guitar - As un-cool as the drums, but at least you can move around. You also get to bitch about guitarists. If you're the only girl in the band and you don't do lead vocals, international law requires you to be the bass player.[3]
  8. Drums - What can we say? If you choose this, you'll be known as "the guy swinging sticks around like he's some sort of nutjob."

As you may or may not be able to see, the drums are the worst instrument to play (if it can be called playing). If you do pick the drums, throughout your musical career you will be taunted with various insults. Most of them will be directed at the amount of brain cells you have. Another insult, is how you tone deaf you are, but, if you do pick the drums, it's probably true.

However, even though the drummer has the least brain cells, it doesn't mean he has the least wealth. Drum kits cost a lot more than the other instruments but, it doesn't make them big, or special, make sure you remind them of this regularly[4].

Step Two: Learn to Play

WARNING: This step will not teach you to play guitar, this will.
Drum "players," skip this step

To be the leader of your very own band, you need to be the most skilled at your instrument. This is mainly because you don't want someone taking over and taking all the glory.

If, like The White Stripes all you have is a Guitarist and a Drummer, you do not need to worry about the other band member taking over.[5]

Step Three: Pick Your Genre

Miller6

You should always consult Glenn Miller when choosing a genre.

Deciding what genre you play is very important. It will decide whether the fans will like you, and what kind of fans you get. For example, if you decide to play Goth music, expect to get Socially Undesirable people turning up to your shows (though their girlfriends are unbelievably hot. And batshit insane). But, you can't go from one extreme to the other, if you decide to play pop-punk music, expect 12 year olds to turn up.

Popular Genres

These are listed the most popular genres, so for God's sake don't choose one of them. In fact, don't choose any of them. We already have enough of these bands, so a bad replica of these genres will make the genre even worse than it already is.

Step Four: Choose a Name

Choosing a name will be one of the hardest things to do, aside from playing, writing songs, choosing members, rehearsing, getting the drummer out of prison and organizing shows.

You need to choose something snappy that people will remember. For example, calling your band "Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice wouldn't be a very good idea (unless you plan on playing pretentious indie rock, in which case "Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice" is quite possibly the best name ever). It also helps if the band name can be shortened by supporters; this way, they can just say "DRVHSNDOCBIVDSGFEHWFWCUDDBOSLONI" when they want to mention your band in everyday conversation.

Great names for a band

WARNING: Almost all of these names have been taken, using these band names could result in a court case

Step Five: Recruit Members

You probably go to (or have dropped out of) some school. In all likelihood, there probably will be some people there that are willing to join your band.

How to recruit

Many potentially great bands have disbanded because of lack of appeal. If your band doesn't have a good image, or a good name, people will not want to join your band.

However, by using these detailed techniques I have provided for you, you can normally [6] get anyone you want to join your band.

So, you've seen a person, who would look great in your band, but you don't know what to say to him?

What to say to potential members

Once you've scoped out a potential member, approach him.

Well, you are in luck! I have prepared a scenario diagram to help you. Begin by asking him the first question.

Band recruitment

Do not let the Singer/Bassist say no, and give them the details anyway. It will make them think that you misheard them and go in pity.

If you want to add another member that is not on the diagram, then you are stupid use the Bassist/Singer scenario.

Any mention of the word "Triangle" or the phrase "I play Triangle" walk away, just walk away.

Step Six: Harvest some popularity

Face it. Getting recognized is hard, but luckily, there is a solution. Make an article about your band on Wikipedia, and stand back! We promise that within the hour, your band article will both get its very own template and become a hot topic of discussion.

If those admins a Wikipedia don't let you keep your new page there,[7], due to lack of importance, don't let it get to you! They are just trying to bring you down as they are jealous, just go straight over to good old reliable Myspace. Doing this however, can result in a loss of your Soul, the amount/lack of friends you have, will get to your head.

The Final Step: Rehearse>Get Good>Play Shows>Get Signed>Profit!

This step should be completed within about 6 months. If it isn't working by then, ditch your band members, as they are obviously holding you back.

Things to Consider

Below are some points that will help you gain success.

The Do's and Don'ts of being in a band

Do's

  • Suck up to people that are more famous than you - This is the easy way of getting respect. Also, by doing this, gives you the opportunity to join their band if one of their members dies.
  • Wear matching polo necked Aran jumpers - This is where the Beatles went wrong. If they'd worn matching polo necked Aran Jumpers, they'd probably still be playing today. In Hamburg.
  • Breathe - There is nothing worse than forgetting to breathe. This will bring in bad publicity and people will stop buying the "band who's guitarist died because he forgot to breathe"'s new album.
  • Play/Make Music - Otherwise, what's the point in being in a band. You may also get a few threatening phone calls from your record label, telling you to leave the drugs alone and start earning your money.

Don'ts

  • Sell out - This is one of the worst things you can do, unless you are willing to sell your dignity for money (you're in this to cure boredom, remember?). Except for gaining another 4 million fans, there is also financial no gain in doing this. Moreover, these fans are not in with the music scene, and will buy your album just for that one song [8].
U2ipod

How old is Bono anyway?

  • Let a song be used for an advert - Being forced into Allowing one of your songs to be used in an Ad is bad for your image. As soon as you do that, you will be known as "that band that does that iPod advert". So, U2 are currently working their way back up to where they were.
  • Release only 1 good song - These are classed as 1 hit wonders [9], or just a band that couldn't be bothered to stay loyal to their "fans".
  • Kill your fellow members - Not only does this ruin the band [10], but could result in some kind of court case. Apparently it's against the law. However, if everything is going bad you may kill yourself to increase your popularity and boost record sales.
    Contradicting Popular Belief: You can't enjoy your new found fame if you kill yourself.
  • Be original - Where's the originality in that?

What to do once you've found your fame?

So you've got a great band, and you're making more money than God. What's next?

References

  1. Please note that any money spent on the band, ( this includes instruments, drugs and prostitutes, ) will not be returned if you do not "make it" in the Music Business.
  2. Leave drugs for the moment, once you become famous it becomes acceptable.
  3. Sorry, but them's the breaks.
  4. Metallica have not kept to this rule, Lars Ulrich is bigger than the band itself.
  5. They simply don't have enough brain power between them.
    The Drummer lacks brain cells because: They are the drummer.
    The Guitarist lacks brain cells because: They don't realise that they need another member.
  6. This scenario has been tried and tested over 100 times, however they all failed.
  7. These people.
  8. For example, Green Day, American Idiot.
  9. For example, Jimi Hendrix, had only one Billboard Top 40 hit. You haven't even heard of him have you? Exactly.
  10. Why Kurt, Dave? Why couldn't you have killed Krist instead, he wasn't needed. A bassist can be replaced!
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