HowTo:Make Hamburgers

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An Introduction to Z.R.X.L.Q.L.P.R.M.K.Q.B.Z! Z.R.X.L.Q.L.P.R.M.K.Q.B.Z is an arcane and mysterious acronym that I will use for this paper. What does the acronym Z.R.X.L.Q.L.P.R.M.K.Q.B.Z stand for, you ask? My answer to you is "Yes it does!" Z.R.X.L.Q.L.P.R.M.K.Q.B.Z is a paper that will thoroughly, thoroughly, thoroughly, thoroughly, thoroughly explain to you how to make a hamburger. Thoroughly. Making hamburgers requires almost no skill at all, so if you have no skill, you've come to the right place!

edit The Format

All major headings in Z.R.X.L.Q.L.P. R.M.K.Q.B.Z will be in 14 point boldface Times New Roman font. All the major headings in Z.R.X.L.Q.L.P. R.M.K.Q.B.Z will also become overly sappy because I add an exclamation mark at the end of all of them. I thought about ending all sentences in Z.R.X.L.Q.L.P.R.M.K.Q.B.Z with an exclamation mark, but I decided against it due to extenuating circumstances.

The minor headings will carry a 12 point boldface Times New Roman font. You will recognize these headings because the wonderfully sappy exclamation marks will be noticeably absent. Let's Get Prepared!

edit Assumptions

This section might more aptly be named "Requirements," but I think "Assumptions" sounds better. Besides, I already typed "Assumptions" and I don't want to erase it.

  • It is expected that you, the reader, are in the kitchen, standing at the entrance to my kitchen perpendicular to the door frame.
  • It is expected that you, the reader, have available one pound (1 lb.) of ground bovine, three tablespoons (3 T.) water (not powdered) at your disposal, 4 hamburger buns, a half (1/2 t.) teaspoon of salt, and a quarter teaspoon (1/4 t.) of pepper.
  • It is expected that you, the reader, can walk and move your arms without hindrance. If you cannot, any references to muscle and extremity movements will not be applicable and can be replaced with other forms of locomotion such as a wheelchair, crawling, hopping, limping, flying, teleporting, or having another carry you.
  • It is expected that you, the reader, are human or a similar species, preferably biped, as these instructions were written with the human biped in mind.
  • It is expected that if you, the reader, are of another species, then you are sentient. A quick test is to ask yourself the following question: "Do I know I exist?" If the answer is yes then you are fit to make hamburgers.
  • It is expected that you, the reader, can read English. In the case that this paper is translated to alternate languages, it is expected that you, the reader, can read the language that the paper has been translated into.
  • It is expected that you, the reader, do not possess powers of telekinesis. If such is the case, then any references to muscle movement can be replaced with the equivalent procedure in telekinesis.

edit More assumptions

  • It is expected that you, the reader, have sufficient mental capacity to comprehend what you read and be able to perform such actions.
  • It is expected that you, the reader, are not omniscient, in which case this paper would be of no use to you, as you could divine the methods to make a hamburger.
  • It is expected that you, the reader, are not omnipotent, in which case I will list several of many options:
  1. Will (or whatever the thing you omnipotent beings do is called) yourself a hamburger.
  2. Will yourself omniscience then make the hamburger.
  3. Will yourself an army of slaves and tell them to make a hamburger.
  4. Will yourself an army of slaves and will them to make a hamburger.
  5. Will yourself a slave and tell him to give you a hamburger.
  6. Will yourself a slave and will him into a hamburger.
  7. Will yourself a McDonalds and will them to give you a hamburger.
  8. Will yourself a Burger King and will them to give you a hamburger.
  9. Will yourself a Hardee's and will them to give you a hamburger.
Note: Other options exist. If you wish to know them, will yourself omniscience. If you are omnipotent, enjoy reading, and want to read this paper for the sake of reading, then by all means do so, although you could will yourself something more interesting to read.
  • It is expected that my kitchen has all the objects therein where they are normally are stored.
  • It is expected that my kitchen is located in a place that has gravity similar in nature to that of the Earth.

edit Just a few more

  • It is expected that my kitchen is located in a place that has air consisting of 85% nitrogen, 14% oxygen, and a combination of other gases such as neon and argon. If you are of a foreign species that requires a different type of ambient gas mixture for survival, then I assume my kitchen is located in a place with such an ambient gas mixture.
  • It is assumed that you have an IQ lower than 60, otherwise you would not be reading this paper.
  • It is expected that my kitchen is located in a place that has an atmosphere that keeps out harmful cosmic particles as would Earth's atmosphere. If you are of a species whose innards can tolerate harmful rays, then it not required for my kitchen to be located in an area with an atmosphere.
  • It is expected that there is enough light (either by a sun, a moon, or other artificial light) in my kitchen to see. If you are of a species that does not require light to see, then it not required that my kitchen is located in a place with light.
  • It is assumed that when I mention the physical properties of Earth (such as gravity, atmosphere, and air composition) that they are the same as of the writing of this paper (5/6/98 Earthling-American Dating System. In long form this would be "Wednesday, May 6th, 1998.") If the Earth's physical properties change tomorrow, I take no responsibility for the accuracy of this paper.
  • It is assumed that I will not be sued as a result of following these instructions. More information on this can be read about in the "Disclaimer" section.

edit Definitions

In case you are stupid, please bear with me as I walk you through the following extraordinarily difficult vocabulary words.

Walking- the traditional method of lifting a pre-chosen leg to form a 45 degree angle on its Y axis, leaning forward, then letting gravity pull you down and before hitting straightening the leg so that it catches you, then repeating with the opposite leg until you have reached the proper destination.

edit Step one - iteration of the process of walking

  • Ground Beef - This is actually a misnomer, as any member of the family bovidae in its edible form can properly be called "beef." When addressed I am referring to the member of the order artiodactyla, the family bovidae, the genus bos, and the species B. Taurus. I will try to prevent this misinterpretation by using the term "ground bovine"

edit Overview

In order for you to fully understand the process, I will first give you a very broad overview of the complicated process of hamburger making.

We will make hamburgers. Next, I will give you a bit more narrow overview.

  1. Take out ground bovine to thaw
  2. Turn on oven
  3. Measure ½ tsp. salt, ¼ tsp. pepper, and 3 Tbs. water
  4. Put ground bovine, salt, pepper, and water into bowl
  5. Mix ingredients
  6. Shape mixture into 4 patties each about 3/4 inches thick.
  7. Place patties on rack in pan.
  8. Broil with tops about 3 inches from heat 5 to 7 minutes on each side for medium turning once until no longer pink in center and juice is clear.
  9. Serve on buns.

It's that simple. If you still don't get it, read on. The Drawer!

edit Moving to the drawer

As previously stated, you are expected to be standing perpendicular to the door frame. You are also expected to be facing towards the kitchen, just inside the entrance. You will now walk 12.75 feet in the direction you are facing. You will encounter what some would call a "drawer".

edit Recognizing the drawer

It will be a rectangular protrusion of wood. The protrusion will bear a handle. This handle looks to be made of brass.

edit Grabbing the handle

You will now be reaching for this handle. Use your eyes to procure feedback as to the movement your hand. If your hand is not moving in the desired direction, then correct it by contracting or relaxing the correct muscles. First flex your bicep muscle so that it forms an angle roughly equal to 90 degrees. Next use your tricep muscle to raise your arm steadily relaxing the bicep muscle until it is straightened. Lock your elbow. At this point, your hand should be over the aforementioned handle. Open your hand and relax your deltoid muscle so that your entire arm lowers. Your hand should be resting against the handle. Close your hand.

edit Opening the drawer

Now comes the tricky part for you stupid people. Flex your bicep muscle while relaxing your tricep muscle. Now during this complicated process your hand must remain in the closed position. After completing this process of contracting and relaxing, you must open your hand and return it to your side. The drawer should now be open.

edit Procuring Utensils

Now that you are standing 9 inches from an open drawer, you will need to acquire the proper measuring items. You will need:

  • A tablespoon (At my house it bears a capital "T" on the handle of spoon)
  • A half teaspoon, (At my house it bears a "½" immediately preceding a lowercase "t" on the handle of the spoon with a period or dot immediately following the aforementioned "t")
  • A quarter teaspoon (At my house it bears a "¼" immediately preceding a lowercase "t" on the handle of the spoon with a period or dot immediately following the aforementioned "t")

If you are having trouble removing these items from inside the drawer then look at your hand as you move it into the drawer. Use your eyes to acquire feedback as to the movement of your hand. If your hand is not moving in the desired direction, then correct it by contracting or relaxing the correct muscles.

edit Encountering the Counter

Now that you have the three measuring devices in hand, rotate your body on the z axis right 135 degrees. Walk 1.3 feet in the direction you are facing. At this point you should encounter the counter. Place the three measuring utensils on the counter you encountered. After placing all three items on the counter. This counter will henceforth also be referred to as "the work area" or some grammatical equivalent.

edit Moving to The Cupboard

Now that you have placed the three measuring items on the counter, rotate your body left on your z axis 225 degrees. Walk 6 feet in the direction you are facing. Rotate your body right on your z axis 90 degrees.

edit Recognizing the Cupboard

The cupboard will look similar to the drawer except one and a half times as long and 3 times as tall. It to will also have a brass handle on the protrusion.

edit Grabbing the Handle

You will now be reaching for this handle. Use your eyes to procure feedback as to the movement your hand. If your hand is not moving in the desired direction, then correct it by contracting or relaxing the correct muscles. First flex your bicep muscle so that it forms an angle roughly equal to 90 degrees. Next use your tricep muscle to raise your arm steadily relaxing the bicep muscle until it is straightened. Lock your elbow. At this point you should raise your fully extended arm by contracting the deltoid muscle. Move the arm up until your hand nears the handle. Open your hand and relax your deltoid muscle slightly so that your entire arm lowers enough so that your hand is open around the handle. Close your hand.

edit Opening the Cupboard

Now with your hand around the handle, flex your bicep muscle while relaxing your tricep muscle. This will create a slight downward action. During this process your hand must remain in the closed position. After completing this process of contracting and relaxing, you must open your hand and return it to your side. The cupboard should now be open.

edit Getting a Glass

Now that the cupboard is open you must get a glass or cup from inside of it. If you are having trouble removing these items from inside the cupboard then look at your hand as you move it into the drawer. Use your eyes to acquire feedback as to the movement of your hand. If your hand is not moving in the desired direction, then correct it by contracting or relaxing the correct muscles. When your hand is near the desired glass or cup, open it, move it towards the glass or cup slightly as to move your open hand around the glass or cup. Close your hand and carefully remove the cup or glass.

edit The Counter Revisited

Now that you have the cup or glass in hand, rotate your body 120 degrees to the right on its z axis. Walk 6.75 feet in the direction you are facing. Face the counter then gently place the cup or glass onto the counter.

edit Moving to the fridge

As long as there is a lull in the action, we should take this opportunity to remove the ground bovine from the fridge. Turn 90 degrees on your z axis to the right. Walk 10.5 feet in the direction you are facing. Now turn 90 degrees to the left to face the fridge.

edit Grabbing the Handle

Reach out towards the handle with your hand using your eyes to guide your hand. When your hand is near the handle open it. Now move your hand closer to the handle until your hand is around the handle. Close your hand, then pull.

edit Acquiring the Ground Bovine

Now that the fridge is open, you can begin the long processes of moving the ground bovine from the open fridge to your workspace. You will begin by scanning the fridge for the ground bovine material. Look for the ground bovine. Once you have located the ground bovine, you can move your arm and hand in such a way as to acquire the ground bovine. I trust that you have mastered control of your arms, and the process by which do move them from our previous exercises in arm movement. If you have not, however, mastered the difficult art of basic motor skills, then I recommend you go to a special school and learn how. Once you have acquired the aforementioned ground bovine, close the refrigerator door, and return to the work area.

edit Getting the Salt and Pepper

Excuse the double exclamation mark, as I felt it needed a double dose of sappiness. We will now be procuring the salt and pepper for our so called "Hamburger." If you are not already facing the work area, 1 ft away from it, I recommend you return there. If you somehow got in some odd position with your arms twisted backwards and jammed up your mouth through some gross misinterpretation of the directions, please return your extremities to their proper physiological position.

Now that you are all located nice and dandy, take two steps to the right side. I know I have not discussed this difficult skill before, so if you are having trouble, you may turn 90 degrees to the right, take two steps, then turn 90 degrees to the left again. Now you will locate the salt on the shelf by using your eyes. Reach out and grab both the salt and pepper. Now take two side steps back to the left.

edit Measuring the Ingredients

Now as before, if you are clutching your left buttock with your right hand, have your left fist shoved up your nose, and are in the lotus position or some equally misguided contortion, return yourself to the proper standing position, with arms at sides. Next, you will measure your various ingredients into the amounts that will be used in making the Ground Bovine Byproduct Patty, or "hamburger" as others would have you believe. Next you will pour (repeatedly turn salt container and allow gravity to move the grains of salt, although if my kitchen is in a place that does not have gravity you will have to resort to more unorthodox methods such as siphoning) the salt into the half teaspoon measuring utensil until it is full (by full I mean that the indentation on the spoon that is largest has salt up to the rim). You will then perform a similar process when filling the pepper, except for the fact that you will use the pepper container and the quarter teaspoon.


Return yourself to the proper physiological position, facing the counter. Pick up the tablespoon and the glass or cup. Turn 100 degrees on your z axis to the left. Move approximately 4 feet in the direction you are facing. Now turn to face the faucet. Turn on the faucet and fill (the process of making the indentation on the spoon be to the rim with water) the tablespoon with water. Then pour (allow gravity to move out from the spoon) the water into the glass or cup that you brought with you to the sink.

Repeat the process of filling the tablespoon and dumping 2 more times. If you wish to put away the tablespoon at this point you may. You can either put it away at the place where you normally wash measuring utensils. If you do not want to wash dishes in my kitchen, you may put it away directly into the storage area from whence it came. Whatever option you choose, bring the glass or cup with the three tablespoons of water over to your work area.

edit Mixing the Mixture

Return to the proper physiological position will arms hanging at sides and standing up facing the work area. Next you will need a bowl. Bend at the waist. There will be three drawers. Open the bottom drawer. If you need help opening the drawer, refer to the previous examples of drawer-opening. Now that the drawer is open, look for a medium sized bowl, pick it up and place in the work area.

Pour the water, the salt, and the pepper into the bowl. If the ground bovine package is not open, open it now by removing the packaging. Put the ground bovine into the bowl. You will now need a spoon to mix the mixture. Bend at the knees. You will need to open the top drawer. Refer to previous examples if you still suck at drawer opening. Once the drawer is open, search for a spoon. Once you have located a spoon in the top drawer, grab it, then close the drawer. Use the spoon to mix the ingredients in the bowl. Next, you should move 5 feet to the left from the familiar position of facing the work area, and being right in front of it. Set the oven to broil by pressing the "broil" button.

edit Cooking! the! Ground! Bovine! Patties!

Five times the sappiness! Now you will need a pan. From the position of facing the work area right in front of it, move 6 feet to the left. You will open the cupboard (in case of stupidity, refer to previous examples.) Locate a pan and remove it from the cupboard. Now close the cupboard and return with the pan to the work area.

edit Making the Patties

Now that you have the pan at the work area, you will need to make patties. Form the mixture from the bowl with your hands into 4 patties ¾ inches thick. Make the patties roughly equal sized. Put them on the pan.

edit Broiling the patties

Take two side steps to the left. Open the oven. Place the pan on the middle shelf about 3 inches from the oven coils. Cook them 5 to 7 minutes on each side. You will need to turn them once with the spoon you used for mixing until no longer pink in center and juice is clear. When the patties are done, remove the pan from the oven.

edit Serving the Ground Bovine Patties!

Return to the position of facing the work area with extremities in their proper position. The work area is right next to the hamburger buns. Reach forward and grab the bag of hamburger buns. Open it by removing the clasp with your hands. Take out the buns. Open each one along the precut. Place the cooked patties on the bottom half on the bun, and then place the top bun on. Serve them to your family or eat them yourself.

Congratulations! You may now proceed to bask in the communal hatred of the world's vegetarian population.

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