HowTo:Make Breakfast Dew (For Women)

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Take a look out the back window at your lovely garden. Smile at that small touch of nature that is morning garden. Smell that "morning" as it wafts past. It covers up the smell of baby puke on the kitchen floor your older son promised to clean.

The sweet aroma of the back garden hits you like an eskimo kiss. It helps you forget the bathroom smell that fills the house. It hasn't been the same since your husband got back on carbs.


The scent from the lilies are extra special this morning. Even cut grass makes you smile. Connecting with nature helps you wake up and turn off everything else around you. It helps you feel good. Helps you feel dreamy. You feel like a soft and silky woman. "Oh...yeah...that is really funny, oh yes, grabbing my breasts in front of the kids with a honk honk. No need for nature to make me feel like a woman when there's honk honk".

Step 1: Morning smells


The glass burns your hand but you don't care because you are high and it looks so pretty.

Put the kettle on. No...wait. First wash the kettle.'s so dirty it will take five minutes to least. Use the portable water heater. Oh's covered with something even your house has never seen and it's a sticky stuff that burns on contact. Spend the five minutes it takes to clean the kettle while you dream about a house less malignant than yours. Fill it with water and put it on the...oh...wait...the knobs are all missing from the stove? That hasn't happened for so long you almost thought that it wouldn' now...don't lose it. Order your husband to get the stove working and the water boiling by the time you return. Ignore the second "honk honk". Cover your breasts up with your morning gown. You are a gift.

While your husband gets to it, go outside and smoke one of the clove cigarettes you hide in the old bird feeder no bird ever uses. Two squirrels live inside but they don't mess with your clove cigarettes so you let the squirrels live. See that wasp flying over there. Its humming sound is relaxing. Lovely colours yellow and black. Walk by the fence.

Cross to the plant bed and look down at the remaining herbs. Yes...naturally...the cat ate most of them and your husbands buddies pissed on the rest at last weekends BBQ. You can still smell it. You hate your husband's friends to such an extreme it takes a lot of energy to pretend that you like them. You cannot speak with them and remain standing at the same time. But you are a good person and you won't be shallow. You are special. You have herbs to pick for your morning happy drink.

Step 2: You are a strong amazing woman.


The clove cigarettes you know no one would steal even if they found them.

There's a tiny bit of untainted cardamon. Pick half a dozen seeds off the stalk. Finish your clove cigarette. Still stressed out? Smoke a real cigarette. A dirty tar filled cigarette that you keep in the dog house...that dog house your husband was supposed to take apart after the dog died...the dog that died two years ago. His old chain is still screwed into the ground. You wish the dog was still that it would eat the cat. That dog was a blessing. He would sit there very quietly while you drank your morning dew. He was the only thing you would ever share your morning dew with. Remember to take apart the dog house later today.

Deep breaths. Smoke that stick down and start a second one. That should help with the stress. Not chilled out yet? Can you hear your three kids screaming at each other? Are you imagining your husband throwing his wet towel on the bedroom carpet? Get that 8-ball you keep in your robe and smoke half of it.

Back in the kitchen it seems that your husband hasn't put the kettle on. Tell yourself its okay, you are chill. Microwave a cup of water. Ask your oldest to get his stubborn brother out of bed before you lose all sense. Remind your husband that you drove the kids to school for the last seventeen weeks. It's his turn. You will NOT drive them today. In the meantime look out the window again. Isn't that nice. Nature. A breeze. Now stillness. Mmm.

Your older neigbour is cutting some roses for his wife. Try not to take it personally. They are better than you. It is NOT your fault. Don't be angry. Smoke the other half of the 8-ball. The microwave beeping startled you. That's okay...the crack-cocaine has settled in nice and nothing should bother you for the next five minutes. Not even the cat who hasn't stopped meowing for food for the last half-hour.

Step 3: Steeping that heavenly steepiness


The eight ball is both a stunning finale to a fun old table game and a quick morning stress reliever you keep in your pocket.

Take out the cup. Oh my...look at your seems to be burning but you are so stoned you don't feel it. No can put some ointment on it once you come down and feel the pain. Put the herbs into the cup, add a pinch of empty now. The cinnamon shaker is empty. Why on earth would any one have used an entire shaker? Relax. Chill. Put in a bit of ginger instead. You are a strong and fabulous woman. Add two teaspoons of sugar. Add two more. The smell is making you feel lovely. Leave it to steep a while longer.

Help your husband find a clean tie while he explains why he can't drive the kids to school. Resist the urge to push him down the stairs as you follow him to the front door. No big deal...he forgot to give you a goodbye kiss. Feel the little breeze on your face as he slams the door behind him. Check on the cup. Smells really wonderful. Warm and steamy. Not yet ready. Cover it up again and wait. You almost have your lovely cup of morning bliss. You are worth it. Patience.

Step 4: That sweet morning feeling


You used to love washing your husbands sweaty gritty raunchy soccer shirts. Now...its just one more thing you have to do for your son...while he is playing x-box.

Take the kids lunch out of the fridge and put them into their Justin Bieber school bags. Trip on thirty different play station-nintento-sega-ipod-tablet-gadgets and break two of them. The kids were told to put them away five times last night. They will cry and demand new ones. You will not buy them any more. They will cry. You will buy them more. You can smell the infusion all the way from the kitchen. It is heavenly.

Go to the laundry room and discover the older boys soccer uniform didn't make it into the dryer despite having asked him repeatedly to do it. Try not to blame yourself. You can't help blame yourself. You are losing your ability to manage fifty things at once. You are not a competent house wife. You need herbal tea. Control the growing rage creating a tennis ball sized lump in your brain tissue. Herbs. Tea. Herbal tea.

Step 5: Teasing tantalising taste


That pillow case your mother-in-law gave you for Christmas, is the perfect burial shroud for a certain four legged thing.

You are ready for your morning brew. The dew has condensed on the saucer you left on top of the mug. Sip the dew. It is one amazing breakfast melody. It is divine. Too hot though. Is the baby crying again? Yes. And the other two are hurting each other. Grab that cup of bliss. Go outside and stand there a moment. A special moment for a wonderful person. Drink half of it. Don't you feel a little more human? Isn't life a little more worth it when you are out in the garden having morning dew? You can feel the volatile scents creeping into your nose. That and the 8-ball you smoked. It's a beautiful morning. You feel wonderful. This morning will pass. You are strong. You are exceptional. Morning dew.

Phone the schools and tell the catty secretaries that your kids are going to be late for school today. They are not amused. Remind yourself that they are fat and haven't even had kids yet. Check out your smoking body in the mirror. You are one smoking house mom. Your kids friends probably think you are a MILF. Deal with crisis one. Then number two. Pull more magical tricks out of your pockets than is humanly possible and get the two kids off to school on their bikes while you put the baby to sleep yet not smothering it with its pillow. Go check on the morning cup...that second half is waiting. The second half is like the other part of your soul. You are detached from it now and cannot survive much longer without it. Without that other part of your soul you are empty, black agony.

The cat which you have learned to accept in the house is begging for a bit of love. It scratches at the cupboard where you keep the expensive cat food. You can't bear to think of smelling that fermented tuna and only think about your sweet drink. The cat is scratching and scratching. You will have to polish the scratch marks after you assassinate the cat. You stare at your cup. A tinted tawny colour. The cat is both meowing and scratching and staring at you in desperation. You look at the cat and wonder how many bones it has in its neck. The cat is hysterical with wide eyes scratching as though it has twelve dying kittens inside the cupboard. Open the door, take out the can, open it, cover your nose, put the putrid tuna into a dish and place it at the other end of the kitchen. The cat sniffs at it. It doesn't even lick at it. It gives you the finger with its nose and walks out of the kitchen with its tail in the air flashing you. Step back. You are not a murderer. Go back to the cup.

Step 6: Why not a second cup?


Any of those pieces can be used to stab the next person that leaves their glass on the coffee table again.

Your special drink is now cold. It is really cold and it tastes bitter after steeping for too long. Your burnt fingers are starting to hurt a little. Relax. You can't relax. You can't get the wet towel your husband left on the carpet out of your mind. For the love of god who used that entire shaker of cinnamon? Reach for your robe but remember you already smoked the entire 8-ball. Panic. Look out the is still a beautiful day. Remind yourself how beautiful it is. You can always make another cup of morning bliss.

The wasp is still around. Resist the urge to call your promised yourself only one 8-ball a month. A mother cannot be a mother if she smokes more than one. The cat jumps up on the counter and scares the hell out of you knocking various expensive plates onto your feet. They smash into pieces and bruise your foot bones. If you are still angry at the cat tonight you can lose it along with an old pillow case. Go out into the garden. No more cardamon left. That cat ate the rest. Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. There is definitely an old pillow case you don't need. Go upstairs and get out that little box. Open it and take out your emergency rock. You know that there is no going back now. It's either dealing with your family and smoking that eight ball or running away forever. It's decision time. Its a hard choice, using drugs to get through your day but staying with your family or getting the hell out of here and starting a new, better life away from all of them. Sniff the rock. Its your new Morning Dew. Stay home. Its the easier decision. You are that strong woman, just not that strong. Light 'er up.

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