| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
The Elder Gods Demand Worship!
So, you say you want enter the dimly lit and filthy inner bowels of Black Metal??? Are you already a qualified practicer of Satan rituals, but need an extra outlet for your adolescent angst? Is your father a Catholic priest who is dumb enough to unknowingly finance your Neo-Pagan blasphemies? Are you too uncool to play Dungeons & Dragons? Well, simply follow these guidelines to create your very own Uber Grim Black Fukking Metal Horde!!!!!
An important thing to remember is that your band will never make any money. So it is useful to have a side job to support your blasphemies, such as working in a post office (Fenriz) or starting your own cloven hoof-themed petting zoo.
Constantly deride other black metal bands for buying into a "scene", even though you yourself are a part of it.
Having friends is not black metal. So having band members is entirely optional. You could form a solo project and create suicidal black metal about how depressed you are and how much you hate the world and humanity. Even better, have no members whatsoever in your band and release albums that don't exist. The less humans involved in your project, the better.
Note: Due to the release of approximately ∞ albums released every day in the already bloated Black Nonexistent Metal scene, most agree that the subgenre has become a cesspool of trendhoppers and hipsters.
Get yourselves some names instead of <insert name here>, because let's face it, your name is not very evil (Roger Rasmussen). Try something that sounds cold with a couple of 'oths' for best effect. Names taken from the Black Speech of Mordor are also very grim. If you use only initials and never show your face, you'll be even more grymm and mysteriouzz. Demonic names will help you stay anonymous, like rappers, cyberstalkers and Kiss army rejects. Remember not to misuse your new name, as it is far more than a nickname, it is the true name of your dark essence passed down to you by the Ancients.
When taking band photos, make sure they are horrible quality so that nobody can tell what you really look like.
Never try anything new. Your band should sound more like every other black metal band that came before it than every other black metal band that came before it. Eventually every black metal song will be one note played over and over again, which will bring about Ragnarok.
How to Sound Necro
There are several fundamental principles to this:
- 1) Make everything look like NORSK. Also to a lesser extent DEUTSCH. For example don't say Black Metal when you can say DER Blækk Mettal
- 2) Add senseless adjectives: Why say DER Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal (no matter you can't fucking pronounce it properly)?
- 3) As also seen in the previous example, there are several words, such as tru, grim, necro and fuck which have to be used as gratuitously as possible. Why say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fucking Tru and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
- 4) It is very important that you do not utilise ordinary grammar and spelling. In DER BLAKK MEHTVL SPE4K, those are secondary, while DER GRYMMNEZ of DER SPEVK is fundamental. Never say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal.
- 5) Practice! With time DER GRYMMFVLNEZZ ov your sentences will increase. Be creative, combine different grymmful words, replace random letters with "v"s or "Y"s, add random "R"s, capitalize random letters or change the order of words in a sentence.
- 6) In conclusion: Why say DER Fucking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm and Frostbitten Pure Unholy Hateful Raw Nekro Krieg Elitist æonic Br00tal Wrathful Hyperspeed Inverted Icecold Wintry Deutsch Norwegian Transylvanian Pagan Diabolikal Anti-Cosmic Orcish Wolfen Bestial Heretical Genocidal Homicidal Suicidal Medieval Nihilistic Mysanthropik Blasphemic Apocalyptic Hellfired Nationalist-Socialist Antisemitick Holocaustic Panzerkrieg Dunkel Diabolikal Goat-Worshipping Fistfvkking Christraping Soul-crushing Deathworshipping Skullfucking Thelemic Orthodox Germansk Hedensk Satanisk Hellnorsk Arysk Svarte Mörk Blækk Fvkking Goatpenis Mætalle OV DAATH??????
The main keys to writing blak grim kvlt necro lyrics are: Christ killing, child raping, goat shagging pagan whore vomiting on the cross, hail Satan: This would actually be said as ARGHHHHHHH RGGRRHRHRRHRHRHR. This is just the basic text. True talents add more words to the text like: 'chaos' or 'blood' or 'raaah'. Some true geniuses add random German words (example: 'Black Metal ist krieg'). Combine words together, i.e. 'selfmutilating godhate blackmetal holocaustwinds'. Randomly yell things like "Ea Ea Mithra Ioa Saboa Kali Ma" (roughly translated: Black Metal up your pee-hole). After you have the basic structure of your song, place the text into an online translator and translate it to Norwegian. Then translate the translated text back into English. And finally transcribe it into archaic Norse. Give the song a name in German. Throw in some random Latin phrases and quotes by famous Satanists. The finished product should be in the LANGUAGE OF THE BEAST, making it ultra-hardcore.
Hammer as quickly as possible on a drum kit, or in a pinch tape-record a jackhammer and use that sound. (This can be more technical than the guitar.) Blasting drums are the most important thing about your sound. Black metal drumming was invented by Vishnu many aeons ago, and four-limbed humans have been trying to emulate his eight-limbed technique ever since, with limited success. A blastbeat consists of the drummer playing so fast that he is literally trying to kill himself on the kit. Timing isn't really important, or technique, but you have to be willing to break your arms and legs to get that extra blasty-ness. And of course, make sure your drums are barely audible in the final mix.
Make the most simple guitar riff you can come up within an hour of fucking around, remember it - you'll be playing it for a while, so invent something that won't strain your hand, and will still allow you to manually stimulate your pet goat after the gig. Do keep in mind that melodies are for emo fags. Make sure your album has as little flow as possible. Turn the bass on your guitar all the way down and treble all the way up and use nothing but tremolo riffs or Mega Therion will eat your face and your family. Don't even bother with a rhythm guitar; your bathroom sink, when turned on full blast, will compensate for the lack of one. Use an old bass and repeat the same riff throughout your entire album. Scream your vocals at the top of your lungs while stabbing yourself with a white-hot knitting needle.
Record it all on tape with your dad's old barely-functional tape recorder, in a cabin in the deep dark woods of Norway, or in the Memorial Hall of Edvard Grieg. When you're finished, your music MUST sound like dog excrement, otherwise you won't be taken seriously as a black metal artist baptized in unholy infernal blood and bestial black goatsemen.
Remember to return the knitting needles to your mom afterwards, and the tape recorder to your dad's church office.
Sell all your early 90's demos for ridiculous prices because they are 'kvlt', even though you actually recorded them last week. Remember, everything new is crap, and everything old is kvlt.
In 10 years everything that's crap will be kvlt.
Make tons of split albums with the most unknown black metal bands you can find (and release exactly 666 copies of each). This proves to the listeners that you are too poor to make a full length album, and therefore you are kvlt as fvck.
On your liner notes, make everything sound EXTREME and remind people of how evil you are no less than 666 times a second. For example, your band doesn't play music. You create new æon satanick propaganda. Instead of saying that so-and-so plays drums, say he fires the infernal war artillery, vocals are "throat", "pagan grunts" or "blasphemic puking of vocal Armageddon", guitar is known as "chainsaw" or "battle-axe" and bass "4 strings of the Apocalypse" (though it should be noted that audible bass lines are completely uNTr00). When you say what equipment your band uses, say they "totally annihilate" them, and instead of saying "this album was recorded in 2008", say "this abomination was infernally necrospawned from the pandemonic womb of Sathanas in anno MMVIII". You could also make everything sound self-deprecating, like "this noise was vomited forth from the smelly cunt ov Baphomet" or include songs that are nothing but the lead singer urinating/puking/hoarking (Roger Rasmussen). List your band's influences as "wolfcalls", "falling snow" and "Mayhem". Never include your lyrics with anything you release. And of course, tell everyone that you play Black Metal for the message, NEVER because of the image. If someone says they like black metal because it's cool, kill them.
Some black metal artists have released box sets of their demos. If you go in this direction, include some random garbage, your pet's severed foot, a hand grenade, and some of your own feces in the box. It will sell like crazy on E-bay.
Before you release your album, run a quick test by placing your music next to a bible. If the bible bursts into flames, you're all set. If not, throw out the entire thing and start over.
VideosYour first black metal video should take place in a forest (watch out for hunters), the most popular forest is the Forest Ov Forgotten Souls Ov Winters Past. It's on the right about a mile past the Field Ov Suffering And Hatred Ov An Over-Worked Farmer. This is where you go after the music video to help the poor over-worked farmer kvltivate the ground to prepare it for the evil poisonous crops and grimly reap them afterwards like the souls of so many worthless human fleshbags. Put on white and black face paint, or if you can't afford it wipe bird shit and swamp slime on your face. Don't forget about getting a black over-sized robe and cape, and dye your hair black, blonde hair is sometimes frowned upon in the BMC (Black Metal Community), but some can pull it off (such as Dolk from Kampfar, black metal's answer to David Lee Roth). Cut the head off a chicken or rooster and chase it as it runs around with its head cut off. Make sure you go to a yard sale or pawn shop and buy an old VHS camcorder, and find a VHS tape that has been erased and recorded over a dozen times to record the music video on so you get those lines on the the screen when you watch it and so it looks old, evil and everlasting like a gobstopper from Willie Wonka's own ass. Run around and look scary whilst holding some medieval-looking weapons and human skulls up to the The Frost-Ensorcelled Fullmoon of Darkest Might. Try some firebreathing even if you have no idea how, the more likely you are to immolate yourself and/or your bandmates, the more tr00 the result. Watch this so you get the idea:
At the end of your video, rip off all your clothes and run screaming into the fog-shrouded woods, never to be seen again.
If you decide to do a live gig, remember the following:
- Always dress in corpsepaint, leather pants, chains, bullet belts (but no guns), obscure band shirts, goat skulls, medieval weapons, armbands with 10-inch carpentry nails sticking in every direction, upside-down crosses made of human femurs, and a good splash of goat's blood on your person. If no goats are available, kill a few pigeons outside the club and use their blood instead.
- Remind your fans that they are all worthless cattle and should be exterminated.
- Kill a few animals on stage, stick the carcasses on pointy things, nail some people to crosses, and try to draw people's attention away from your nonexistant musical talent and get them angry.
- Another way to do this is to play so loudly that the audience's ear drums will be blown out after one song.
- Make sure to leave your dead animals out in the sun to rot for several hours, so the show will reek of death and decay.
- Try as hard as you can to get banned from every country you visit.
- Pass out razorblades to all the crowd members, like Shining do. No fake blood at a true black metal gig.
- If you decide to sign autographs, carve them in stigmata wounds (limiting yourself to exactly 666 autographs) with a twelve-inch dagger made of the bones of your enemies.
- If you decide to sell shirts, make sure they're covered in your own semen.
- For bonus points, bury yourself in dirt for an hour before each show so you'll smell like a freshly dug up corpse.
- Have your bandmates declare you missing, presumed to have committed suicide, then change your nickname to something else to make it look like they got a new lead singer, then months later reveal your true identity and proclaim you have been resurrected under Satan. Kill anyone who doesn't bow down right then.
And the number one rule of Black Metal shows: Never, ever look like you're trying. Always look like you'd rather be somewhere else, or dead, than playing in front of the idiotic peon masses before you.
Oh, and never play live.
One of the most important skills of the black metal elite is: making food. Yes, ritual satanic bloodletting can be draining of energy, so it's important to know how to make grim and necro cuisine to recharge your unholy essence. The French Orthodox Institute of Tr00 Cooking, founded by Hasjarl Hirilorn in 1578, is the primary source of many of the most famous recipes, including fried brains in coriander sauce, and sirloin priest burgers with bone marrow BBQ sauce. They are also the keepers of the legendary Circum spice, which is required to be able to see their monuments.
You don't need very much skill to be a good black metal cook, in fact the most important thing is to look as grim and necro as possible while carelessly throwing together your infernal concoctions. The less work put in, and the more hellish incantations uttered during cooking, the more Tr00 the result. Here is a quick instructional video from professors Murkk and Blasphemer:
“Excuse all the blood”
Kill yourself, leaving an apology note for firing a gun indoors and a gruesome scene that could be photographed and used later as a bootleg album cover by the rest of the surviving members, after they've finished eating your brains off of the ceiling.
PS: Please disregard everything on this page because following a set of rules is totally untr00. Black Metal is not confined by petty mortal guidelines!
|Featured HowTo: Article|