HowTo:Maintain a vanity site on Wikipedia
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“Nominated article? Coos I'm worth it.”
The tyrants that maintain Wikipedia as a non-democratic and anti-free-speech website have deleted your last hopes of being remembered after you die. Should you hurry up and commit suicide already? Nay! For where there is hope, there is a way. Follow these guidelines, and it is 23% GUARANTEED that someone will care that you slit your wrists next week, or at least until they find the body.
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Prepare your article. Make sure to include what is so great about you, possibly a photograph, and maybe your website or blog if you have one. Quotes are also good.
Try it, you never know. Hey, it worked for Bob Saget.
If you got deleted on grounds of "patent nonsense" Wikipedia obviously doesn't recognise you as enough of a threat to call "vanity". THIS MEANS WAR!
A secret weapon was constructed years ago in Bill Gates' basement. It is often believed to be the reason for Microsoft's inexplicable success. The following instructions will allow you to utilize this fearsome technology.
1. Copy and paste the text into Microsoft Word. 2. Press F7. 3. Click "change" repeatedly until the box goes away. 4. Return with a vengence. 5. There is no step five.
What if I don't have Microsoft Word? Or Windows for that matter?
We're sorry. This guide isn't written for those who don't want to pay Microsoft. You might as well cut to the suicide already. Cheer up; Bill Gates cares (not really).
The first thing that wiki detectives look for in their never ending jihad against innocent articles is self-reference. For instance, if the person who edited the article is the same person that the article is about, alarm bells ring in their twisted little minds.
However, it is not as simple as creating a new username. There exist little Snitch Pixies known as "IP addresses" which tell Wikipedia if you are using the same computer that your old username was on. The solution for this is to work in the shelter of internet cafés or look as much as you can like Wil Wheaton.
Jesus Christ, what's next, huh? Empirical evidence shows that the adding of the phrase "who is really important" to the article only increases the survival time of an article by an average of 4.2 seconds. Try this instead:
1. Click "random article" on the Wikipedia sidebar. 2. Make sure the article you get is about a person. If not, repeat step 1 until it is. 3. Copy and paste the code from the "edit" section into your page. 4. Change every mention of the person's name to yours. 5. Add at the bottom a new section entitled "Other Stuff", and paste your own article there. Chances are it'll be overlooked.
This example lasted a record 4 minutes on Wikipedia, over twice the average for normal vanity pages.
It's possible that you are still being persecuted after this. If so, you may need outside help or a breath mint...
United Wikipedians Fnord (UnW) is an association against the tyranny of Wikipedia. It started as a support group that would prevent WikiJihadists from deleting pages that they didn't like, relying heavily on the voice of reason. However, in 1976 they were forced out by the Mass Wikipedian Persecutions of 1976. Angered at how Wikipedia had turned out, they made a copy of Wikipedia in which users would be safe from terrorism, Wikipedia 2. Due to copyright issues, they changed the name to Uncyclopedia soon after.