|How to live with Ulcerative Colitis (file info)|
|in MP3 format. Read by some guy.|
Living with Ulcerative Colitis isn't easy. In fact, it's hard. Ulcerative Colitis affects millions of thousands of Americans every week. Caused by a weak moral system, malfunctioning pseudoneurons, and colliding ulceratives (?) Ulcerative Colitis totally sucks.
When you have Ulcerative Colitis, it's like slowly being crushed by a mechanical press right when you're about to kill Sarah Connor. It's like being thwarted by idiotic little hobbits not minding their own business. It's like being chopped in half by a light saber and thrown down a mile long shaft, but don't worry: Here are some easy-to-remember steps when dealing with your own bout of Ulcerative Colitis.
edit Remember that you're not alone dealing with Ulcerative Colitis
Every time you remember that you're not alone, you start thinking, "Hey! I'm not alone!" Every time you forget that, you start thinking, "Darn you, Ulcerative Colitis! I'm alone!" So try to remember that you're not alone and try to forget that you're alone.
edit Look at pictures of people dealing with Ulcerative Colitis
People deal with Ulcerative Colitis in many different ways: by riding bikes, by... climbing effing rocks... all sortsa stuff! These people with Ulcerative Colitis can do anything! Look at that dude climbing over there: It's amazing! The nerdy green helmet indicates he's a survivor of Ulcerative Colitis... It's mandatory in France, don't ask. What's he wearing? Tan tennis shoes? To climb rocks? Thanks Google image search, you piece of crap.
People dealing with Ulcerative Colitis, the disease we've been talking about, have a lot to deal with: rock climbing, climbing rocks, making sure not to fall off of rocks. It's really hard. These people struggled.
edit Remember that you are NOT alone dealing with Ulcerative Colitis
I can't stress this enough: please remember that you're not alone. There are tons of people dealing with-- What was it called again, Cheryl? Huh? Oh, right, thanks-- ULCERATIVE COLLITIS. Just tons. Try to remember that. Lots, and they're all suffering together. Remember that you're not alone. If you forget, try to remember that you're not alone.
edit Look at pictures of wildlife and how they pertain to Ulcerative Colitis
When people deal with Ulcerative Colitis, they usually do really constructive things like climb rocks. Sometimes in our commercials we show pictures of wildlife and how peaceful they are. Notice that they never have to deal with Ulcerative Colitis. Stupid, dumb animals! Apparently, they have no need for Ulcerative Colitis! Why do they hate Ulcerative Colitis so much? Are they afraid of Ulcerative Colitis?
The point is that people who deal with Ulcerative Colitis are very, very stressed out, and they need some passing pictures of animals to calm them down. There, a picture of a turkey on the right there! Aren't you calmed down now? Turkeys are nice animals: they're not gonna cause any trouble. Try not to be stressed out, because you could get Ulcerative Colitis. Pictures of animals not cause stress so stressed out no you get.
edit Yeah, but... Do I have Ulcerative Colitis?
There's only one way to know if you're dealing with Ulcerative Colitis: if you enjoy climbing rocks in pharmaceutical commercials... you might just have Ulcerative Colitis. Other symptoms include dry throat, dry skin, or dry eyes. You might have Ulcerative Colitis if you have taken any of our previous drugs, or any future ones.
edit Yeah, but... How do I deal with Ulcerative Colitis?
Remember that you're not alone. Millions upon thousands of British people deal with Ulcerative Colitis on an hourly basis. Do you wake up in the middle of the night sometimes? Ulcerative Colitis. Do you usually not sleep as much as you'd like? Ulcerative Colitis. Take our drugs, but remember that you're not alone.
edit Yeah, but... Should I remember that I'm not alone?
Yes: By all means. Whenever someone with Ulcerative Colitis remembers that they're alone, they forget that they're not alone. "Oh! Angry frustration! Darn you Ulcerative Colitis for making me alone!" You're not alone. Shut the F up, you're not alone.
Millions upon billions of people forget to remember that they're not alone. Ulcerative Colitis does that. It messes with your head: One minute you're rock climbing, and the next BOOM! you forget that you're not alone.
You're not alone. Oh! Also, that Ulcerative Collitis sucks and I hate it.
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