HowTo:Live in an RPG
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Have you ever realized that someday you could be trapped eternally inside a Role-Playing Game? This usually happens by playing Chrono Trigger during a thunderstorm or just by going into a Ghost Train ride at a suspicious amusement park with your friends. This is when a portal opens to the place where Dungeons and Dragons happens for real. You see a big light, then poof, you faint. When you wake up, you see some dancing mushrooms passing by and a group of weird guys following the thing holding spears, bows and wearing robes. You finally realize that now you are living inside a real-life RPG. Grab those potions my friend and let's move through that field, shall we?
Start a New Life
You barely know your full name (it usually isn’t simple as Frank). Write it down (or leave the one that appears) with 5 letters in a wooden board so you can remember it every time you check your inventory. Look around, it's just a plain village, with green grass fields to all directions. Find the hut in the centre of the little town, it is your house. Some weird flashback scene will occur inside your head, with big blasts, a freak guy wearing a cape and a hot chick being kidnapped. You wake up with a woman's voice calling the name you wrote on the wooden board.
Suddenly, you have an important mission to accomplish in the outside world. The major power up your sleeve is that you know how to make an origami penguin. But you are in charge of saving the universe from the greatest evil of all time. Good luck.
When you say goodbye to your parents (adoptive parents, or uncles, or grandparents...), they will reward you with potions and some money (sometimes they give a strange jewel with powers only you can unleash, but not now, you’re still at level 3). Remember, you can come back to your village any time during your journey. Don't get worried: Mommy will be inside the hut walking up and down in the corridor, saying the same phrase since you left. Crazy old lady.
Every important thing is placed inside chests. They are scattered all over the planet, in the most bizarre places. Look, behind that bush in the fiery forest! Who put it there? Do chests have a will of their own? Are they living beings? Does someone have a weird taste in decoration? A lunatic schizo pirate lost them all? A creepy Feng Shui cult? It's kinda scary. Chests. Oooh, spooky.
You are welcome in every house. Come in, have a seat, mess with the dog, with the baby, and with the pretty daughter. Oh yeah, feel free to open their cabinets and chests and take their belongings. They just don't care. While you are there, enjoy your visit and break all the pots inside. Don't worry. The owners will keep saying the same stupid things, like "Did you see my son?" or "Since that weird guy wearing a cape arrived, nothing has been the same in this town." You can carry up to 862 bottles, 34 gigantic swords, 43 shields, 26 rings, 45 necklaces and 99999999 (or possibly 999999) golden coins in your left pocket. In the right pocket you keep your mommy's picture.
You can also cross the entire continent in twenty seconds while mounted on the back of a pink ostrich.
Keep in mind, that as the person with the largest sword and the most outrageous hair, you are automatically entitled, as well as skilled enough, to pilot the one existing copy of all major forms of transportation. If you are ever flying around in your ancient airship, and you come across an airship which is either much larger, or much cooler looking, don't fear! The other airship will either end up destroyed in an unnecessarily fancy cutscene, or you will end up as the captain of that ship as well.
Black forests packed with werewolves, abandoned mines crowded with freaky skeletons, freezing mountains filled with angry Yetis, wide deserts crawling with mutant spiders...the sky is the limit when you want a romantic trip! A family trip? Go to that city filled with happy games and modern buildings! There's always one. Watch out for those golden coins!
Facing Day To Day Facts
Forget about changing your clothes. Sleep, eat, kill some beasts, die, revive, go on a date wearing the same clothes for the rest of your life. Oh yeah, you can change your bandanna for a stylish cap, perhaps. But why hide your freakish green pointy hair?
When you swing your gigantic sword (three times bigger than you) at a huge dancing mushroom, the thing doesn't bleed. It vanishes with numbers flying out of it. "276! Ha, take that bastard!". Oh yeah, if your short tempered girlfriend kicks your leg, you take "12" damage points and the number flies out of you too. If hit by a broom stick, "68". Flee!
Weird friends are essential. A wild beast, a maniac soldier, a hippie pot-headed girl, a happy fat guy and a short something you can never quite understand in which animal group it belongs. And oh yes, the cutie that casts Cure spells. She is hot, isn't she? Marry her when you find the time.
To save space, when entering a town, have your friends collectively merge into your body. Just make sure that they're split up again by the time you get stuck in a battle. If you walk off a map, fall off a cliff, or get sucked into an interdimensional vortex, your friends will be right there with you. If one of them dies, no need to pull their body away from the fray; you can revive them wherever you are without it. However, if they get in the way of what you're trying to do, feel free to kill them while they just stand there and take it. They'll disappear, and you can bring them back at your convenience. They won't complain; friends are good that way.
If your world allows it, hit them from time to time for extra experience. They'll thank you for it later.
Talking about chicks, it's complicated to get one. Don't even try to impress those with higher levels than you. There you are, all happy at level 23, trying to talk with a level 78? You can barely hold up your sword while she can perform a Mega Slash Uppercut three times in a row, maybe more. You are a loser. "Dear, go kill some dancing mushrooms before talking to me, okay?"
Your hair is green, mom's is blue. The weird thing is that your father's hair is red. Something is wrong. Technically your mother slept with a yellowish hair guy, so you could come up with the green stuff. Calm down. I bet the villain has yellow hair. Yeah, that's it. That whole "Luke, I am your father" thing. "Again? Why me?"
Don't worry about dying. As long as you have friends around you, ready to throw potion bottles at your head, you'll be fine. Reborn again. They will do that every time you are in need, are poisoned, cursed, blind, mute, petrified or even have bird flu. They do it because they love you. And they expect you to throw bottles at their heads in return. Never forget that special relation.
You can retire only when you reach level 99 and kill the final boss/villain/dad/monstrous beast/plasma dragon on top of the highest and darkest mountain of the continent. Then, relax and take a walk, enjoy the place! I mean, only until you bump into another giant dancing mushroom.