HowTo:Kill someone with a spoon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
“ Killing someone with a spoon is not bad, but I prefer the chainsaw it's faster.”
You found out you hate someone. No, not just hate. You FUCKING hate them. No, not just FUCKING hate them, you wanna strangle them until their head pops off then shove it down the loo but then it'll go into the sewers and then the police/the fuzz/cops/pigs/gorillas will be like, all, "omfg wutt iz goin on why iz der a hed in me toilet" and then they'll find you're fingerprint on them and be all "haha we fund woo it was it was <insert name here> and then you be like "omgomgomg" and then you get into prison and then rot there and turn into a ghost and the only thing you can do is go onto Uncyclopedia and look up how to kill people with spoons.
Not that I would know, of course.
But you love spoons. Spoons are sexy. Someone is not. Someone out there is NOT sexy. Whether that's you, yourself, or maybe perhaps YOU, That someone shall be your victim. And your victim Shall die.. BY SPOON.
Contents |
edit Step 1
1.) First, you need a good spoon...like a big soup spoon. 2.) Find the person you hate / or someone that you want to kill with the spoon! 3.) Make sure you take them somewere secret where no-one can hear them screaming. 4.) Duct tape their mouth and hands together, but don't forget to duct tape their legs together incase they try to run! 5.) start threating them that your gonna hurt their kitten!
This is only the begining!
edit Step 2
Learn the ancient art of Tai-spong.
For many thousands of years, Buddhist monks in the shaolin temple had denied their existence. They will always say "There is no spoon", but this was a diversion to hide the terrible truth, of the deadly art of Tai-spong. Of course, Tai-spong doesn't actually matter, only whether you hate that someone or not. But you do hate them. That's why you are killing them...with a spoon.
edit Step 3
Know your victim:
- How much do they weigh?
- Is he/she physically fit?
- Is it Tuesday?
- Do you own a kitten?
- Do you like honey?
- How far away are you from the moon?
- Do they have a family?
- Do you have a family?
- Why don't you have a family?
Of course, none of these questions actually matter, only whether you hate that someone or not. But you do hate them. That's why you are killing them...with a spoon.
edit Step 4
You need to choose your weapon(see step 1)and practice with it (ask the hospitals for free corpse to train on or just find a daycare, and use a sleeping child) You need to sneak up on your victim (when he is masturbating or taking a bath or something like that) And of course:Atttaaaaackkk!!! The best methods to use may be simply beating the person or stuffing the spoon down their throat.
Of course, none of these steps actually matter, only whether you hate that someone or not. But you do hate them. That's why you are killing them...with a spoon.
