HowTo:Kill a Ninja
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Everyone has had a ninja kill someone in their family, they just haven't realized it yet. If you would rather not be killed by a ninja you should kill them first! If you're wondering how to kill a ninja, you better keep reading, because in this article I will reveal the secret to killing a ninja.
Contents |
[edit] Picking A Target
If you wanna kill a ninja, you're gonna need to find a ninja. Unfortunately, like Osama Bin Laden, ninjas are very well hidden and are very hard to find without thousands of soldiers searching for one. But unlike Osama, ninjas aren't only in Afganistan and underground! Ninjas can be anywhere, but most likely there will probably be a ninja behind your back and when you turn around!! He goes back to behind your back with a knife. If you don't move or turn around for more than 30 hours...the ninja will kill you with the knife! Ninjas are masters of deception, and will therefore typically be hidden in your surroundings. Observe the people around, but what you shouldn't look for a people who you could imagine are ninjas. They are incredible actors, so when locating ninjas, the ninja is likely hidden as the most unninja amongst the people you know. Therefore, by definition, attacking the most fail person you know, and there is a high possibility that you've just killed a ninja.
[edit] Make Sure He Is A Real Ninja
A lot of people try to pretend to be ninjas, but they are not ninjas. Those are just common folk that are into that horrible Naruto crap. Unless they have followed the HowTo:Become a Ninja guide. But those people never cosplay as retarded losers; they usually cosplay as real Ninjas, like Yoshimistu, Altair, and the French Spiderman. Make sure they are a real ninja, because if he isn't and you kill him, that is murder and you will be arrested. Plus, Jesus will hate you for committing murder, and Jesus is like fifty ninjas (and ten Chuck Norrises) put together, so be careful. Remember, real Ninjas (notice the Capital 'N') never cosplay, they disguise themselves. That's a good start for identification.
[edit] Once you have found one
Once you have found a ninja, you will need to go find the sacred supplies to kill the ninja. These items are almost impossible to obtain, so be prepared to die in the process. Ha ha ha. Most of the sacred supplies are owned by very wise men like Darth Vader and Yoda. And occasionally Zoidberg, when Vader and Yoda take a day off.
[edit] The sacred supplies
The first and most important item is Darth Vader's lightsaber. This will be very hard to steal because while you are trying to grab the lightsaber, Darth will probably be swinging it at your head. The next item is guarded by a really fat guy without a name. You must steal the ultimate sacred item... the biggest bag of potato chips in the world! Now even onion flavoured! The fat guy will probably be eating them right now so you will have limited time, but if you do it just right, you just might get them, or he might accidentally fall on you. If that happens, pretend you're a bear, and try to scare him off. That should do the trick, as the fat guy is a big, big coward. Yoda also possesses a weapon suitable for the destruction of a ninja. It can be found in his pants. Buying him a drink should have his weapon out of his pants in no time. Once you steal it, it may be difficult to carry as it is very large and heavy. Caution: it may squirt your face with an unknown liquid substance. It is rumoured to be custard.
But like all badass vagabonds, you want to be fully prepared for any inconvenience, and you are badass, em ai rite? No..? Well, if you want to even think of killing a ninja, you've got to become one, you lazy sod. The final item is a well preserved relic known to man as the {Holy Hand Grenade}, a legendary bomb that can blast your way through even the White House's top defense. Only brave men have obtained and used the sacred weapon for their selfless deeds and lived to tell the tale; like Chuck Norris, The Rock, Bruce Lee, and Lucy Lawless. Why only a handful of people returned, you may ask? That’s because it is guarded by one of the deadliest creatures God ever made; a feared animal whose name cannot be named, no matter what. But for the historians, it is known by its nickname; the Killer Bunny. It is a deadly bunny. It goes for the head at a speed that makes any ninja look slow in comparison. Caution is STRONGLY suggested. Good luck, ma boi.
..Looks like you failed dude. Alright, at least you'll be able to spot them ninjas now. Who needs hands to do that? :D
[edit] The process
Quickly, you must draw Darth's lightsaber and swing it around and around so the ninja can't sneak up on you. Swing left and right rapidly while yelling and screaming and hopefully you will cut a ninja's head off. Remember, a ninja can live for 2 days without it's head. So eat your potato chips, eat for your life, and don't leave! When the ninja finally falls to the floor pick him or her up and throw him off a bridge.
However, if you have Yoda's weapon, you will be able to amaze the ninja. The ninja should be happy to spare your life in return for the weapon. Because to be honest, it's bigger than any he's ever seen before. If that doesn't work either, show him a volume of Naruto (specifically any Naruto volume after the time skip) straight underneath his/her nose. Instead of making the ninja pissed and kill you slowly, this move actually makes said ninja cry out in fear and run away like a sissy girl. This only works on one ninja though, and only once in a lifetime. If you were facing five ninjas, one would run away, but the other four...? Ouch.
However, this move, even if successful, would be at the cost of your soul, your dignity and your entire family's dignity. FOREVER.
No wonder many prefer putting themselves on fire rather than doing that huh?
[edit] Troubleshooting
Problem: The lightsaber won't come on.
Solution: If the lightsaber does not come on, then obviously you don't have the force and can't kill the ninja. This is the worst problem ever. If you are able to get away from the ninja, you probably can't make it home in one night so you will be eaten by a grue!
Problem: You can't get Yoda's weapon out of his pants.
Solution: Introduce Yoda to your grandmother, unless she is dead, in which case just use some random old woman.
Problem: You don't have hands to active the lightsaber.
Solution: The only way you can have trouble with "no hands" part is if you have no life. If you have no life you shouldn't be reading this article because you probably are to lazy to go out and do it. If you are reading this article you probably don't have a life because you probably live on the internet.
[edit] Another way
If you have no idea where Darth Vader lives or your parents won't drive you to the Deathstar, here is a different way to kill a ninja.
First, you’re going to need a shotgun with a bullet that explodes into 5016 small bullet pieces. If you can't find one then look harder. If you can't afford one then get up from that couch you lazy ass and find a job. If you can't find a job then look through the newspaper. If the newspaper doesn't tell you shit, go through the news. If news is no help, go see CNN. If CNN does not help either, go through BBC. If BBC doesn't help at all, then you are one prissy bastard that needs to get a life who not only deserves to be killed by a ninja, but to be killed by the lousiest ninja of all time.
Now, after you finally have that blasted shotgun, go find a ninja. Yes, I'm actually telling you to go find a ninja. You deserve that for making me go through CNN for hours whether I liked it or not, bastard. After you have found a ninja, fire away. That gun's got unlimited ammo anyway. He/She/It will not be able to dodge all of those bullets no matter how skilled he/she/it is and he/whatever will die in a matter of a full moon cycle. When dead, there is a 75% chance that the ninja would come back to life, for as we all know, all ninjas have at least nine lives. That is also the time for you to run away as fast as you could.
However, if you happened to have killed the ninja whilst it was living its final (ninth) live, then something BAD would happen. Unfortunately, that means that you'd have to deal with the real thing; a zombie ninja. DUN DUN DUN. Yes, a zombie ninja. Rumour has it that not even Chuck Norris has managed to defeat such an immortal powerhouse, but then again Chuck Norris never actually met one. Only an entire army of Pirates can manage to knock out the zombie ninja. They revive said ninja with a rare Phoenix Down in order not to let it remain immortal, otherwise the zombie ninja would first destroy all Ghost Pirates, then all Pirates (even part and quarter pirates), then Edward Cullen, then Satan's favorite channel, then you.
If an army of pirates doesn't happen to pass by then.. er, try to tell it you're sorry- what? It's even more pissed at you? Err.. try to lightin' him up with a couple of jokes! Urgh. Buddy, those jokes were pretty bad. Also, it looks like that thing is not flammable. Heyy, try to tell it that Naruto sucks! Shit, it doesn't care. Or- oh crap. It's right behind you.
By the way, did I mention that a zombie ninja is immune to bullets? Sucks to be you.
[edit] Another way
There isn't another way. This is the only solution.
Unless of course you are Chuck Norris. Or Micheal Phelps.
If you're not, and the above guide failed... and you are completely surrounded by Ninjas... right now... well... may I introduce you to a wonderful solution that just might change your life forever..?
[edit] The end
You are now ninja-free. You can go through your life and live it the way you want it. Hurray. Please do not tell any Ninjas about it article. And don't worry, Darth has millions of lightsabers up his arsenal, so feel free to take and use as many as you wish.
Also remember, he can't keep rebuilding the Death Star over and over again, so don't toy around with it. He is Darth Vader, not Darth Bill Gates. He is not made of money.
