HowTo:Kill Yourself With A Brick
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Good day to you sir, and may I say what a nice hat you are wearing. Oh, that's not a hat? My mistake. What's that you say? It used to be your beloved pet cat Tiddles who has been a constant companion since the day you got him to help with the grief of your old cat's death? He was killed by a runaway shopping cart? A shopping cart your children were riding in? There, stop crying, perhaps you can use your new cat to wipe away the tears. Oh, he's actually trying to eat your head? How delightful.
And your wife with whom you have shared four years of happy marriage and twenty years of solid hell just left you? And she killed your children after maliciously stealing your house, garden, car, garage, clothes and your cardboard box? Oh, the box was to put all the other stuff in. I see.
Ah, so the reason you come to me here and now is for advice. Not on your now terminally ruined life, but on another matter entirely. A matter of intrigue, interest and definite value. Sir, step forward. The time has come to enter the halls of the great. Prepare, sir, to kill yourself with a brick.
You can take the cat off your head now if you like.
Reasons to kill yourself with a brick
Before proceeding it is generally advisable that you explore why you feel the need to commit suicide using the most hilarious of building items. Our elite team of brick suicide engineers have narrowed down the root causes to the following options.
You don't have any friends
Quite simply, if you had friends, they'd talk you out of killing yourself with a brick, or at the very least they would provide you with a better suicide 'weapon', like an axe, a loaded gun, or a hemp rope tied in a noose and a pipe or pole. Friends are like that. They want to see you die with some dignity, as long as you die.
Because You're Poor
But we are not here to discuss ways of not being poor. Anyway, being poor can be remedied quite easily. The way to not be poor, and therefore the way to at least die with some sort of style is to spend all your money on lottery tickets. Oh, you already spent all your money on lottery tickets? Well that will teach you not to gamble then. Silly person.
Alternately, you could go begging in the streets, but make sure to consult the Guild of Tramps before doing so, as gaining the support of your fellow street homunculuses (or homunculi) will result in you having a much firmer standing in the streets upon which you will live. At any rate you only need to beg enough money off people to buy a brick. Unless you can beg a brick off someone walking past. People carry bricks around with them. EVERYONE you ever meet has bricks in their pockets. Despite this fact you will find it hard to get them to part with them. Maybe the cat on your head should be removed, so they don't think you are a yeti. No? Well the cat ties in with the next part anyway.
Because You Have No Style
Well, well. I daresay I suspected this had something to do with it. Style has not deigned to touch you with a ten-foot stick. Your patched trousers held up by string and coat made out of old copies of The Sun add to the general demeanor of stylelessness. Oh, and your beard. Your beard sells 'has no hope of living' like hotcakes. But there's no need to feel bad. Take consolation in the fact that soon you will be dead having killed yourself with a brick. Now, on to stage one.
Stage One: Acquire A Brick
This is the most important stage of killing yourself with a brick. After all, you'd look pretty stupid killing yourself with a brick you don't have, now wouldn't you? Now, acquire a brick. They are quite hard to come by on their own, so you'll either have to employ a Scouser to steal one, or buy a house and knock a brick out of the wall with a sledgehammer. NO YOU CANNOT USE A BRICK FROM YOUR CURRENT HOUSE! This is because that hussy of an ex-wife stole it, remember? That's right.
Here, let me help you. Bricks can be quite easily found. Try consulting a local building site. These places are a positive whorehouse for bricks. Bricks turn up all over these places, usually in neat piles to deceive people into thinking they are one huge brick.
Alternatively, as has been previously stated, every person you meet has a brick somewhere on their person. Why not mug someone going past for all you, or they, are worth and steal their precious brick off them? I mean, how dare they not give you the brick when you ask politely? I mean, you say 'please', right, and 'thankeesir', even when they give you nothing, right? Who died and made them Mr I-Have-A-Brick-And-You-Don't? WHY DOES EVERYONE CARRY BRICKS AROUND?!?
Once you have found a brick move on to stage two.
Stage Two: Kill Yourself
Once having acquired a brick from a building site, a tumbledown house, a brickmakers company (make sure you are using a safety hat), or a passer-by's bloodsoaked pocket, follow carefully the method ascribed below.
You should probably take the cat off your head before the bricking.
- Grasp brick firmly in both hands.
- Are you sure you're holding the brick properly?
- Assume 'bricking' stance.
- The bricking stance denotes that you must stand with you feet slightly further apart than your shoulders, brick grasped firmly in your hands either hanging below you or raised above your head to the fullest extent of your arms.
- Raise the brick above your head.
- Check that the brick is still a brick, as bricks have tendencies to metamorphose into lepers without warning. Lepers will not kill you with a solid thwack round the head. More likely you will kill them, and then be charged with murder and locked up.
- Now, with the brick still raised above your head, it is time for your final words, or thoughts. Make them good ones. Something along the lines of 'I regret nothing' makes you sound like a loser, which patently you must be, since you are killing yourself with a brick, but if nothing else this moment should be your life's epitome. Make a good impression on the Lord (or Satan) with some stunning last words in this life and first ones in the next one. If that fails, show them the new brick wound at the base of your skull, that should impress them to no end.
- Utter your last words.
- Close your eyes, picture fairies, puppies and kittens. Picture yourself huffing those fairies, puppies and kittens.
- Violently smash the brick directly into the base of your skull. You should hear a swift sudden (satisfying) crack. Take consolation in the warm flow of blood down the nape of your neck, and the swelling blackness on the edges of your vision.
Stage Three: You survived
Oh dear, you're still alive. At least you've gotten rid of the cat on your head. Oh, you seem to be standing in it. Anyway, if your brain stem fails to respond to a good, old-fashioned bricking, it may be time to move on to more
violent advanced techniques.
Stage Four: The Brick/Ocean Method
- Proceed to the nearest coastal area. Oceans are preferred, but any body of water over six feet will do. Unless you play basketball. But if you were a basketball player, you wouldn't be here, would you?
- Walk to the edge of the water.
- Grasp brick firmly in both hands.
- Jump in.
- Attempt to remain perfectly still. Counting sheep may be helpful, although fishes are more abundant.
Stage Five: The Brick/Pulley Method
- Purchase, steal, borrow, or otherwise acquire a common pulley.
- Affix the pulley to any high point, ceilings are to be preferred, but any lamppost will do.
- Attach the brick to the rope.
- Grasp your end of the rope firmly, and hoist the brick.
- Stand beneath the brick.
- Cease grasping the rope.
The Brick/Pulley method is useful for people who lack the fast-twitch muscles necessary for a normal bricking. However, it is highly dependent on the height of the pulley and the size of the brick. If a conventional brick fails, you might want to consider using a cinder block instead. As a last ditch you could probably make use of a girder. Girders are not bricks, but they will kill you.
While this method can potentially allow a user to generate the maximum amount of force with their brick, it is far from foolproof. It is fairly easy to break your collarbone, shoulder, or toes. Come to think of it, if you've managed to screw up the whole brick thing so far, this method probably has too many moving parts for you to deal with.
Stage Six: The Poisoning Method
This method of killing yourself with a brick is only to be used as a last resort, as death or extreme humiliation will probably occur.
- Hold the brick with a firm (but not too firm) grip.
- Breathe normally as you would during any other situation.
- Place brick directly into mouth
Congratulations! When you are done completing these steps in the order which they appear you have successfully poisoned yourself with a brick.
Stage Seven: The Smash Your Face In With a Brick Method
The 'smash your face in' approach is the least subtle, but most effective. Should this method fail you should probably go back to fishing for eels or whatever you did before. God obviously abhors the idea of your company. Considering the long name, this is obviously the hardest and most complicated method
- Hold the brick firmly in your hand.
- Make sure you are holding the brick.
(NOTE: the following will not be possible without holding the brick)
- Smash your face in with said brick.
- Repeat as needed
Alternatively you could find a strawberry and hand a brick to the nearest mountainously muscled hill of manflesh, then punch him as hard as you can. In return he will smash your face in with the brick you gave him. Whilst not killing yourself with the brick, it is probably the most foolproof method.
Stage Eight: Brick Injection.
Contrary to popular belief, there ARE more advanced ways to end your miserable, pitiful existence with a brick then The Smash Your Fuckin' Face In with A Brick Method. Brick Injection provides a quick, painful demise, provided you aren't Leonard Cohen, a ninja or Bruce Campbell. The Steps are as followed:
- Get your brick.
- Get a Big Ass Needle, although a Mothafuckin Huge Needle will work too.
- Put the brick IN the the syringe.
- Inject yourself with the Brick, being sure to hit a vein or artery.
Congratulations, You Are Dead.