HowTo:Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands

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Welcome! So you've decided to kill a man. Well, with a few easy steps you'll be able to kill anyone you want with just your bare hands.


An example of what your bare hands may look like.

Reasons to kill a man


A group of young women learning deadly martial arts.

Let's face it, a lot of people deserve death. You may be asking yourself, "is it right to kill a man"? Well here are some moral reasons to kill a man:

  • Calls your Kings with Ace/3 off and rivers an Ace on a final table
  • Slept with your wife (note: does apply to you)
  • Slept with your daughter
  • Slept with your sister
  • Slept with your mother (note:does not apply to your father)
  • Ran over your dog
  • Slept with your dog (after running it over)
  • Drank the last beer (no greater crime exists)
  • Slept with the last beer (what the fuck?)
  • Slept with you, hell you were too drunk and stoned to remember!!
  • Blew up your house
  • For science
  • For the lulz
  • Jizzed on your face
  • For freedom
Don't Cry Fluttershy

If the man did this, you have the big ass reason to kill him.

  • Made Fluttershy cry (one of the most important reasons of all)
  • For no reason whatsoever
  • Shat on your bed
  • Shat on your mouth while asleep (a great constipation day)
  • Slept with your wife and shat at her vagina, for science (a great nausea day)
  • Testeducationalskills
  • Won the lottery (stole your luck)
  • Slept with the lottery (again, what the fuck?)
  • Ate your cat
  • Slept with your cat (after eating it)
  • Slept in your ass, if possible
  • Inserted Frog Semen on your pudding
  • Molested your child
  • Barbecued your family (what a great time to respond to revenge)
  • Barbecued your legs (unless you're a useless lazy bitch)
  • Barbecued your ass (what? It burns?)
  • Barbecued the last beer (this calls for extreme measures, PINKIE PIE STYLE!)
  • Barbecued your penis (no way to get laid now)
  • Slept with your penis (bat fuck insane)
  • Stole your virginity (the guy must be out of his mind)
  • Spanked you for being a naughty boy to your papa
  • For Narnia
  • Religious debates (START THE CRUSADES)

Also, there are those pesky freedom hating west coast liberals that have these things called "laws". Yes, murder is illegal, but there are ways around it. For example:

  • In Florida, if you suspect that someone is going to harm you, you may kill them. Right before you kill your target, yell "He's coming right at me!"
  • Dispose of the body. Burning is preferable.

What you will need


Weapon of choice. Can be used for many other things.

Now that you are thoroughly (not at all) versed in the moral and legal implications of killing a man with your bare hands, you need the following items:

  • Hands (any colour will do)
  • A Bear from which to extract "Bare Hands".

If you have these item(s), you are ready to get killing.

Killin' Time!

Find the man you wish to kill. Take your hands, and put them around his neck. Squeeze until dead.

Was that so hard? Well, there are two more advanced methods. You will need two rolls of quarters for the first:

  1. Put the quarters in your hands.
  2. Take your hands, and punch him in the face.
  3. Repeat as necessary until he is dead.

Be aware that this method can leave you with broken knucles, fingers, or an entire hand. Sure is fun, though.

For the second method(Not for those who had trouble with the first method) however nothing extra is required:

  1. Punch the unsuspecting victim assailant in the stomach,or groin, causing them to bend other in pain.
  2. Securely grasp the back of the victim assailant's head and motion your hands towards the ground, while raising your knee, imagine you were bounce passing a basket ball whilst going up a stair case(Don't ask why you would do this)
  3. Proceed to stomp on the victim assailant's ankle to prevent him/her/it from fleeing chasing after you. (In the event of [[1]] knee caps will suffice)
  4. Further proceed to kick or punch the victim assailant in the head, repeating as necessary untill they are dead.
  5. Finally see Disposal of Corpse below(Unless in the USA, New Zealand, China, or Africa. In which case no one will care.)

Disposal of Corpse

The most pesky, not to mention rude, part of killing someone is they never help in the cleanup. The best way to dispose of the body is to go out into the desert and burn it. Remember, what the fire doesn't get, the vultures will. Another way is to drive out into the desert and bury the body. This is less dangerous to you, but a lot less fun and a lot more work.


Remember, murder is only wrong legally. Don't worry about it. Good luck with that.

See also

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